Wayne R. Leach's E-Mail Address: martij@surfglobal.net

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Wayne R. Leach	Critique Date
Dark Angel	Edgar Alan Pierce	EAP, A lot of imagery, but several spelling and grammatical errors, too. Spaces should come after commas, before and after hyphens except when joining compound words; I found the extra-long lines quite distracting and would suggest a more uniform format. There appeared, in my opinion, to be many unnecessary capitals in mid-sentence (another distraction - for me at least). Angelic essence -Demon curse Fighting light and dark Fighting person and self Never finding center-always off count Angel fighting the good battle-loving,careing-trying to be ones self - [caring] Demon taunting-Fighting evil,hate-Clawing at flesh like wild animals on prey Fighting to keep one in control Fighting to keep one alive Ever fighting but ever losing ground Keeping love an compassion away-in fear and of guilt Fighting hate and evil from lashing out affecting innocent Ever searching-longing for the inner love and inner peace Damned to a life of suffering and hateing oneself - [sp. hating] Fearing death again-fear of rebirth of a Dark Angel Dark Angel--One who is cast from heaven and from hell Dwealing in life -ever surviving never enjoying Allow the Angel to touch in love Deny the demon from unleashing havoc Angel eyes - Demon blood Seeing from both views -yearning to give in Demon with a conscience Angel with hate Two exremes- never finding center - [typo - extremes] Fighting another day - with the reality of a living hell What the Dark Angel wants is simple an true - [typo - and] To find peace,understanding and love so true-without a Demon[']s taunt of guilt and hate of the under[-]serving state Dark Angel walks alone-for knowing no one can touch without being burned The Dark Angel projecting the image you long to see Ever hiding the truth in fear it would destroy So I end now with a word of advice- Know and be true-rejoice in the real you While the Demon only can touch you--it shall live within me Love is the light Hate is the dark Dwealing in neither there is only nothing - [sp. Dwelling?] Just a few pointers. Hope they help. wrl	2004-09-29 18:43:53
1000 DEAD AMERICANS	Mark D. Kilburn	Mark, an emphatic political statement. Here are a few suggestions for a polishing: insanity at it’s worst - [its] over-consumption - [no hyphen needed IMHO] have innocent Iraqi’s died - [no apostrophe needed; that makes it possessive] please act for humanities sake - [humanity's sake; possessive, not plural form] wrl	2004-09-29 18:29:38
2 (Play)	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana, a very nice attempt at what I think you intend for haiku. If mistaken, shoot with both barrels! ragged white-capped waves [roar - not needed, IMHO] - count 5(for those who do) oceanic melodies - [relocation for form] - count 7(for the same ones) children play in sand - [relocation for form, and to narrow the imagery at the closing line] - count 5(for ?) Nice scene, and hope to see more. Best wishes. wrl	2004-09-05 15:47:07
A Loss of White	Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.	Medard L., I found this piece very dark, almost menacing in its pessimistic outlook, and it, therefore, served its purpose well, I assume. I found very little to suggest for alteration. The staccato lines with the intensity of alliteration and imagery were magical in portraying the emotion pouring from this piece. In one place I think a word might be deleted, but nothing else to offer. If only a shimmer Of the pure intensity Once so white Would enter into me - [I think "into" could be left out of this line, unless you feel it is essential. I understand the assonance connection with "intensity" 2 lines above, as well as the t allits; so maybe you should keep it. Just a possibility.] Good writing, but not my favorite genre. Best wishes. wrl	2004-09-05 14:26:48
Unspoken	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana, hi! I like the form you selected for this piece, and the enjambment is very effective, but here's a few suggestions for your consideration: Alice is not the only little girl who stepped through the looking glass into a world of self, and mixed messages, inside her - [delete both commas? I see no need for them.] mind. I do not know the exact time my journey into twilight began. The memories still come in bits and pieces. There is a strangeness in certain sounds, smells,* colors,* snatches of conversation and old photographs, which key vivid recollections, for an - [delete comma? again I see no need.] [*I think I'd simply leave these on L2 of this without the extreme spacing, only commas or hyphens.] instant. Often, later in deep sleep, the remembrances of childhood so long ago, - [another unnecessary comma?] are knit together. Somewhere, among the billions of clichés, someone said that children read between the lines and hear the unspoken. What they perceive is in fact, their reality. My past is not viewed through rose-colored glasses. I wish it were so, because the color rose represents, happiness, - [delete comma after "represents? then semi-colon or period is needed after "happiness", I would say.] [A]ll my life I have searched for that elusive feeling. The earliest memories are jumbled. I cannot be sure if they even belong to me. Perhaps they are collections of conversations held by adults in my presence, faded sepia photographs [i]n dusty albums, and/or stories told in litany. Regardless how acquired, they are the fabrics - [maybe "they are fabrics/in the crazy quilt...?] of the crazy quilt that makes up my psyche. As I remember the tunnel, maybe I will find the light at the end. Adele Stephenson’s famous quote: “In the twilight of our times, there are no quick paths to the light-switch,” could well speak for my entire life. Very intriguing read, and with a little doctoring, should be an extra special poem. Hope I have helped with my suggestions. Thanks for sharing. wrl	2004-09-04 20:53:23
