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This Poem was Submitted By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-03-09 16:18:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Once

once we playdancesing above the surface of the earth our names plastered on every little thing what should we call ______? eyes downcast on all we cataloged and surveyed once we stayed too long and pranced day by day wearing into our groove a new park or parking lot in which to play with our brand new cliches a point to prove the lowly thought they were entitled to the provenance of dead and kings and demonstrating teenage demagogues say all sorts of things we have heard before we hear no thanks that fills in the blanks when we were once also proud to ignore never a wonder, wish or why or land on the ground for a different view on this grid because we could- we did! - begin as we played around, breaking sound with what we think is a tattoo is only trailers in the sky they blow away in the high - wind

Additional Notes:
Posted pre-crash, I thought I would try again to see what you folks think. More ruminations on modern human life.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-10 21:25:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.71429
Hi Regis--this is light, airy, imaginative, very much like a dream/fairtale. I think everything is very 'off the top'--but what I would change is in the first line: play/dance/sing or even better, past tense, played/danced/sang. The 'Once' indicates a past tense scene to me--how 'bout you? Little rhymes swing me from one line to the next, my ear anticipating some light appetizer. You say: posted pre-crash. Did you write this--then crash--then post--and post again.? You have to draw me a picture--laugh's on me-- Marcia McCaslin

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-03-10 13:24:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.10000
Reeg- Sorry to hear that you've had such bad luck with the server crash. Very frustrating, I know. Hang in there, however, it's worth it... I'm grappling with this, trying to get my arms around it, trying to mine the ore. So pardon my meddling, my revisions are for me, to help me understand what it is you are trying to say... once we playdancesing above the surface of the earth [with] our names plastered on every little thing: what should we call THAT? [with] eyes [gazing down?] on all we cataloged and surveyed - once we stayed too long and pranced, day by day, wearing into our groove a new park or parking lot in which to play with our brand new cliches a point to prove - the lowly thought they were entitled to the provenance of the dead and kings and demonstrating teenage demagogues say all sorts of things we have heard before we hear no thanks that fill the blanks we were once too proud to ignore, never a wonder, a wish or why, nor land on the ground for a different view on [of?] this grid because we could- we did! - begin as we played around, [we broke fresh ground?] with what [we thought were] tattoos [? not sure of this metaphor], but [were] only trailers in the sky blown away in [any] high - wind The piece was difficult to follow for three reasons. I would pay attention to punctuation here, it's important to stop the reader's eye, and there are a couple of phrases that one could take a couple of different ways, with vastly different meanings; secondly, consistent use of verb tense - you seemed to drift from past to present and I wasn't sure of where we were at times; third, a couple of the metaphors were unclear to me. Finally, the concepts of "Once" as in "Once upon a time" or "Once long ago" or "Once we were young and ..." all lead to different places. I am still not sure, even after re-reading this several times, what you were trying to say about "Once." My reconstruction of it turned it into my version of a "Once" poem, but I'm not sure if that was your intent. So I apologize for taking it apart and turning it into something you didn't intend. But that's reading another's work and doing some interpretive work on it. It feels like you're trying to make a statement about the past and the changes we undergo as we mature, about what seemed important then doesn't now. That all that hype is just a cloud that some windy storm blew away. I'd agree with you! Thanks for posting. tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-10 12:39:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.14286
Hi Reeg, I found this to be an excellent piece of writing. I have read it several times but there are phrases that didn't quite click in my feeble mind at first. But then I read it as little kids or teenagers speaking and it all became clear to me. I smiled at "names plastered on every little thing"...so indicitive of kids and I should say many adults, in our society. It seems we have to 'post' it somewhere before we can make sense of our thoughts or ideas...or we need affirmation. The occasional rhyming just adds more mystic to the words and also gives the words flow from one line to the other. I am especially fond of "because we could we did" some people get over just doing things for whatever reason and some never do..just a level of maturaity. This poem is quite different however, it is compelling and deserves to be read several times. Peace...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-09 18:38:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.58333
I believe I critiqued the one before, too. Wasn't it with a different title? Anyway, I like it - still. It has the imagery that carries a reader along. The rhythm is great, as are the rhymes and alliteration. The vapor trail metaphor is superb, explaining the simplicity, and also the complexities and brevity of life, its pleasures and little quirks. The following lines did make me pause and attempt to understand what was going on here: the lowly thought they were entitled - [Is this "entitled" supposedly connected to the "to" on the next line?] to the provenance of dead and kings - [I doesn't appear to be, being separated like that.] and demonstrating teenage demagogues - [If so, then how about a semi-colon, or a period to follow it?] Maybe I'll feel foolish after this is wxplained to me. Other than that, I see no problems here. My regards on another fine piece, Reeg. wl

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