This Poem was Submitted By: Sergio M chavez On Date: 2004-01-15 03:12:23 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Fear I have to be strong. Okay today is the day
Things are going to change for me.
No wait, I’m scared of what others will think of me.
Will they think I’m crazy? Do they know my secrets?
Do they laugh at me? Do they crack jokes behind my back?
Do they know I hurt easily? Do they know I’m afraid to fight?
I want everyone to like me. I know I’ve done some horrible stuff before
But I could change. Can’t I? Will they respect me?
Do they think I’m a coward?
Oh no they’re looking at me again. They’re judging and criticizing me.
They must be. Look at them laugh at me. God dammit why don’t they stop?
I’m not perfect, neither are they. Just leave me the fuck alone.
Do they hate me? Are they laughing?
Do they know I fantasize my sister?
Do they know I sometimes crap my pants?
Do they know I masturbate constantly?
Do they know I watch kiddy porn?
God I’m so sorry. I’m so ashamed. It’s not my fault.
It’s not my fault I can’t stop my psychotic thoughts and desires.
I can’t help but be depressed. I need help.
She’s laughing at me, I know it.
Is it my nose? My face? My scars? Does she see my stretch marks?
It must be my smile. Do they pity me? Do they know I can’t stop lying?
Do they know I hate my retarded niece and fucking brother?
Do they know I wish my grandma would die already?
I hate myself so much.
Everything is wrong about me.
What are they thinking?
What am I thinking?
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Copyright © January 2004 Sergio M chavez
Additional Notes:
It's a disturbing piece and I understand if you wish not to comment.
Just need to vent and let everything go. Thanks for reading.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-02-07 21:46:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
I think this poem addresses every self esteem issue I can imagine. "Paronia" comes to my mind, of someones restless thoughts about what others may be thinking and saying behind their backs. People can be so cruel, quick to judge and can cause others heartache by relentlessly picking at others.
I'm not sure if this is fiction or not, but if not I think the person described in this piece is haunted by
all of these thoughts. Your poem is stark, and rings of a tortured soul.
Good luck, thanks for posting,
DeniMari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2004-01-26 20:55:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Sergio,
This poem shows so many intense emotions and I feel your fears, uncertainties and doubts about yourself.
I am not sure if this is a poem written about yourself but I do know it is one that speaks of one who has felt much pain and wants desperately to be accepted for who and what he is. It speaks of little self esteem, self hatred and a plea to be understood, forgiven for past wrongs and hopefully the will and desire to go on and put the past behind. It is a disturbing piece because there is so much sadness here. If this is you, I hope you are finding healing and peace. Thanks for sharing this very honest and deeply emotional work. Best to you.
Deb:)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-01-23 21:21:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.69231
This emotionally-charged rant about personal problems on display is not really disturbing to me, probably because of the self-debasing tone.
The first two lines are so familiar to us all. We keep having those self-talks about what we are going to do and then either fall back into our lazy states or start questioning our potential success. The fear that you speak of in the following few lines is understandable. After that, you come across as a paranoid person. If this is truly how you feel, I hope that you work things out for you.
Regarding the most disgusting (to some)elements....masturbation is natural...diapers are handy if you have defacation problems.
It is obvious that you hate yourself...it could be worse; you could be a murderer or a child molester...which I don't think you are from reading this.
The gym, healthy eating and alcohol in moderation would help...it works for me.
Mick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-20 17:06:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.70000
Wow. Kick my head in and call me Junior. You gotta like the man who has the balls to let this one see the light of day. Press every hot button, go right ahead. Thanks so much for that. Super good for no other reason than that.
I wrote a poem of a memory similar to this I will post someday.
To tell of the memory, I once took a movement class, and they asked each of us to do some movement, but I was deathly afraid to be up in front of everyone. So what I did is sit up in front of everyone, and let them have my fear of doing what I was doing full bore. They were sure uncomfortable, but I didn't let them off for one second. I looked them all right in the eye.
I think you did that here. Bravo!
REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-01-17 12:36:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Dear Sergio,
This is a very disturbing piece, I hope it isn't autobiographical. If so, I do hope you can find someone to trust and talk to. It is very open, very straight forward. I appreciate this kind of work as that is the way that I write as well. I say it from the heart and the guts and just let it pour out with no fancy words to make it look pretty.
Hope this venting has done some good. Best of luck.
Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-01-16 22:36:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Hi Sergio,
You are right this is a disturbing piece of writting but if it helps
you to vent your feelings by composing then you should keep doing it.
This is the second poem of yours I have read this month and they both
reflect feelings of debilitating fear of not fitting in and the fear
of being thought of as a coward. When I was a teenager and would
obsess about not being pretty enough..smart enough...well liked enough..
or dressed right or just all the things teens go through in their
painful attempt to grow up my mother would say..."all the other kids
are too worried about themselves to spend time worrying about you."
Those words are so wise because as I got older I could see I was just
fine and if people don't like me for any other reason than just because
I am me they don't need to like me at all. All of us humans have dark
thoughts that we are not proud of but most of us can accept that as
being normal and move on...and you can too. Even though your poetry is
gut wrenching it is impossible not to read it as it is very compelling.
And that, my friend, is the sign of a good writer, soooo just for the
hell of it write something beautiful and I think you will be surprised
that you truly do have the talent it takes to do that.
Peace....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-01-15 08:46:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.68421
Sergio....the way you do vent makes one wonder if these are true happenings or just thoughts in your mind......but it does not matter........it seems to me you are describing anxiety more so then fear but that is what anxiety is.....fear........how horrible it must be to constantly think and feel what is written within the lines........and the structure is fine, the words chosen allow the reader to follow without getting lost and still allows for images to come and go and one reads down......wish I could help you with what is bothering you........disturbing, yes it is..........sad, more so then not......I wonder why one would have such hate for a brother or niece and to want a grandmother to die.......what did she do to create such a thought......of course to a little boy perhaps something might have gone wrong when you were young and it stayed with you forever and is still eating you away......seems to me you have been perhaps if not you then the person you are speaking of has been violated over and over again during his childhood......I pray not for no child should have to go through something like that.......
Disturbing piece poet but interesting.......actually most of your poems are disturbing in one form or another but still there is a need to have them posted, a need to vent your emotions and feelings which is what you can hopefully do with each one. Thanks for posting and sharing with us....Be safe and God Bless, Claire
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