The Counsel Of The Trees	Nancy Ann Hemsworth	Nancy, an intriguing poem indeed. Very good meter, rhyme patterns, alliteration et al. I enjoyed it immensely, so thanks for sharing it with us. I question a couple things, and wonder if a change might be needed. I see commas in some stanzas, not others. I think there might be a need to add just a few here and there to help the reader determine just where the pauses should be - because, as I read it, there appeared to be options available [esp. in S2] that made it a little confusing. If read with pauses where you have commas, it seemed "out-of-sync" to me. My suggestions are only that - suggestions for consideration. With moonlight bright and twinkling so while spilling shadowed trees below[,] the valley stretched in silhouette and visions formed from long ago among the laden trees. The shadows rose as moonlight passed and told [of] stories[,] drawn from the past - [these might not be needed?] in soft sweet whispers, voices danced - [semi-colon, instead of comma? or at end of line maybe?] they spoke in rustled rumbles low[,] their hosts the evergreens. Across this frigid open book the winds with words did lay an ancient text, embossed in snow with visions of a different day. Ah!... such sweet dreams in lullabies did play. But in this vision filled with light[,] - [add this one?] had anyone[,] witnessed the sight - [and delete this one?] or heard the wisdom spoke that night - [maybe "spoken"?] among the counsel trees? Sorry for my apparent confusion, but maybe it is just me? :>\ I did enjoy the read, in spite of the confused [for me] pauses. The story is an excellent one, and the imagery and the use of other poetic tools is very nicely done. Simply identify the pauses a little more clearly, and I think it will truly shine. Just my humble opinion. Thanks for sharing, and write on - please. wrl	2004-08-27 20:45:11
Here in the Dark	Patricia Gibson-Williams	Patricia, thanks for sharing such a personal experience with us in this beautifully professional piece of work. I read it some time ago, and decided to wait and come back to it later for my critique. It was much more emphatic, and "sunk in" with such ease upon my return. Maybe the first time, I was a little tired to delve into it properly. I am glad for my decision because it is an excellent piece of work. It needs nothing - absolutely nothing, and I certainly hope it receives proper recognition. Best wishes. wrl	2004-08-27 20:14:11
Maundy Thursday	G. Donald Cribbs	Don, a most emotional and professionally prepared read. The imagery is great, the story with its message of life and death, bold and vivid. Very enjoyable, notwithstanding the sadness evoked. I gave pause for a brief second at this point: "I straddle a fallen trunk massive enough to have rooted itself in the stream on its side." ...but, on re-reading it found it worked perfectly well. At first, I tried to connect the final prepositional phrase with "fallen trunk" to locate it, then realized it was intended "to have rooted...in the bed of the stream". Maybe I was just a wee bit slow on this, eh? ;>) Truly a nice piece, and I found nothing else to give me pause, so... write on. Thanks for sharing this scene and journey with us. wrl	2004-08-27 20:04:49
Wading with the muse	Lynda G Smith	Lynda, a very interesting read, almost syncopated with those interior rhymes following the end rhymes (call it enjambment - or clever):>). Unusual, but effeective imagery in places. I like that, too. I see a lot of consonance, assonance and alliteration used which shows the skills you possess. I suggest nothing at all for changes - for none are necessary IMHO. I liked the central portion of: ".... Give me pain, that driving fuel, that feeds and seeds the power of creation. ..." - and - the plural "passions' water." was ever so effective. Very nice work. Best wishes, and kudos. wrl	2004-08-27 19:47:02
INSOMNIA	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana, now I have read it, and enjoyed it immensely. Thanks for pointing to it for me. It was near the bottom of my list. I love the imagery, the almost comical, yet sensual, imagery. The enjambment worked wonders; the assonance, consonance, and alliteration did as well. That ending line was totaly unexpected. I thought maybe there would be more "hair" involved. (dirty old man) ;>) Loved the "Esophageal enumerations"! Great read. Thanks again. Not much to offer for improvement though. The only thing I might suggest would be to cut one of the caps, the one on bullfrog, but it is not critical. Write on, friend. wrl	2004-08-26 21:11:43
