This Poem was Submitted By: Rebecca Lee On Date: 2004-01-30 09:53:15 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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A Vanishing Trick
file it.
where do you think?
the cabinet in the back.
behind
forgotten dreams ~
under
silly nightmares
no~no!
stay away from future thoughts…..
make sure it’s where no-one will find it.
i wish i had a shredder.
the forgotten cabinet.
the one
we hope will disappear.
no. it’s not empty
it has one thing in it
one ugly
not beautiful
festering
not forever
mistake.
not epiphany.
at least that’s what it is today.
always a chameleon.
just make it go away.
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Copyright © January 2004 Rebecca Lee
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-04 17:35:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56579
Good structure, nice word flow, projected images as one reads down.........actually it seems to me I have a file cabinet just like this one and fear someone might empty it on me....then what? Oh Lord No.........
forgotten dreams, silly nightmares.....we have all of those don't we? Is it safe to file our hopes and dreams and bring them forth later? I am not sure.....one might hope so......
Thanks for posting and sharing with us your thoughts and feelings.....be safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-02-04 09:24:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Excellent use of sustained metaphor that centers around a theme of error, regret and attempted concealment. The file cabinet idea, while not necessarily a new one, is treated in a fresh way. The speaker's dialogue with his/her "other self" nicely advances the development of the inner struggle. Lower case does not allow either side to dominate. If we had an italics function on this site, I'd suggest using italics for the second internal speaker. Use of "we" reveals the main speaker's awareness of his or her dual persona. One half wants to obliterate the memory, while the other is content with simply burying it. "ugly/not beautiful/festering/not forever" - the mistake isn't so horrible, yet one part of the psyche blows it out of proportion. The other is more pragmatic. At any given moment, the individual's stance will shift; hence, the chameleon comparison.
Very nicely done. it's a pleasure to read your work.
Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-02-02 09:22:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90476
Dear Rececca,
Welcome to the Link and if this piece is a representation of your work then
I hope to see more of your presence here.
This is an original/fresh idea which intrigues this reader.
Our minds certainly can play tricks, but I like the spin you put on this.
The title, "A Vanishing Trick" is apt for the subject.
The way you lay this out like stream of conciousness goes well with the title
and makes it flow extremely well.
But,also I can tell you didn't just throw it together because you have obviously spent
time pondering order and word placement. Heres what I mean by that:
"the forgotten cabinet.
the one
we hope will disappear."
putting "the one" by itself emphasizes this is something big we want to go away.
The other word placements and just the general way you arranged this shows a
definate gift for same to this reader.
And, oh, can I ever identify with this, and I'm sure many others can too, because
everyone has something they wish would just GO AWAY! :)
I have only one slight suggestion--Lose the ~ . It's slightly distracting, but no big deal.
Especially compared to the enjoyment of this read.
So, thanks for sharing this and I look forward to more of your work.
Blessings,
Jennfier
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-01-31 12:56:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.32000
Dear Rebecca,
I felt that this written deep from within your heart. We all have that one thing that we wish we could undo, hide, never think about again. It is hard to know what to do with it and I felt every word that you wrote. I find that writing does help, makes you take it out, examine it, and lessens the guilt, pain, and uneasiness that you feel.
This was a heartfelt poem, and they are always the hardest to critique as they are so much a part of the writer. You did a good job expressing your emoitions, the broken format and short, terse lines add to the pathos of the poem. Good Job, good luck.
Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-01-30 16:05:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72727
Outstanding.
Whoever you are, stay here.
Keep writing.
Keep posting.
Just don't go away.
someone -
just make her stay.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-30 11:19:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.32000
This is a good description to me of the longing for the lost communication with the soul that has been cut off by our ego. I guess if you've read any of my work or my critiques before, then this may seem a bit predictable. But then at the end, we get the idea that it may be the ego being asked to go away. The problem is that it doesn't- not without a pretty good fight anyway.
I like the change I just spoke of, as it brings the whole obscure rest of the poem into sharp focus with the last line. Well done.
Thanks,
REEG!
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