This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-04-20 05:04:59 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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How not to have you Horseback, then a Whisky Mac,
You and Sally, and me.
How the sweat and sun drenched me
And still I didn’t know where
Our love was taking us.
The day ended in thunder
After a downpour of hooves
Washed us up at my ute.
We drove, two or three miles, max;
In between droplets we dashed to the bar.
Inside, you and Sally, and me,
And smiles as wide as a horse’s horizon,
Soaking up smoke and nuts and Whisky Macs,
The liquid signature to an idyll:
It’s been so long since I’ve been back.
Now I’m here again at the door
Which all those incidental turns I took
Took me far away from far before.
Do I open it now or leave in peace
A choice already once declined?
How my love longs to blame you
For my indecision, my tension, for all
The things I am yet to grow to be.
Yet it’s now sky-clear I couldn’t love you more
Then when we rode raindrops down the mountain,
You and Sally, and me. |
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Copyright © April 2004 Mark Andrew Hislop
Additional Notes:
A Whisky Mac is a drink I was introduced to by the "you" in this poem. It's one shot whisky, half a shot of Stones Green Ginger Ale. Nice on cold days.
A ute, for the non-Australians here, is a vehicle with a tray at the back and usually only a driver and front passenger/s seats.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-05-06 11:44:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.58333
Oh! So you are Australian - not a Brit? G'day!
This is a lovely poem- bucolic and rich and wise.
Horseback, then a Whisky Mac,
You and Sally, and me.
How the sweat and sun drenched me
Unless there is a form here of which I am unaware I would suggest
not ending the last two lines with "me." Nice rhythm I can practically hear
the horses hooves clomping.
And still I didn’t know where
Our love was taking us.
The day ended in thunder
After a downpour of hooves
Washed us up at my ute.
Perhaps I have seen to many Picasso Spanish civil War paintings - but I picture
a huge pile of disembodied hoofs here - was that your intention? If so
it is a starting metaphor
We drove, two or three miles, max;
In between droplets we dashed to the bar.
Inside, you and Sally, and me,
And smiles as wide as a horse’s horizon, [wonderful simile]
Soaking up smoke and nuts and Whisky Macs,
The liquid signature to an idyll: [yes yes you phrasemker you]
It’s been so long since I’ve been back.
Now I’m here again at the door
Which all those incidental turns I took
Took me far away from far before. "clever orphan rhyme and great line"
Do I open it now or leave in peace
A choice already once declined?
By the narrator or the "you"? Unclear to me because "declined "is a specific
answer not just the perusal of a choice
How my love longs to blame you
For my indecision, my tension, for all [how uterlly human!}
The things I am yet to grow to be.
Yet it’s now sky-clear I couldn’t love you more
Then when we rode raindrops {beautiful]down the mountain,
You and Sally, and me.
Nice refrain - great ending
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-05-04 19:47:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.64286
Hi Mark,
First, I love the imagery! The last three lines are way good! In the next-to-last line there is a typo (then for than)which is an easy fix.
My favorite lnes seem to be the ones where the imagery has a twist, eg:
"After a downpour of hooves" and "when we rode raindrops down the mountain," and " smiles as wide as a horse’s horizon,". I particularly enjoyed the equine imagery as I'm married to a horseman.
The only place I had to stop and re-read was in stanza 4, with the two "took"s. Maybe "moved" would work in place of the second "Took".
Thanks for the poem Mark,
Rene
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-04-25 22:41:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55172
Mark,
A fine poem here. I enjoyed this one more than "Gone." I think you get a bit deeper here. There's more going on in your layers of meaning and it's more thoroughly complete. Very good work. I really enjoyed the sense of the main character here. I felt the voice and persona throughout the poem. Wonderful!
In response to your feedback, I'd like to offer a simple example of a technique you can use when writing and/or revising a poem. Begin with an idea in the center of a page. Set an egg timer or microwave/oven timer and give yourself 3 to 5 minutes to do this exercise. Once you begin, write absolutely everything that pops in your mind down immediately somewhere on the paper. Don't try to make sense. Don't think too much about where it all goes. Just trust your instincts to write it down and then circle each word as you write it, and connect it (don't think too much) to some other word. Do this until you fill the page or go on the back. Go until the timer stops. Your page should look like a bizarre spiderweb of sorts. When the timer dings, go back to whatever word sticks out to you, that kinda gave you a shot of electricity as you wrote it. It may or may not have anything to do with the first word. Don't worry about that. Now, begin by circling the word over and over again, until a line of poetry using this word begins to formulate in your head. If you're not sure how to get this going, look at the words connected to this one, look at the words around this word. Then, write your first line and go from there.
This process basically helps you to learn how to tap into your subconscious or unconscious mind. That's where the really meaty poetry is. Go there and visit, find your voice there, and keep writing. Let me know how this goes for you. I hope it helps. If not, let me know and I'll give you another technique to try.
Warm regards, and keep writing and sharing your poetry here. Great job on this one, man.
Don
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-21 21:27:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66102
Mark, found an old love "down under"? What to do? Loved the rhythm - yeah, the whole da-- thing. Down to earth reality - the storm, the bar with its smoke and treats, the ute.
Then when we rode raindrops down the mountain, - ["Than when..."? a comparison needs this word, I think.]
Other than that, see ya' on the next go 'round. Loved it. [I'd love to re-unite with an old love like this, but don't tell anyone.] :>)
Wayje
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-20 16:27:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.43902
Something about threesomes that never quite works...
You're right; time to go.
Another interesting piece of art that I'm going to have to chew on for awhile.
I like the negative in the title.
Nice metaphor of riding the rain.
The tension is palpable.
Cleverly constructed. Good story telling.
tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tiffany A. Christian On Date: 2004-04-20 12:37:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi, Mark! Lots of good images here, things to play around with. I like how you put a comma before "and me" as if you are inserting yourself into the trio as an afterthought. And "smiles as wide as a horse's horizon" is just great.
Between you and me, I would axe the last two stanzas. They don't really add any new imagery to the poem; they tell rather than show. They just seem to sum up the narrator's feelings, which doesn't really work for me. Give us the story, and the feelings, through the images and actions of the people in the poem.
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