Moonlight	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, a nice haiku with excellent syllable count (for those who do; it is not critical in the English, but still okay). Nature and season included is good. I had a slight pause when reading the beginning line, trying to see "shadows" with "moonlight" on them, and I think maybe "moonlight and shadow[s]" would be a little better IMHO. A little religion (L3) tossed into a haiku I suppose is all right, as well. I would rather see them just catching a glimpse of nature's wonder though. Best wishes. wrl	2004-08-26 20:55:55
Tolerance	Andrea M. Taylor	Andrea, I enjoyed the twisting, turning, thought-provoking lines of this very much. A lot said in a condensed form. A philosophically insightful write, and the ending line pulls it all together. Well said, so I cannot see any way I could improve on it, except consider changing "is" to "equals". Just a last-minute idea, to take or leave. :>) Best regards. wrl	2004-08-26 20:08:58
A life in the day of a gutter-girl	Lynda G Smith	Lynda, a most powerful piece of work. Catchy and "twisted" title, if intentionally done! The imagery simply "hauls" the reader down these lines to reach that dramatic punch-line - that powerful closing image. Wonderful job, so thanks for posting this one. Very sensual at times, with very accurate [IMHO] descriptors of what this girl might encounter. Thank you, and I can offer nothing for improving upon this one. [surprise!] ;>) wrl	2004-08-25 20:02:54
Customized Love	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana, tender and touching read. Extraordinary form and imagery making for an enjoyable journey with the lovers. One question only: foretasting tomorrow - [should this be "tomorrow's manifestations"?] manifestations Other than that little item, I se nothing else I could suggest for improvement. I enjoyed the serenity and calmness instilled from reading this. Good job. wrl	2004-08-25 19:32:32
UNTITLED	JACK M HRINIAK	Jack, a beautiful elegy to your father - so brief, yet so complete with much going on between each and every line. I only see one thing to change: and than - [this should be "then", I believe] he dies alone No other problems, and an emotional read well told. Thanks for sharing the note, as well.	2004-08-25 19:24:37
The Ephod	G. Donald Cribbs	Don, a marvelous write and read. Very descriptive, reverent, and coherent. I think the closing phrase "..., away from epiphanies in fathomless dark." was fantastic. Emphatic, the "fumbling with doctrine and truth"! The symbolism of nature's wonders were expressed very well, and exceedingly effective. I can offer no suggestions for improvement to this one. Powerful, sir. thanks for sharing, and best wishes. Wayne	2004-08-23 22:03:01
Search	Edwin John Krizek	Ed, a pleasant and easy read. Nice form for this short, emotional piece. Lines 4 & 5 create a sense of urgency, and leads the reader on into the central theme, the warm emotion (love, I imagine) described with that very powerful "electrical" simile. The only (and minor) thing I might suggest, would be to seek another synonym for "purely" in the next to last line. I am not sure that even a rose would do that, although it certainly is a "pure" expression of love. I don't know, just seems a little awkward. No big deal, for it is a soft word that fits the tenor of the poem. Best wishes. Wayne	2004-08-23 21:51:25
Undaunted Soul	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, Nice read, a little metaphorical is it? Nice personification of a few of nature's own. About the only things I can offer are: Isn't "teardrops" one word? You could maybe cut a little from the long L1 of S2, by saying either "resounds with a..." or "speaks with (or in) a...". I don't think you need both. Just an opinion. Thunder resounds speaking in quarrelsome tongue it rumbles and clangs aloud but my - [is "aloud" necessary, or kind of implied automatically? ] ears are deaf to the drowning sound, - ["drowning sound" of thunder? maybe "booming" or something similar?] [even the] mountains expound and brooks abound. - [suggestion only - "as mountains expound and ..."]? The assonance abounds, too! ;>) Well done. Best wishes, Wayne	2004-08-23 21:30:09
New Hope Shopping	DeniMari Z.	Dear DeniMari, I can see you really enjoyed this visit, and your shopping experience here, but it is my feeling that this is a little too choppy. The staccato lines would be appropriate in a poem that one wants to move fast or show intense anger, or excitement. In this one, I think your readers would be more serene and captivated by the quaintness of this village, and your experience, if the lines were extended some. You could still maintain the rhyming and alliteration, for interior rhymes work very well, too. The picture you paint of your experience is clear, but seems rushed, so just combine some of the lines. This is only a suggestion for trial, and if it doesn't appeal to you in that style, then "round-file" these ideas, okay? I'll play with it a little to see what happens, but you can do it in your own way. After all, I do not want to re-write anybody's work, only help with a little polish, if possible. I took a lot of liberty, even altering a few phrases and words, but I hope you don't object too harshly. Lush green, floral dotted bricks on bricks, tiny town quietly amused by shoppers seeking candles to dream with, sad songs to sing and art galore, yet so much more: a captivating culture unwinding whims, unearthing childish mysteries from deep within, dark metals and lanterns lit - a stage in time, each visitor here to find, quirky as tie dyed, that's died and been born again, staged a setting to find peace in it's own breathless hymm. Forgive me for being so brazen, but I wanted you to see what my honest opinion could do for it. As I said, you have to [by no means] follow this pattern, or any of my suggestions, but you can tell from this what I really think would help smooth it and slow it down for more serene enjoyment. Best wishes. wrl	2004-08-22 17:09:56
