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This Poem was Submitted By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-09 02:21:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Baby In The Grey Cloud

She took life tentatively by one hand, gulped a little bit of air, and yawned back into the abandoned grey cloud. Stars noticed the scrap of her and broke heaven’s confidence. They whispered her destiny into unbelieving ears. Greatness awaited. But how could this be? Dust did not inherit greatness, and ashes did not attract gold. The voices persisted. Soon, hot streets lapped at her heels as she hurried after the vision. Dirty shop windows revealed her development. Her body was built for the dance and her voice was built for the music. Her message went to the child on the street, whose desperate hunger she still felt in the marrow of her bones. Heaven has a way with its chosen. Young people forced their feet into her slipper and sighed as her princes galloped in. Her smile stretched around the globe, but tears dampened the dreaming pillow and her cries took Heaven aback. Why had her mother never stepped forward to claim her? She had to be out there somewhere. Was she still feverishly, futilely searching every last, fleeting, grey l c o u d ?

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-05-05 12:35:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81250
Hi Marcia, Here I am again. I could not let this one get by it. It brings tears to my eyes everytime I read it. Your gift is so obvious here and I just really want to thank you for writing this. The personification is brilliant and the development is outstanding. The use of free verse here is perfect and the flow when reading loud is more then we could hope for. Each new stanza presents a fresh new way of thinking about it. Such great imagry! My fav part is: "Greatness awaited. But how could this be? Dust did not inherit greatness, and ashes did not attract gold." The artfull cloud thing at the end adds to the visual. Thanks so much for posting this,it's my fav of yours this month! Blessings Jennfier

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-05-03 17:39:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
Hi Marcia, This is a significant topic that should awaken people especally the women. THis issue rampant nowadays, sad to note. Your poem is expressed in a very figurative manner but the essence is very clear. THat is the strong point of the poem. The metaphor is powerful. You've created a concrete visual here. Readers see it very well like in the second stanza: "Stars noticed the scrap of her and broke heaven’s confidence. They whispered her destiny into unbelieving ears." Allits and assonance are also wonderful ingredients in this poem. "Her message went to the child on the street, whose desperate hunger she still felt in the marrow of her bones." Very very sad! The emotion is expressed deeply so that it is felt. Everything is crafted finely. Nothing to suggest here, Marcia. Outstanding piece! THanks for sharing. Kudos! Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-04-15 18:28:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Hi marcia, I like this poem. The title is wonderfully intriguing. The imagery is good, the flow of the poem moves well. I did have a problem with frustration, though, as I have no idea at all about who is the subject of the poem. Perhaps this is a great star, singing and dancing, but nosey me is dying to know "WHO"? I see no need to change what you've written, but perhaps a little additional information would help the reader. Is this you? I really would like to know. As an adopted child, this resonated with me. Rene

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-04-10 15:38:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Hi Marcia, This poem is at the end of my list but I am afraid if I don't comment on it now it may disappear completely! This is such a lovely poem about an abandoned child plus it is so sad that I can hardly bear it...however, have been compelled to read it several times. It is masterfully written...perhaps one of your best. 'yawned back into the abandoned grey cloud' beautiful but melancholy..haunting....'stars noticed the scrap (great!) of her and broke heaven's confidence..they whispered her destiny into unbelieving ears'...I love these lines...'dust did not inherit greatness and ashes did not attract gold'...'hot streets lapped at her heels'...you are so talented and write great metaphores...'dirty shop windows revealed her development...built for dance voice for singing...here I get a perfect sense of this child...'desperate hunger she still felt in the marrow of her bones'..I acutely feel the pathos here. The last two stanzas really got me..as if I wasn't already sorry enough for this child you hit me again with...'her smile stretched around the globe but tears dampened the dreaming pillow'...wonderful..then the dreaded question...'why had her mother never stepped forward to claim her?'...'was she still feverishly, futilely, searching every last fleeting grey... cloud? your use of 'f' sounds is very effective here as they give a lilt to the lines..also I like what you did with 'cloud'...for me it personified the word 'cloud' and gave an even more soft lilt to the ending of this amazing piece. I don't know where this one came from...your own experience or just your fertile imagination but no matter what prompted it the entire poem is wonderful and I am sure everyone that reads it will be glad you shared it with us. Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-09 13:44:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38889
Marcia McC- What an interesting poem! I really liked everything you did until the cloud-formation at the end. A little to maudlin for me. But the whole thing is very well written/thought through and posed. I was wondering what prompted the piece. Someone we'd all know? Or is this a metaphor for something I'm not getting (probably!)? TenseTom

This Poem was Critiqued By: cheryl a kelley On Date: 2004-04-09 10:09:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Marcia This is really beautiful. The langauage and word choices lull the reader with this serene melodic tone. Very nicely done... and yet thiere's a definite sad quality even almost eerie at times. so many great lines it's hard to choose one... one of the best I think, "Dust did not inherit greatness, and ashes did not attract gold." You've got the stanzas and line set perfectly - so that the reader is really affected by the movement. I love this part too, Her smile stretched around the globe, but tears dampened the dreaming pillow and her cries took Heaven aback. The ending surprised me and left me understanding the sadness that was present in the piece right from the beginning. Cheryl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-09 09:42:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Marcia, another gem for us. What a way you have with the metaphor, the personification reaching almost into a metaphysical conceit category. "The voices persisted. Soon, hot streets lapped at her heels as she hurried after the vision. "Dirty shop windows revealed her development. Her body was built for the dance and her voice was built for the music." These were the favorite verses, absolutely beautiful imagery. The only slight [and I emphasize slight] suggestion might be in S3, to change the period after "Greatness awaited." to a semi-colon, and continue without capitalizing "But". Not a big deal, it just seemed to create a kind of hitch in the, otherwise excellent, cadence. Another great, in my opinion, stanza would be: "Her smile stretched around the globe, but tears dampened the dreaming pillow and her cries took Heaven aback." The shape of the cloud was powerful stuff, too. This poem is one powerful statement, and if personal, must have been an emotional release of a magnitude only those who experience it, would know. Super job. Thanks for contributing so much to TPL. Best wishes. wl

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