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This Poem was Submitted By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-04-25 17:20:41 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Learning to Fly

My hands are whirligigs spinning wildly on a windy day in time with the movements of the cyclone of thoughts whirling through my mind I'm searching for the perfect order Had the medicine man not moved me to this I doubt I'd have ever valued physical movement yet his prognosis is the most doubtful liklihood The threat that hangs on me like a wet shirt on a humid day is quickly deteriorating as I struggle free with pieces of the disease falling at my feet I stamp on them deep sixing them before they get me With euphoric therapy of the sweaty kind and my morning mantra messages my spirits are lifted and I am learning to fly.

Additional Notes:
I wrote this as part of the poetry workshop I attended yesterday. I had to choose a photo to write about. I chose one of a seniors exercise class in which a very elderly lady had her arms spread out as she stood there with a huge smile on her face. I obviously wrote it in her point of view. Thanks for your ongoing encouagement.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-05-06 11:33:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Mick, Awesome, I finally get this on the top of my list! This stream of consciousness poem makes this aged reader just wanna close her eyes and feel free as the breeze (I have arthritis-ouch). Love the way you chose the perfect form for this : free verse equals free-flying. Oh, right out of the gate it's nice "W" sounds with whirligigs(I love that word!)/wildly/windy. Assonance is wafting on the breeze as well. In line 3, another option would be "[swirling]in my head". The 'Medicine man'! What an excellent choice of description and it's alliterative as well! In line 6, another option would be "physical [exertion]". Love the simile in S-3. Love everything in s-3. And you wowed us with "my morning mantra messages" a massive allit that sings. My spirits are lifted just reading this fun poem! And that is a cool idea to use a picture to inspire a poem. I just might have to try that one. You have hit a balance here that is fun and serious, Mick. I like that. Please keep writing and blessing us with your charming work.(I do really mean that you know) Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-01 07:47:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16418
Mick- A credible effort, and one that files in and flies as well. I like the stream of consciousness feeling to it, the reality bite, and the position of her attitude at the end, still learning, youthfully. tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-04-28 19:28:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52174
Hi Mick, What a great piece of bringing up the idea of learning to fly! I see the scenario of that elderly lady spreading hands while smiling hugely! How many minutes did she do it? I am just having fun with your poem. Thanks for bringing the joy and the great idea of learning to fly. It speaks of freedom one wishes. I hope I can learn to fly. Why can't people fly? Just a thought! Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-04-27 15:05:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mick: How could we not? Encourage you, I mean. It is in our own best (and selfish) interest, because you supply us with delightful, thoughtful things to read. I read this in one gulp without reading the additional notes the first time. I thought, "Mick is experiencing some great changes!" I was kind of happy with that idea, though I thought I certainly hadn't inferred from your earlier works that this might be 'you' as I've ever met you on the screen. <smile> However, reading your additional notes, it becomes clear that 'this' is not 'you' -- in one sense. I love the respect you give the subject of the poem. I love the humor here, and the real, vivid and effective ways you have shown that we may find ourselves doing something completely unexpected at any time in life. But I want to get back around to my point that this poem is "not you as I've ever met you on the screen." Mell Morris wrote that every poem is a biography. And she is correct. And this poem is biographical. And in it we meet the Mick we know and love for his wit and ability to get us mentally up and moving. My hands are whirligigs spinning wildly on a windy day --fabulous allits here! in time with the movements of the "cyclone" of thoughts --wonderful! whirling through my mind I'm searching for the perfect order Aren't we all? I love this!! I am uncomfortably aware that this portrait could be of me as well as of the "very elderly lady." Had the medicine man not moved me to this I doubt I'd have ever valued physical movement yet his prognosis is the most doubtful (likelihood) <smile - She's an intellectually bright woman, ready to try new things. I love the way you don't talk 'down' as you speak for her. The threat that hangs on me like a wet shirt on a humid day (hot?) is quickly deteriorating as I struggle free with pieces of the disease falling at my feet I stamp on them --my favorite line in this piece!!! deep sixing them before they get me (Yes!) With euphoric therapy of the sweaty kind and my morning mantra messages --terrific allits here, too my spirits are lifted and I am learning to fly. Well, you've lifted my spirits too, with this portrait of a woman who hasn't given up on herself or on life. As she learns to fly, you do so, as well. You tried a bold new experiment at the workshop which is receiving at least one KUDO from poets here, mine! I do not doubt that it will receive many others. You inspire me to go to another workshop, as it has been a year, and I think I need the kind of energy that you display in this splendid offering. Kudos! All my best, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-04-26 13:40:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.43750
Hi Mick, I really enjoyed the images you put forth in this poem. I read a note somewhere that gave me the indication that you favor prose and I know exactly where you are coming from. I just have a couple of suggestions that might help to tighten this piece up a bit. My hands are whirligigs spinning wildly on a windy day - I love this picture in time with the movements of the cyclone of thoughts whirling through my mind I'm searching for the perfect order My hands are whirligigs spinning wildly on a windy day in time with the cyclone of thoughts (swirling or maybe twirling) through my mind - I thought you might get the same whirling motion using I'm searching for the perfect order. a different word here Had the medicine man not moved me to this - maybe you could use a different word besides moved since I doubt I'd have ever valued physical movement -you are using movement in the next line. yet his prognosis is the most doubtful liklihood The threat that hangs on me like a wet shirt on a humid day is quickly deteriorating as I struggle free - I really like this idea. with pieces of the disease falling at my feet I stamp on them deep sixing them before they get me Maybe - with pieces of disease falling at my feet; I stamp of them; deep sixing them before they get me my spirits are lifted and I am learning to fly. I think the ending would be a little more dramatic if you end the sentence at lifted and let "I am learning to fly" stand alone. This is a great visual image and your notes helped to put a face on the person learning to fly. Thanks for posting and write on! Blessings, Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: cheryl a kelley On Date: 2004-04-26 12:45:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
This is a great piece, with wonderful imagery. I love the beginning, "My hands are whirligigs" what a great image - a forgotten childhood word - it sets up the whole poem. You really show skill with combining just enough abstract thought, "pieces of the disease falling at my feet," to get the reader really thinking. And enough concrete imagery,"hangs on me like a wet shirt on a humid day," to keep the piece grounded. This is terrific! Fun to read. I'd love to read you tackle something more ambitious. I'll be looking for your stuff - cheryl