The Nightingale's Song	Robert L Tremblay	Robert, this is a fascinating tale of the nightingale [probably Florence of the Crimean War] aiding and consoling the lost, the injured, the truly pitiful remnants [no, not remnants, but heroes] of war. I will offer absolutely nothing for change. It is a most worthy effort, and should do well this month. It has a very nice meter and rhyme scheme. The imagery is well suited to the story you have brought forth. Nice job, fellow poet. wrl	2004-08-20 22:29:27
japanese verse 56 (Lilac)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl, nice to see more of these from you. I do enjoy this form, but I am afraid this one appeared a little vague and disconnected. Is "blows" a noun or a verb, as well as "let" - with (you) understood, or implied, to be the subject in L1? If blows is, as I expect, referring to lilacs, then how to make the sense from it? "Blows" is plural, so if connected to the verb "perfumes", the tense is not right. The other 2 lines might be okay without L1 as it stands, but aren't "fragrance" and "perfumes" a bit too similar, leading almost to redundancy? Hope I didn't burst any bubbles with this nit-picking, but I truly think this one needs to be re-worked a little. Just my honesty showing through. I've tried to conjure up some alternatives, but will have to leave that to the one who wishes to convey the experience, for I was not in "the garden" at the time. ;>) I wish you well, and have enjoyed your many verses. wrl (I know I will be in the minority on this one, but whatever wil be, will be.)	2004-08-20 21:53:52
Revelry	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne, what a change from you! I have not seen the haiku from your pen previously - or I am more senile than I thought. ;>) This is right on target, for syllable count [for those who care], it has season, nature, and a connection between 2 lines, plus the hint of connection to L1 because of the actions in the last 2 lines, creating the obtuse connection to the shower [if that was what "sprinkler" referred to]. That was one of my difficulties, because if it is a lawn sprinkler, that detracts from the natural setting, and injects more of a man-made type of interference IMO, leading almost to senryu. If it is a shower, why not say it simply instead of obliquely. Haiku do not usually play mind games of this type. One more little option for you to consider due to the fact that, in English language haiku, the syllable count is not really required to be 5-7-5, I might suggest dropping the "late" from the 1st line. Other than that, I do not see any other things I might suggest for improvement. A really fine haiku. Are more in the offing? Regards. wrl	2004-08-20 21:25:47
The Helpmeet	G. Donald Cribbs	Don, this is a marvelus tale of "life", loaded with metaphorical expressions/images. Your use of assonance is enough to astound the most avid of poets. [ribs - licks; quite like; mother offering; long - tongue and on and on. You have created an excellent poem, the punctuation seems exactly as I would have done, so I cannot suggest a thing. An excellent and strong closing line, and you've got rhythm, too! :>) Best regards. wrl	2004-08-18 20:29:19
America	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, thanks for sharing this beautiful offering. Eagles soar, seabirds flutter and meadowlarks warble in unison. His - [This sentence gave me pause, seeming a little clumsy in its linkage.] rainbows limn the heavens, moist from a tempest, and ardent sun cast elusive shadows. - [Maybe check the tense of "cast"?] "begemed" - [I am totally unaware of what this is, and could not locate anything similar in my M-W.] It could be a typo, but durned if I can figure it out. Am I dense, or what?];>) Other than these, I had no problem, and enjoyed the description of "our world" that He shared with us. Best regards. wrl	2004-08-18 20:20:19
