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This Poem was Submitted By: carole j mennie On Date: 2003-09-23 11:17:34 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Eagles (Tanka)

Nourished by Sierra updrafts he circles, leaving a pinion to mark his passage. A young brave, reservation born, holds the plume in his shriveled hand and opens a book.

Additional Notes:
This is a tanka, using a 3/5/3/5/5 syllable format.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-07 22:16:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45098
Well done Tanka you have kept the rhyme out and maintained the format. I like how you show this in two parts. The first an eagle followed by an Indian Brave. The relation between the two is outstanding by showing the feather being used to mark a place in a chapter of life. Thanks for sharing. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-10-01 22:52:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.23529
Carole, First forgive the typo on the other tanka, I put 5/7/5/7/5 instead of 7/7 in the end. Oh well...I can count really. This is interesting. I really can picture the circling bird and young brave. I like the tie between them. A nice read for a well kept tight format. Quick and full of vision. You are doing well with this genre. Thanks for sharing. Andrea

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2003-09-30 10:02:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Interesting take on Tanka. Nice brake from the 5/7/5/7/7 form. I like the rythum scheme here with the 3/5/3/5/5. You paint a nice picture of a young boy coming of age. I also like very much that you have used more than one stanza. This piece is a refreshing break away from the typical Tanka and/or Haiku. So often we think that we cannot deviate from the set form, it is refreshing when we see that we can. Thank you, Dan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2003-09-29 10:04:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.43478
And we're supposed to critique this one? Right... I see absolutely nothing that would enhance this piece Carole, and believe me, I read it several times trying to see if I could come up with any suggestions. Word choices are so fitting and bring such a mystique to this creation which is charged with primal energy. Your key phrases, "nourished by the Sierra updrafts", "to mark his passage" and "opens a book" are timely and well spaced. They evoke the reader at integral points, to entertain a more mystical dimension from the thoughts openly presented, giving a balance between what's actually written and how the mind is propelled from a sensory point in each line - to put it simply, there's much nuance felt between the lines in this one. We won't even talk about the "fitness" of the poem, it's "toned" to the max. Impressive! Cheerz, T

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-25 14:47:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.51923
Indeed a tanka and such a grand one at that. Images are superb as well Nourished by the Sierra updrafts he circles, (which further allows the reader to see the eagle as it soars and to feel the movement of air surrounding him) Also it appears there is a soft sillibant "s" sound as an underdraft here which carries us along in swift passage. leaving a pinion to mark his passage. only one which is superb great image and thus it follows through with the young brave holding the plume.....superb my friend. Thanks for posting and sharing this with us. Be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-09-25 13:39:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94118
Dear Carole: I love this abbreviated, intense form. What is left unwritten is as prominent in the emotional tone of this piece as the images given. One image is flowing; the other is stark. The reader is left to contemplate the brave, whose hand is "shriveled", along with the book he holds. With your title, "Eagles", a reader immediately thinks of the ultimate symbol of soaring freedom. The first stanza represents, exquisitely, that freedom as "he circles." In the second, the "pinion" has become a "plume." It is fascinating to look at the word "pinion" and its Latin origins - it has the same root as the word 'pen' and also 'feather.' "Plume" is also a feather, but looked at in another way, becomes a 'prize.' We see the young brave holding a book in his "shriveled" hand, implying that he may not raise it up to defend against his enemy, but must seek the book to find his power once more. His people were physically imprisoned on the reservation, but he may find his freedom in soaring above those limiting conditions by mastery of the contents of the book, while holding the plume, in remembrance of his heritage. These are all my own interpretations, and may not be what you had in mind for this piece. What I especially appreciate about this poem is that the reader may contemplate so many possibilities as the form lends itself to subtlety. The eagle has long been a symbol of the Creator to native peoples of the earth, connecting with the Great Spirit above. Though the young brave may be mired in the situation of being born on the reservation, he may view life from new heights as he holds to the meaning of the eagle's plume. The human hand in art and poetry has often expressed a state of being. His hand is shriveled, showing the young brave to have suffered a loss of power, of the ability to act within his circumstances. Some opportunities in life have been closed to him; and yet, he holds a symbol of the eagle and of writing in this "withered" hand. One hopes that with this powerful symbol and the book he opens, he will regain lost freedom once more. The book may hold wisdom and knowledge as well as provide some keys to the sad lessons of life which he now must face. The young brave may symbolize his people's deep, primordial connection to nature, which has been greatly affected by the spread of Western culture and the appropriation of land and Indian rights in the last 200 years of American history. This young man may now be using the best tool available to him. The poem is saddening, and yet there is hope within this piece. As the young brave "opens" the book, as a reader intensely hope that the future will open to him and a new and better chapter in history yet to be written will emerge. Thank you for this stirring, meaningful work. Brava! All my best, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-09-24 20:49:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
C, The opening is lovely to mediate on. I like the play of pinion and opinion very much. I like the inside view of what eagles do. The young brave and the shriveled hand in the next section allude me somehow. What makes a brave old? Why does his hand grow old. Book reading instead of sky reading, I see. Interesting that both of the eagles here are male. Thanks so much, Jane

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-09-24 11:16:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
Yes, a tanka it is an a noble one. Nourished by I like the fresh use of the word "nourished" here it gives a depth of flavor to the experiece Sierra updrafts he circles, There is a soft, sillibant "s" sound as an underdraft here which carries us along in swift passage. leaving a pinion to mark his passage. one pinion...yes...nice alliteration and even nicer image. One floats on this wing. Thank you

This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen A. Morris On Date: 2003-09-24 07:06:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Carole, I enjoyed this poem in its utter simplicity--a brave simply finding a feather on the ground. It suggests the interconnection between man and nature, the fact that all life is interconnected and the survival of all living things depends on each other. This one hits to the heart of a human world that has become so complex, and often uncaring of the wilds. The poem is also a tribute to the Native Americans who as we are told anyway, understood nature in a way the whites and blacks haven't. Not sure where Asians fit in, though. Good writing and keep 'um comin'.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-09-23 16:43:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.20000
Poet, this is a great use of this form. I love the imagery and the naturalistic tone of this poem. The format you chose really compliments your subject matter. I have no suggestions this one is perfect.

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