This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-03-23 06:44:10 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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You didn’t

Let me down by mail Silence your raw heart Tremble privately Hide your vital storm You didn’t  Say a thing untrue Love me any less Feign to understand Lay your trust aside No, you didn’t Tell me not to tell Run too far away Ask things I can’t give Moan, as if I don’t More, you didn’t Sleep a lot last night Pray without your faith Say what you don’t feel Feel what you don’t say So you didn’t See you as I see Love the you I love Close that chamber door,  door into the world,   world within your heart,    heart of all my dreams: No. You didn’t.
Copyright © March 2004 Mark Andrew Hislop

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-04-07 23:52:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.96875
Mark: It is so close to the end of the contest period, when I won't have a chance to comment on this. It is an amazing poem that I've read many times over wanting to frame a response - but I get caught up in its philosophical and emotional tone. I am simply stunned. "Let me down by mail Silence your raw heart Tremble privately Hide your vital storm You didn’t" The negations between each stanza are so effective in portrayal of the irony of intimate relationship! We know or sense the contradictions in the other and ourselves, and these bring us closer but drive us apart. I've missed seeing your work here for quite a while - and it is wonderful to hear your poetic voice once more. Beautiful and raw. All my best, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-03-31 15:43:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Andrew: This is the first of your poems I've encountered; of late, I've been unable to spend much time at TPL. I like your title and the manner in which it is reiterated in singular lines between stanzas. Albeit a negative sound, "you didn't" becomes an affirmation of poet's love for another. Perfectly metered free verse is a lovely form for my tastes and you eschew punctuation which proves unneeded as one reads the poem. Poet employs a number of devices such as assonance, alliteration, etc., but I rarely point to any particular device as I review a poem. Your title begins the first line: "Let me down by mail Silence your raw heart Tremble privately Hide your vital storm" Assets recounted limn a person who shares from her heart and does not lock out poet from whatever passion/trauma experienced. I especially like the phrase..."You didn't let me down by mail." Stanza 2 tells the reader that sig other is honest and trusting and has few pretensions. Plus the major fact that she didn't love poet any less no matter what occurred. The continued insertion of your title, with added words at times, works quite effectively. "Tell me not to tell Run too far away Ask things I can't give Moan, as if I don't." Nice assonance with the long O sound in line four: moan/don't. It sounds mournful in a way (don't ask why). The partner who is subject of this paean is a terrific person...as in avoids requesting things beyond poet's means or making a passive snuffle about it. The anagram for Stanza 3 is TRAM which is striking in view of the line: "run too far away." I especially like the contrapuntal play of the last two lines in S 4. Again, this reader senses a trauma in the other's life...losing sleep, praying with fidelity. I haven't forgotten "raw heart" of S 1. The ending stanza changes from quatrain, beginning "See you as I see Love the you I love" which makes the point of our inability to see ourselves as others do and in this case, with the eyes of love. Continuing Close the chamber door, door into the world, world within your heart, heart of all my dreams. No. You didn't." Lovely play with the words, the last becoming the first, etc. Very rhythmic. In fact, the entire poem could easily be a song lyric. I particularly like the use of "chamber" as you are writing of the heart. And from the heart, in my opinion, as I find the piece evocative in toto. Your poem is deceptively simple-seeming until the reader truly concentrates not merely on the words but the intricate and exquisite way they are laid out. I think your poem is charming and shows the depths of love a human can feel for another. I am reminded of Poe's "we loved with a love which was more than a love" or something close to that. (I know Poe is a pariah among the literati but he could turn a phrase.) I offer kudos on your penning of this piece and wish you well. No changes recommended. Best ever, Mell Morris
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-25 16:40:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Hi Mark, With just a few tight lines you have managed to paint a beautiful picture of the love one person feels for another. Some of my favorite phrases...'hide your vital storm' no matter what you thought she allowed you to see the tempest inside her...lovers or married people often do not let their feelings show that blatanly but rather tend to hide some part of themselves....'feign to understand...lay your trust aside' such lovely words that show compassion from a loved one...,'say what you don't feel...feel what you don't say' this can be a complex part of love as often we do say what we don't feel or mean or we hold back and don't say what really is on our minds...in my case I never wanted to hurt anyone so I often held back...now I know this is wrong...'door into the world...world within your heart..heart of all my dreams'...a soft and sweet ending to a poem which is just that. I am a hopeless romantic and these types of poems always make me feel good and just a little wistful...thanks for giving us this one. Peace....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-25 08:20:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.39024
Well structured, easy word flow filled with emotions that are certainly a part of many relationships, good strong title as well......poet this is such an easy read and by that I mean the words just flow, the reader is not venturing off to the side or bored with it......a well put together poem for which I have no offers of suggestions. Thank you for posting and sharing with us. be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-24 20:36:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56579
This is a well constructed "list" of what a relationship consists, so filled with emotion that the reader cannot put the"book" down. I was going to critique this earlier, but decided to sleep on it and come back today. I really got a lot from this, and cannot suggest much to improve on it - if any. The only possible suggestion I'd make [and it's only that - a slight suggestion] is that without any commas [except at the very end] the reader attempts, I think, to try to make the lines bind together, kind of destroying the intention of the so-called "list". I'm not at all sure the commas would work either, but maybe a colon after each single line's "didn't" to help the reader identify immediately, that these are "lists" of individual actions or inactions. See you as I see - [Is this line supposed to end with another "you", or is it implied?] or... should it be similar to the following line in form: "See the you I see/Love the you I love" I like the finality in the close with the periods to emphasize it even more. Very good job, Mark. Best wishes, and write on. wl
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