Virgin Snow	cheryl a kelley	Hi again, Cheryl! Entrancing read, so full of imagery and activity it takes a few reads to gather it all in. I see a few "glitches", so here's my 2 pennies worth: []=delete; ()=add; {}=change It’s stifling {and} pulls a trickle of sweat across my forehead I gather my tools, a red [pail], a yellow igloo block maker(,) and check to see that my sisters are fully equipped. the snow glistens and reflects the winter sun and we’re excited to cross the field and build our new homestead* There seems to be too many "and"s in these 2 lines, and they distracted this reader. Maybe 1 or 2 could be removed like - the snow glistens(,)[and] reflects the winter sun and we[’re] excited(ly) [to] cross the field {to} build our new homestead [ Note that these are merely suggestions for consideration, for I do not want to (nor should I) re-write your poem.] I jump in [with both feet]* and am startled to hear crackling and feel pointed edges *I understand the intent, but how else? Would you leave one of them behind? Of course you could be handicapped, but usually the reader would not assume that. I just think the less window dressing, the better. In other words, usually less is better and strengthens what is there. Otherwise, this is a very strong and emphatic, even scary, stanza. Hope I am making sense.:>/ the shattered surface. She steadies herself and pulls her hand back towards her [body and]across the edge of the broken plane. I watch her blood stain the corner of the glass and spread with capillary like action quickly through the powdery * confections of the world below. *I'd suggest changing the central portion of this line to read: of the glass and spread quickly with capillary-like action through the powdery But this is another very vivid and emotionally packed stanza, regardless. We [gather together and] examine her shallow flesh wound{, then}look [out] at the field and the snow that {seems} so inviting, aware now of its dangerous secrets. We {plan} to turn back but when we {do} the door has disappeared and there is only a high window in its place{. The} house has seemed to {retreat} into the distance, and is enclosed by a short white fence. In the closing couplet, the word "entranceless" caused me to hesitate. I wondered if there was such a word, so could we find a synonym for that, or another way to say there's no entrance? Then, I believe this would be a fine, strong closing to this magical piece of writing. I wonder if leaving that right out entirely would work, where it was stated in the prior verse? Like: So we turn back toward the field, take our first steps through breaking glass to build our new homestead. Hope I have not been too harsh, for I really like this, and have no intention of discouraging you. Use what works for you, if any, and discard the rest. My best wishes come with this critique. wrl	2004-08-16 19:26:22
Speed Metal	Jeff Green	Jeff, I truly enjoyed this, especially during the vivd imagery of the "street scene" and the people who occupy it, night and day. I was somewhat led astray at the end, however. It seemed to lose me in these 2 lines*: to red ribbon missionaries who offer religion sleep* even [] their kids back* - [Is there a word "with" missing?] but there is only one god - [Then I loved the closing couplet, how true it is - to some.] mercury I checked your bio, and now know why I hadn't seen your work here before. I was AWOL from here for several years, including 2003 during which you had posted some other work. Sorry I missed it, but I'll check it out when time allows. Best wishes, and write on. wrl	2004-08-15 12:02:40
Conception	G. Donald Cribbs	Thank you for the wonderful tribute to an approaching miracle, Don. Congratulations on both accomplishments. The poem speaks with imagery seldom seen, and assonance and alliteration are tools with which you have achieved a rhythmic and flowing read. The punctuation is what steers me through this piece, because without it, I might have wandered astray in a couple places. For instance: We are reliving the embrace that charged us to the water's edge, giddy, desire welling up like laughter, our tongues gasping at the shore of our mouths. The enjambment that stretches from verse to verse seems to cause hesitation for me often. So, I wonder if it is sometimes better to use it sparingly. Maybe, if the poem were in continuum instead of tercets, it might read a little clearer - not that it is not a wonderful piece of work. The opening stanza left me a little puzzled, maybe because I am not familiar with your subject matter?? My lips against yours like every vow promised, curled around its finger's namesake. I seem to wonder: what is the finger's namesake around which the vow is curled? - or am I way off, and merely confused? These are the only problems I had, and I did enjoy it, notwithstanding my confusion. Again, I congratulate you and your wife, and hope the blessed event comes and goes without a hitch. Thanks for sharing.wrl	2004-08-15 11:51:20
A Fish Out of Water	G. Donald Cribbs	Don, A superb work, IMHO. I won't bother to copy and paste, only mention that you have used an immense amount of poetic tools [you know what they are] very well. The images had a profound effect on me, although I am not a fisherman. I have experienced and seen the results [as a child esp.] of fish responding to their capture - on banks, sod, wharves, etc. This piece returned these images to me dramatically, as was the intent I'm certain. I find no fault, nor have a solitary suggestion for change. You, sir, are a very fine poet. I've read many of your pieces, and usually find perfect grammar, punctuation, form, meter, etc. Enough praise for now. :>) Thanks for sharing this beauty, though a little sad for me. [Note: Metaphorically, it is perfect, too. At times, I gasped as I read it - seeking breath, salvation.]	2004-08-04 14:11:31
