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This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-04-30 12:37:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Demon

It is in my stars, and fool I do embrace them Like a trance, I whirl my dervish Heart, barren, barren of passion In the gyre, bringing forth, and bringing forth My one, my only doom. Whirling, My estranged hand up for the count of angels, I turn my back on all good, Embrace those doomed, doomed stars again And offer up my innocence to degradation, Offer myself to be a Faust, to learn all evil As if a doomed and star-crossed saint. God save me, save me From my whirling turn away, Sense my senseless soul and save me From the callous power of my frailty. Cease the wheel, the whirl, the gyre And set me, God, O set me right And forgive these awful stars that I embrace.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-05-05 22:36:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.34483
Hi Mark, This is one interesting piece! I can’t help not to comment! I was attracted by your subjects “stars” and how you viewed them as something “evil”, “influential”, “tempting”, “doomed” and “whirling”. This reminds me of the once beautiful “Lucifer”. Thus, I find title “Demon” appropriately effective! “Like a trance, I whirl my dervish” -- I like the lyrical power of this line! “Sense my senseless soul and save me” --- Another splendid poetry! “From the callous power of my frailty.” --- Skillfully done! Creative words! Overall, I find this piece full of passion and feelings. What I like in this poem is how you reveal your frailty, humility and honesty in such class, natural and poetic approach. These ingredients are very hard to find in TPL. I was blessed by your honest plea to God…I find it inspiring and full of wholehearted surrender for His divine power and love. This piece is so encouraging…soul reaching! Thanks for reaching my attention! I enjoyed and savored every moment of it! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-05-03 21:37:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Hello Mark: The content saturates the boundies of life, as we most know it. The writer acknowlegdes this, and may well be successful in making the reader who believes in the existence of demons shudder. Mark: "Like a trance, I whirl my dervish Heart, barren, barren of passion ..." Len: The word choice equals the poem's setting, splendidly. Mark: "Sense my senseless soul and save me From the callous power of my frailty." Len: The writer here confesses the helpless state of flesh and blood in the face of evil that simply overwhelms a frail man. Mark: "And set me, God, O set me right And forgive these awful stars that I embrace." Len: I've heard of situations where individuals drawn to the world of occult by curiousity, or whatever other reason, are trapped in a black prism, unable to escape. What a unique subject for a poem. Among much more you've shown the versatility of the poem. Congratulations! A fellow poet, Lennard McIntosh

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-01 06:52:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16418
Mark- Round-ish. Whirling. The way you repeat words and sounds works very well here. I shall hang this one up with the others in the gallery. There where the light is low, yet of a glow tall enough to read. Your prayer will be answered. Has been answered. tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-04-30 22:30:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.59459
Mark, Flirting with what is considered evil, dangerous or reckless is certainly a risky business. Here you go back and forth between asking God to help you struggle with these feelings (or the main character if this isn't a personal account)of temptation, and deciding to take the plunge, the bait, the hook line and sinker. I'm not sure the repetitive phrases work for me. (Geez that sounded too American Idolesque!) I'm not feelin it dawg! Heh heh... guess you had to be there... perhaps not so many in such a short space of stanzas. try keeping only those that are critical, and see if you can edit the rest, or rewrite in those places? If I'm wrong here, obviously, take what you like and what is helpful and leave the rest. An interesting topic to reflect upon here with this poem. As a reader I want you to go further, go farther along the thesis here and carry it out to the end, see where else this goes. Is there more than the enticement, the temptation, the helpless begging God to help you out? I think there's more here...if you keep digging, you might find gold. This is a great start to a great poem. I'd like to see where it goes from here. Hope this helps! Regards, Don

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-04-30 16:33:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16667
MAH, I should have read this in bed. I wanted to pull the covers over my head. I think i recognize this terrain. The forked road from Eden's gate. The geography may vary fork to fork, but the same turkey's being carved. That's one view. The other is . . . well, you know, you got God in there. I almost thought i was looking into a poetic mirror. This is not up to the other recent one. Sorry. But then again, maybe there's something subtle here regarding syllable count or something technical going on, which is beyond me. I'm not very subtle. :) MSS

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-04-30 16:05:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93548
Mark: You MUST remember to reply to me for postings at the end of the month get forgotten. It takes me such time and effort to review a piece so bear with my irracible self! "Demon" is excellent but a true melancholia that one must struggle to deny the devil his soul. Said devil has never wanted me so you must possess many wondrous qualities that both God and Satan want you. It is written in the stars, and fool I do embrace them Like a trance, I whirl my dervish Heart, barren, barren of passion In the gyre, bringing forth and bringing forth My one, my only doom. The first stanza is brilliant and leaves me dizzy after all the repeated spinning. The reiteration in lines 4 and 5 are affective to me. How truly sad to have a barren heart and now you tell us why the devil wants you. With barren heart, you are wide-armed vulnerable for attack. Your stanza also limned a picture for me of all the monks in trance, whirling as you as well because it is written in your destiny of stars. Doom is a powerful word with which to end your 1st stanza. Stanza 2 finds you still in spiral motion, your "estranged hand" up for angels but you turn your back on good. I especially like the estranged hand as that is unique and original. And there once more, you opt for evil and doom, willing to exchange your innocence for degradation and loss of salvation. You are wicked deep and this 2nd stanza has me wanting to converse seriously with poet to de-marginalize his thinking, his accepting of fate. Ah, such liquid lightning you pen, Mark! God save me, save me From my whirling turn away, Sense my senseless soul and save me From the callous power of my frailty. Cease the wheel, the whirl, the gyre And set me, God, Oh set me right And forgive those awful stars that I embrace. Ah the epiphany that poet sees the light and turns to God for help in getting off the merry-go-round. Redemption is yours, once you ask in sixteen words of susurration. Wisps of prayer to God. A fine ending so the readers can relax and quit holding their collective breath. (I have been leaning forward, on the edge of my chair). You must really be special in that you not only ask God to help you but also to forgive "those awful stars". That shows more generosity of spirit than I have! I would like the ending much more if it closed with: "Oh, set me right." For me, that has much more eclat than those hideous stars. Mark, if I didn't know better, I would swear I'm reading Blake. I don't know if you even care for him as poet but every nuance between the lines shouted Blake to me. That is, of course, high acclaim but your poem is polished and accomplished. I think you could easily get it published, especially in the many, many publications that want spiritual poetry. Anyway, be sure and let me know if I am way off kilter from your intended import and congratulations on the composition of this startling poem. Best wishes, Mell Morris

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