This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-04-25 22:28:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55172
Mick, This one is a good start, a better effort I would say than the one about the whiskey drinking cat. You've got some good work going on here, aliteration is your friend, keep it. I'd cut out every unimportant word when you do a revision (example: change this "My hands are whirligigs spinning wildly on a windy day" to this "My hands whirligigs spinning wildly on a windy day" and try this: "my spirits lifted--I am learning to fly." The idea is to create beats, like meter and rhyme without the meter and rhyme. Free verse is free, but there are ways to provide poetical structure that flesh it out, give it a pulse and make it bleed on the page for the reader.) I have a personal pet peeve with poems that use the title to give away the leap of the last line. You might consider finding some other aspect to bring out about the poem, the persona you created by the woman in the picture instead. Suggestion: "The threat that hangs on me like a wet shirt on a humid day" to The threat hangs on me, a wet shirt on a humid day" I'd like to see a revision of this one when you get a chance to post it here. I hope this helps. My intention here is to offer advice, not discourage you. Please keep writing and putting it out there. Warm regards, Don

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-25 20:50:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.63889
Mick, An enjoyable vision, albeit with a few little pains of aging. I heartily approve of your imagery and the wonderful similes and metaphors, with the assonance and alliterations only adding more pleasure as the reader progresses. Would it be too brash of me to suggest that the rhythm seemed just a wee bit off in S3. A couple minor little changes would, IMO, make the flow more smooth, e.g. The threat that hangs on me like a wet shirt on a humid day - [a beauty of a simile] is quickly deteriorating as I struggle free with pieces of the disease falling at my feet(,) I stamp on them - [simply delete "the" before disease maybe] deep sixing them before they get me - [then add ["...they get (to) me"] and my morning mantra messages my spirits are lifted and I am learning to fly. - [Nice closing couplet, but would it be even stronger with this change: "...and I learn to fly." keeping it in the present tense?] Excellent read, regardless of my nit-picking. :>) Write on, poet. Peace. Wayne

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