Kaddish for Ginsberg	Rachel F. Spinoza	Rachel, I read and enjoyed this, although not a dedicated fan of the Ginsberg club. I saw a few little things I could suggest for improvement, so will offer them. The piece was a dramatic and image-filled read, and well done [in my amateurish Ginsberg opinion]. Now, to the nits [tiny & few]: Okay, Alan-so you - [space the hyphen?] up and died and there was Robert Hass, (quoting something someone said ) which lead to how you - ["which led..."?] have disappeared G-d help us, the pages of Newsweek,[. A] and time. - [even tho it isn't the Time mag?] holy, holy, holy near Sausalito near North [B]each - [Isn't this a name of a real town?] near nirvana in the final baptism of Absolut reality - [Nice!] 2. to throw themselves naked over cliffs of can[']t- [contraction of cannot?] going down on him in a continium of bliss - [sp. continuum?] 3. Jazz or k.d[.] lang and howl with you[,] Alan, like so many deserted and marking hydrants with hot streams of prose - [emphatic imagery] I admit it's powerful, and well done - [in spite of myself];>)	2004-08-04 13:59:31
Wick of Christ	G. Donald Cribbs	Very strong indeed, Don. Very moving and emotional read. I can not say I enjoyed it, but acknowledge the quality and the effort that went to its creation, the strength of the writer to share a piece of this magnitude and content. I was a fortunate boy-child, having 2 loving parents, who punished me when needed, but who never abused me, or my brother. The baptism was certainly an experience, and you gave a vivid picture of it. I'll not bore you by rambling further, but this will get a vote from me. Regards. wrl	2004-08-01 17:55:59
Saying Good-Bye at the Seaside Cafe	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne, great action to introduce the reader to this nice piece of work. The conversation works as a magnetic force to draw one into it. [No, I didn't mean into the sea. :>)] This is so full of allits and assonance I won't itemize, but it is well done. I see only two things, and one is the "'Till" beginning L8. Unless it has only one "l", I think the apostrophe is not needed, for it is a short version of "until" and the apostrophe would replace the "un", so why add an extra "l"? Had to find something, my friend, or I wouldn't be me. :>) Nice read, write. The other thing is that this line: "Where periphery of land meets edge of sea--" caused me to hesitate, trying to add some articles, but they would make it too long, so maybe it would be a little smoother to change to "Where periphery of land meets the sea"? just a thought. In other words, "edge" would be quite implied by their meeting, and it seems IMO a little unnecessary. Other than this, I find absolutely no fault. Nice work, and thought-provoking because the sea can be many things - from a calm and peaceful beauty to an angry, violent turmoil. It has claimed many, and I could have imagined this piece to lead to a disaster when reading the central portion, but it seems that the subject[s] just visited, said "so long" and went their way to return again another day. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing. wrl	2004-07-31 19:19:25
japanese verse 55 (Moon)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl, Her majesty really shines in this one. Nice "picture" of her highness ruling the night kingdom with the stars as her servants. Inventive writing, concise format. I can't see anything to change here. Could it be that this is Sol's wife?? [grin] Best regards. wrl	2004-07-30 21:58:01
japanese verse 53 (Ecstasy)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	An underlying sensuousness in this one, Erzahl. Imagination takes me way-y-y-y up there. [grin] A pleasure to read this senryu with its perfect syllable count, which may or may not be essential to the English form. Nice job, sir. peace. wrl	2004-07-29 20:09:55
Symphonious Secret	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana, another good one from you. I'm beginning to think you're prolific [smile]. There's a lot of fine imagery, assonance - and especially emotion here. Very pleasing to read, but a few suggestions to polish it, if you don't mind: I vaguely recall you awakening me - [change to "waking me" maybe for cadence, and getting the hard "a" out?] out of an Ambian haze, with soft pickle green eyes. I, hear you - [what a color for eyes! but, delete comma?] off in a distance amid the music - [off in "the" distance, or "from a distance" maybe. It just seems odd.]?? of the blood moon, saying soon you will - [more nice assonance!] me. Sleep crowds reality and we are gone again into thickness of night. Wrapped - [Beginning here, this sentence, with all its clauses & phrases seems too complex.] in a soft navy blanket; dreaming remembered - [and, only a comma after blanket, then "I dream..."?] fragments; the heat of your essence blends with me, - [I think a period after "fragments" would improve it.] now, tomorrow and for always, with the sensation of the sparkling golden bracelet touching my skin, I know all things. In my imagination I wander - [down to here. A lot to connect for this reader.] through each fantasy room in warm nakedness… looking for a sign. - [beautiful ending punch] Thanks for posting this for us to share. Best wishes. wrl	2004-07-29 19:59:52
