This Poem was Submitted By: zen sutherland On Date: 2004-04-13 10:54:52 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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with a tranquil passion burning

with a tranquil passion burning in your eyes i watch your soft face through curtain-filtered morning light quieter and more quiet until I notice an unfolding like a flower or a soul expanding within them and I see sheer delicate lines  the same way spider webs are lit by summers backlight –  the lines of the universe that tether you to me or us to us, back and forth stitching my soul to yours it reminds me of a mothers intonation that can be heard by aging children long after that voice is still heard with the mind and not the ear the same way those maternal hands smooth down tousled hair or rumpled clothes these sounds and touches aren’t forgotten exactly but are folded into our feelings of presence and self-worth if i watch so long that time stutters for a moment the film reverses and it draws me down, encloses me softly in your gaze a gaze that surrounds my heart and tickles it too wraps me in layers of moments spent when I cannot see your eyes but know they’re around me with a tranquil passion burning

Copyright © April 2004 zen sutherland

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-05-04 18:37:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44444
This is a great poem full of imagery and eloquent verses. I see this as a love poem, not done in prose, but more with lines that bring a warmth to the piece. The omission of a rhyming scheme doesn't take away any meaning for the reader, but gently describes the love in the writers heart. I'd rather not disect this line by line, I see no changes to be made and I thoroughly enjoyed this as it is. Sincerely, DeniMari

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-05-01 09:59:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Zen... It is dificult for me to find any fault with this offering. I have read it 5 times over the past week and have hesitated commenting on it because of it's simple style, yet image provoking language. You appear to be an artist of many different talents and I could see this poem as part of a book with one of your photos. Insofar as poetics, I am happy to see the freestyle miniscule throughout...the poem flowed well and the stanzas' endings were followed up appropriately with new thoughts on the same theme. This was exquisitely done and I cannot offer any suggestions on how I would change this...I like it as it is and I hope to see it in the top ten for the month. Mick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-16 16:29:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Zen, a beautiful contribution to the difficult genre of love poetry. Excellently structured and image perfect to describe an emotional outpouring with superb dexterity. I see merely 2 minor changes or typos? by summers backlight – [should this be possessive "summer's"?] it reminds me of a mothers intonation - [and he same here, "mother's"?] Other than that, I can only state my total enjoyment of this excellent post. Thanks for arousing my love for love. Wayne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-14 06:42:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44118
zen- ( I want a name like this...) with a tranquil passion burning in your eyes i watch your soft face through curtain-filtered morning light quieter and more quiet <----------need this? [until I notice] an unfolding [another way to say this?] [like] a flower or a soul expanding [need this?] within [them] [ " ] and I see sheer delicate lines [the same way] spider webs are lit [or, "as" ?] by summers backlight – [summer's] the lines of the universe that tether you to me or us to us, [back and forth] [over-used idiom] stitching my soul to yours As you can see, my concern here is not about the message, which is thoughtful and comes from a true sense of love and admiration for your partner, but how you are going to accomplish relating that poetically. I think you can go through your poem and pick out the "commonly" used terms and phrases; ask yourself if there's another way to say what you're saying without saying it in "street terms" There is a nice dreamy relaxed feeling to this morning. Great potential. Thanks tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-04-13 17:20:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
zen: This is the first of your poems I have seen, a lovely free-verse poem replete with poetic devices, too numerous to name. Love poems tend to be too-too or trite or boring for me but your fine imagery gives me a crisp and fresh meaning. Your title is your first line, an oxymoron that I really like, but I am always told it weakens a poem to use the 1st line for the title. So many of the master's poems are so entitled because the printers had to put something at the top. "with a tranquil passion burning in your eyes i watch your soft face through curtain-filtered morning light quieter and more quiet until i notice an unfolding like a flower or a soul expanding within them and i see sheer delicate lines the same way spider webs are lit by summer's backlight the lines of the universe that tether you to me or us to us, back and forth stitching my soul to yours." I do not cut and paste--this is one way I unravel a poem to catch every nuance as I copy the words. Your imagery of two persons in bed, a loving relationship, and poet watches the other's face awaken as does the day. I picture the light in delicate, lacy patterns thru the curtains. "An unfolding like a flower" is a good simile, even better "a soul expanding" and best spider webs backlit by summer's light. The third is especially fresh and crisp. You are tethered to each other and the originality of your phrasing "us to us" and "stitching my soul to yours" is pleasing to the reader. Strong images that appeal to the senses and fully engage the reader. Stanza 2 is an analogy of your love to the voice of a mother which remains in a person's head, shaping his/her life. Sounds and touches "folded into our feelings of presence and self-worth." Simply exquisite writing here. "if i watch so long that time stutters for a moment the film reverses and it draws me down, encloses me softly in your gaze a gaze that surrounds my heart and tickles it too." A bit of playfulness at the end line but the metaphor of time "stuttering" is new and deftly limnned. One cannot speak too earnestly about originality as everything has been written before. My encomium may seem over-done but it is sincere because there is nil new under the sun. When I read fresh descriptors such as these delivered in your poem, I feel renewed myself. "wraps me in layers of moments spent when i cannot see your eyes but know they're around me with a tranquil passion burning." Lovely to bring the poem full circle, ending where you started but with a plethora of love between. This is therefore satisfying to this reader. Small case, little punctuation is great but stay consistent...I am nitpicking the capital I: Stanza 1 twice and Stanza 4 once. Also, Stanza 1, I think you can lose the "and" in line 8 and the "same" in line 9. Your poem shows skill and a knowledge of poetry. I don't delineate each poetic device because we both know where they are but your internal rhymes, alliteration, and assonance are noted as in "forgotton/folded/feelings/self" which sparkle in Stanza 2. The most important aspect of a poem is its theme (love) and the imagery used to bring the message to the reader's senses. (My opinion). As stated, you delight with fresh images in places, in others, you might work on honing them to the polish of your "time stutters" or "spider webs are lit by summers backlight." Your pacing is good; I didn't get bored nor bogged down nor did I race to the end. I feel a delicacy of touch in the lines and the way the poems unreels like your film played in reverse. If you are new, welcome. If I've missed you before, I enjoy your talent and hope you will continue to share it with us. Best wishes, Mell Morris
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-04-13 12:27:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Zen, You are a true poet. A poet is one who carefully observes things around himself/herself (sorry, no bio, no idea whether you're male or female! ;) and then uses the tools of poetry, like carefully crafted imagery and shows the reader exactly what he/she observed. You've done that here. A marvelous poem to read and peel back layers... "until I notice an unfolding/like a flower or a soul expanding," is an excellent example of such a carefully crafted image. How well you describe the moment someone awakes, stirs, or moves in sleep. You convey anticipation, passion (of course) and a special connection with the sleeping person. "and I see sheer delicate lines/the same way spider webs are lit/by summers backlight--/the lines of the universe," is exquisite and astounding. You tie sheer with spider webs, and then the invisible yet tangible lines which connect us and bond us together. Breathtaking! Make sure you correct your punctuation on "by summer's backlight," not "summers backlight." The same with "mother's" not "mothers" in the next stanza. Watch your possessives. I love how you peel this back by a reflection or flashback in your mind to show how a mother's love is similar...there's that connection there, even when she's not around. I see what you're getting at here: that connection felt (the tranquil passion burning) from someone so profoundly that whether they're sleeping before you, or you are far away, you still feel the tug of the cords of connectedness (I am guessing this is something spiritual, or at least something beyond the physical) with that person. A beautifully done picture. Thank you for sharing this one with us. Hope to see more from you on the link! Regards, Don
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