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This Poem was Submitted By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-03-09 10:42:50 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Life Support (Revised)

Dirty wood slats were the first to greet me telling stories of earlier visitors many who'd suffered the pains of life I was just happy to be accepted I graduated to tile, metal and marble and the tales became more obscure than my writing with moments of brilliance and flashes of darkness my rump relaxed and curly hair falling out fast Midlife moments were spent far from food fairs at expensive hotels as the money rolled in feeling a pain in my belly and a tug at my crotch wondering whether I was ever going to be happy Thirteen lines later I was back at the slats happily realizing that I'd never know yet Harps could be found everywhere and so could slat-sharing friends

Additional Notes:
Revised thanks to great suggestions from Tom and Michele. I would be happy to explain any portion of this if required.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-03-14 17:41:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Mick, your two changes (removal of 2nd just and hypenating slat sharing) do make this an even more enjoyable read. You just have such a great way of verbalizing concepts. I especially enjoy all the alliteration of rump/relaxed, falling /fast, midlife/moments, far/from/food/fairs. Your life went full circle and it seems that I have been reading about that from other TPLers lately. Thanks again for an enjoyable read. Keep sharing your gift with us, Mick. We love your sense of humor and serious side both! Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-12 12:39:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.16667
Interesting additions to the ending of this one which does make the read so much better......thanks for posting and sharing with us....having just critiqued the other the flow of words does allow much more from this one.....be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-10 22:32:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.87500
Hi Mick. Marcia again. I only see two changed--you took the extra 'just' out as per Michele's(?) suggestion--and you hyphened slat-sharing. I really know how you feel. I submitted a poem once that had a misspelled word in it, and I couldn't stand it until I submitted another one with the word spelled right. My original requests, though, still stand. What do the 'slats' mean? Thanks for sharing. Marcia McCaslin

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-10 08:54:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Yes, Mick, this is an improvement - with the suggested alterations. I still, however, am not sure where this takes the reader, although the images are powerful and the meter making for an easy read. It is the thoughts provoked that cause hesitation - the attempting to put a finger on the pain or, I guess, the journey the poet is taking us on. It certainly awakens the reader with its strength of imagery. I do believe this is a tale of one's journey through life, with an anticipation of what's ahead with the "harps", but this can only be anticipation, not for certain?? I hope my comments don't seem negative, because I did enjoy this read very much. [Now, please mail the explanation to see if I've made a fool of myself.]

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-09 15:55:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Mick, I think I need your help with this one! I am not sure what the useage of 'slat' means. I think of it as a stave or merely means of support. What I take away after several reads is a man searching to find himself. One who is looking for friends and support from those friends. He knows he is doing well because he 'graduated' to tile, metal, marble, all of which are stronger than mere wooden slats. In midlife he found himself spending too much money on material things that did not make him happy...which is the one and only emotion he searches for. "Thirteen lines later I was back at the slats"...I'm so sorry that I just can't interpet that line. However, you end this piece on a positive note saying that you realize that happiness and friends are all around you...you just need to look. Okay...I have just fractured this piece all to hell..sorry. It is well written and has a quality that screams READ ME...a sign of an excellent writer. Peace...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-03-09 14:15:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mick, You are portraying a different kind of life here. The person is realizing about his life and it is just as practical as common people do. Life Support? I could just realize that to be happy with life is not found on material things. The deeper essence of life is the people around you, friends and so on. These people are greatest life support. The use of metaphor is powerful. I can feel the hard texture with the slat, wood...etc. It sets up the tone of the poem. "yet Harps could be found everywhere and so could slat-sharing friends" --- new concept of idea. I like the use of harps to be the real instrument to savor the life with joy and happiness. Thanks for sharing this revision, Mick. It is greatly appreciated. By the way, congratulations for you previous submission "For Mom". The idea of wood/slats is somehow present there and so with here! Write on. Jordan

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