Worms in the Summer Grass	G. Donald Cribbs	What a powerful piece, Don. It is filled with such visuals as few can conjure up. The nights hold such pain and fear in far too many young people, nightmares mix with reality. This poem shows one such example with emotion not available to us lucky ones. The anger is so vivid, this reader could actually share in it. You have used many similes and metaphors to the maximum, as well IMO. Far be it from me to attempt to change a piece of this magnitude. The seemingly separate incidents are connected by the undercurrent flowing between the lines - about the boy you never knew who choked, making the reader connect the invisible dots as to why. Congratulations on completing this poem, and (if a personal episode) I hope for you a final closure and peace throughout the rest of your life. If not personal, it is a most gripping and dramatic tale, regardless of the subject. Thanks for sharing. wrl	2004-07-29 19:27:53
Sleepless in Colombo	Mark Andrew Hislop	Hey, Mark! Sounds like a hard night. Nicely done; seems like a flashback, except for the "Colombo". ;>) I loved the many metaphors, very different and creative indeed. What an "un"forgettable ending, too. Superb job, sir. The only change I would even consider possibly making would be to join the last 2 lines of S2. I do not think it would damage the flow, or the thought. In fact, I think it makes that last phrase more emphatic, but it is yours, and this merely something for you to consider - maybe toss in the "round file" [delete]. Excellent post, and rewarding read. Thanks, adn best wishes. wrl	2004-07-28 16:42:49
NIRVANA	Robert L Tremblay	Hi Robert, welcome back. I, too, left for a while, but have been back for a few months now. This was a very pleasant read, and yes, I am truly grateful for this brief moment spent among mortals. When young, I felt immortal, but now realize that I am neither young nor immortal. I did some hesitating during the 1st two stanzas due to the amount of commas, I think. I wonder if it would work with a little re-phrasing to get rid of a couple of them? Maybe, as a suggestion only: Ignore me if you must, but words beware For I speak the one tongue of the wise men, That which controls the beastly, roaming herds Through spoken truths and written words from pen. My spirit is timeless, my thoughts do lament, And if I live or not, remain I, one With self and faithful to my passion’s vent Of earthly paradise beneath the sun. It seems more rhythmic to me this way, but "Hey!" It is yours, and a nice one. Best wishes and thanks for submitting. wrl	2004-07-28 16:32:00
Dining with Coon	Jana Buck Hanks	Bet you can see me grinning ear to ear. Thanks for the ride back down memory lane, although "my parts" are different, I can relate because I was pretty shy and was embarrassed sometimes as a youngster, too. The staccato-like quality of the lines/stanzas make this a fast-moving read, as it should be. I found myself propelled down the poem from that effect, to reach that hilarious [but, not at the time] ending. Excellent job, Jana. Very enjoyable, down to earth images. Robuck - [Roebuck, I believe] Best regards, wrl	2004-07-28 16:17:06
Parade	marilyn terwilleger	I'm sure you caught the missing "a" on the oompha in the 2nd line of that nice creativity, and check the spelling of "thoroughfare". Thanks for marching us down memory lane. I played trumpet/cornet in high school band and bugle in the Air Force Drum and Bugle Corps. This piece brought back so much imagery and was a very enjoyable read. Nice form and the rhythm is super. 'Nuff said, except "thanks" again. Peace. wrl	2004-07-24 18:54:51
Water Lilies	Edwin John Krizek	Yes, it is - and very nicely done, Edwin. Thanks for the change of pace, and the display of your very varied ald valid talent. In S2, L1 - I think the comma at the end is unnecessary, breaking the flow into the next line. And, in S3, I think I might move the comma from the center of L1 to the end of that line. Otherwise, I think it needs nothing altered. Exceptional piece and a pleasant read. Thanks for posting. Peace. wrl	2004-07-24 18:44:10
American Gothic	Edwin John Krizek	Neatly formed couplets, and so relaxing to read - with the simple, yet explicit, imagery. A reflection of times past, and aptly named. I truly enjoyed this, Edwin. Serenity surrounds every word, even in S5 with its hard b's, k's, and t's. I guess it only takes a single "oo" to calm me. :>) I wonder in S1, if you meant that the single bird sings more than one song, or is the apostrophe misplaced? How about a comma between "jacket tie"? That's it - and I just got a call. Gotta run. My best regards. Peace wrl	2004-07-23 19:30:06
Word Pirate	Karen Ann Jacobs	Nicely done, Kay-Ren. You have given us sights and sounds of the pirate's attack in this piece. Some nice alliteration and assonance, esp. in the last stanza. Interesting perspective of those who "steal" from the dictionary, and "throw" it at a piece of paper - or monitor. :>) I enjoyed that slant rhyme ending S3, too. A unique word with a unique purpose. Excellent and interesting piece. Thanks for posting. Peace. wrl	2004-07-23 19:12:14
Grounded	Lynda G Smith	A wonderful flight down a page. Your alliteration and staccato lines make this poem fly of its own accord. I believe this to be a tribute to those with wings, and an excellent one, too. I see nothing I could suggest for improvement. Thanks for sharing. Peace. wrl	2004-07-22 20:56:48
JOURNEY OF THE CRYSTAL CAVE	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana, another beautiful creation from your mind - your "dreams". lol What astounding alliteration and consonance you've employed throughout this piece! The form works nicely, too. Nice use of enjambment. Now that's said, I'll raise a couple of issues, though very minor IMO. child size - [maybe "child-size"?] -and- magick - [Is this sp. intentional, or maybe an older version (O.E.) that I'm unfamiliar with? If so, my apologies.] Nothing more to give, except kudos. Regards. wrl	2004-07-22 20:12:03
Atelier Prayer	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana - what a fascinating piece to read. I suggest all who read this to read it aloud - several times - to hear and see the canvas you have painted with your poetry. It is thought-provoking, tantalizing, spectacularly visual. The amount of alliteration you have spead from your palette astounds the senses of this old poet. It seems to me that you had an abundance of enjoyment just writing something like this. It rings out with the "fun" of S4. At first read, I was going to blunder into suggesting some hyphenation in a few places where I thought there were compound words that needed it. On 2nd, 3rd etc. reads, I discovered that these could be read, with ease, in a different and slower pace with no need for the hyphenation. Super job. Write on, and - I'll read on. :>) Regards. wrl	2004-07-18 10:14:40
Wakers	Lynda G Smith	The birds' awakenings are beautifully expressed in this piece, Lynda. You have astounded me with the amount of sound and visuals you have used here. The assonance and alliteration are extensively used throughout, but I especially liked: Their celebration slaps the ale of their bawdy song - [the l's are very effective here] Upon the wooded air - and - Old as time, blackened breasts rosy in the rising sun - [and these b's burst these lines wide open] And songs as brackish as the rasping marsh - [and the short a's of these lines echo the bird calls] They sprang from. A wonderful and talented piece of writing. I will not attempt to [read cannot] improve it. Regards. wrl	2004-07-18 09:38:27
The Grief of the Return	G. Donald Cribbs	And, I would say, the block is gone. This is one nice poem - such powerful and picturesque similes, and assonance superbly crafted. Outstanding images abound, emotions cry out for attention. What else could a reader desire? The true and slant rhymes of the nicely formed stanzas are well done, too. I see no way I could improve on this one. It should do very well this month, Don. Bravo!	2004-07-16 20:55:44
Oh, Silent Sleep	Jana Buck Hanks	Sad and touching tribute to a lost child beautifully crafted. Started on a light-hearted tone, but I soon realized this was not to continue. Very cleverly done as the line progression draws the reader into the heart-wrenching truth. The colloquial language deviations were another attention getter, too. Nice job. I was distracted by your spelling of "Coca-Cola", and wonder if it might have been intentional. I see nothing else I would touch. Thanks for a nice poem, notwithstanding the sadness of its content. Peace. wrl	2004-07-16 20:46:08
Jing Ye Si (A Quiet Evening) Chinese Translation	G. Donald Cribbs	I cannot evaluate the translation, only the English version of the poem. I think the poem is excellent in its accurate and concise images and emotions they evoke. Is this a creation that you wrote while in China, or a translation of one of their poems? Anyway, I did enjoy it, for I do find the poets of Japan and China very fascinating (read in English, of course) Therefore, I rely totally on the ability of the translators. You appear to have done it very well. Thanks for the "change of pace", Don.	2004-07-15 21:19:59
Hopeful Dreamer	housam majid jarrar	Some very nice imagery and sounds to stimulate the reader's senses. This is an emotional read, and I enjoyed it. I do see a few little technical aspects that require attention (IMHO): The inevitable persuasion of love knocking on my hearts door - ["heart's" would be the possessive version] sliding into the quiet shore of my being to swim through the silent echoes of my doubtfulness in search of the key to my soul. - [a lot of really good "s" alliteration here, but I'd suggest a hyphen to carry this into the next stanza's defining of "soul".] A soul with a hopeful look a soul offering a kingdom of dreams, - [I'm not sure "a soul" needs iteration here.] it searches for a single word, - [How about using "searching" as in "offering" in prior line?] a single most sweet touch. (maybe like this: A soul with a hopeful look offering a kingdom of dreams, searching for a single word - a single sweet touch.) Merely suggestions. It's your poem. Its so preciously enduring to watch, - [Again, "It's" would be the contraction of "it is" needed.] as loneliness slowly dissipates, - [delete comma?] away from a past that forever should not reveal itsel,f - [typo] nor should it taint what priceless - [Maybe replace "what" with "that"??] cargo I come to expect, A boatload of happiness - [Why the "A" capital here?] and a straw to drink it all up. [Nice image] I hope these suggestions are helpful. If not, simply ignore them. Peace. wrl	2004-07-15 20:36:42
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