This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-05-01 23:57:40 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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The deep divide It’s potentially amusing,
the breakdown
you find you share
with millions of others who
submerge
their banal dysfunctions
in their grocery
shopping
standing and waiting.
Is that a bandage you’re wearing
too?
Your wife took 62%
of your memories
and still she wails with
your wound
she doesn’t notice she carries
in to bathe
her children,
yours.
Smile about it
and troll
the dating queues
you’ll never find her again,
all you ever wanted,
wanted, had and lost
in a half-generation snap.
I know you're still
there
Rub the panel
off this
dull suburban
lottery of love gold
Come into my coma
before
I lose myself
for once and
for all. |
|
Copyright © May 2004 Mark Andrew Hislop
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-06-02 18:03:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I like the wandering physical characterization given by the spacing. It lends itself to the subject quite well. Loss cuts deep when we are attached to things. This poem has brought up for me thoughts of my own relationships past and present, along with my own attitude towards them.
I also see in this poem the extreme feelings that come with attachments to things and people. It's seen in the laughter pointed out at the beginning of the work that I am sure you don't feel, but something must stem the tide of negative feelings which I am sure are overwhelming.
I am always cautioned against these attachments by my wisest counselors, and yet manage to ignore consistently to my peril. I don't mean not caring, but not having expectations of things and people- not be attached to circumstances. I certainly am not trying to be insensitive, but rather to show a way out of this. This could have been written years before now, and all I am saying could be old news, but it's what it brought up for me, and clearly that's a good poem that can do this. I also grieve a bit for the loss of my spiritual emphasis in my life, so I guess that's an interesting thing to think about in the context of someone else's loss.
This line is excellent:
Rub the panel
off this
dull suburban
lottery of love gold
Great emotional work.
Thanks,
REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-05-31 12:17:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.59091
Hi Mark,
This poem finally made it back on my list....you told me your life was a mess...but
added 'that is a good thing'...this is a doleful piece but a compelling read. Standing
in line at the grocery store...are their others that wear that same bandage? Others who
have lost their love/marriage...who are suffering as bad as me? She took 62% of your
memories and she bathes the children...gut wrenching words to me. A divorce or breakup
is like your mate dying, only worse. When they die they do not leave you for someone
new, or leave because they don't love you anymore...and they are not 'out there' looking
for a new love. So then you ponder and wonder if you should just smile and join the
dating scene. I tried that, several times, after my husband passed away but never found
what I was looking for. We will never find 'them' again no matter how hard we
try but I am sure there is someone waiting just for you....I know that is true but I
never found 'the one' probably because I didn't look too hard. 'Come into my coma before
I lose myself for once and for all'..this is my favorite line even tho it jarred me...I
am assuming because I too have been in that coma...a very lonely place. This is an
exceptional piece written from the heart...where, in my opinion, all good poetry comes from.
Peace....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Morales On Date: 2004-05-26 21:33:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Don’t care much for the style, but I absolutely love the language. Your use of liquids [L] is what makes the piece work so well, such as in “lottery of love gold.” In stark contrast, the next line, “Come into my coma,” is remarkable in that it forced this reader to shift tone without loosing focus, which is oftentimes difficult to accomplish in love/hate poetry; never the less, you have mastered it well. The ending is perfect.
If I were to make any suggestions—and you need to know I’m looking deep, because this really is a good piece—I would suggest another word in place of “panel.” Not sure which word, but I definitely stumbled here in search of meaning. But don’t change the rubbing idea; it’s extremely middle class sensual—in a luuuuv gold kinda way.
Best,
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-05-14 11:40:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
The deep divide
yes
It’s potentially amusing,
the breakdown
[well, yea, in an ironic way i suppose]
you find you share
with millions of others who
submerge
their banal dysfunctions
in their grocery
shopping
standing and waiting.
Is that a bandage you’re wearing
too? [great}
{Yes, We are victims, all of us, in one way or another. I will never feel quite as impatient, holding my melting Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream, as I stand behind someone in the fast lane with fifty items, perusing coupons...Well, I hope I won't.]
Your wife took 62%
of your memories
and still she wails with
your wound
Well, it also hurts to stuff it all in with 100 % of her own [that is
a masterful metaphor, Mark]
she doesn’t notice she carries
in to bathe
her children,
yours.
yes that is the worst of it
Smile about it
and troll
the dating queues
you’ll never find her again,
{But the wonderful thing about the human spirt is that people keep looking - not for that person but for that feeling of hope in that person I think]
all you ever wanted,
wanted, had and lost
in a half-generation snap.
[masterful use of language]
I know you're still
there
Rub the panel
off this
dull suburban
lottery of [love gold] not sure that this phrase is strong enough - what is the name for fool's gold?
Come into my coma
[I would kill to have written that line]
before
I lose myself
for once and
for all.
Amazing poem Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jillian K Sorenson On Date: 2004-05-12 00:12:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This is a very dark poem, but very true. I love the way the poem moves down the page as if things are missing, as if the protaganist is losing words and time through writing the poem down. It is potentially amusing, however we know that though the potential is there, it just isn't funny. The pain is the same though it is shared with millions. Interesting corollary that grocery shopping would be an escape. I like how this poem does not place blame on either party, merely tells the event and its consequences in imagery filled simplicity. It's a very forlorn piece however, absent of all hope, dating itself is a drudgery. I feel as if I'm intruding on a very personal plea. This is a quality piece, really, I have no suggestions, except for the fact that I don't know what a "half-generation" is, and so it may have no meaning to readers like myself, perhaps an equally dramatic time metaphor would be in order. Excellent job.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-05-09 00:38:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mark--Well, here you're calling a spade a spade, and after a few readings through, I'm starting
to "get it".
It’s potentially amusing,
the breakdown
you find you share
with millions of others who
submerge
their banal dysfunctions
in their grocery
shopping
standing and waiting.
Is that a bandage you’re wearing
too?
Actually, I don't wear my bandage anymore because I've had time to heal, but I certainly remember
what it was like and I, too, like you, recognize the wound. This is like having what used to be
called "second sight"--seeing the concerns of people you are standing in line with at the store.
Your wife took 62%
of your memories
and still she wails with
your wound
she doesn’t notice she carries
in to bathe
her children,
yours.
Gosh, this is such a commonality--it's like every wife took 62%. I hear it all the time, but
the "real" story is more tragic than that, whether she took it or he took it.
Smile about it
and troll
the dating queues
you’ll never find her again,
all you ever wanted,
wanted, had and lost
in a half-generation snap.
Smile about it? Might as well--both sides. Troll the dating queues? I've trolled the lake, but
this must be similar. You just pass through an area and see what you hook.
No he won't find her again. Maybe it's a good thing--maybe it's bad, it's just a fact of life.
Everybody's got to face it, sooner or later. In a half-generation snap? Is that akin to a "cold snap"?
Never mind. About 10 years, right?
I know you're still
there
Rub the panel
off this
dull suburban
lottery of love gold
Come into my coma
before
I lose myself
for once and
for all.
What? There's no come-back? But he's listening, right? You know he is--there's just no comeback.
You're inviting him into your coma, before you lose yourself once and for all.
Good insight into human nature--that always draws me. Good story telling. The lottery of love.
Guess it is. Thanks for tickling me into my past. Marcia
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-06 23:58:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
the way it moves along the page, dancing, trying to decide which side of the church to sit on.
which side of the body to drive in the knife.
veteran
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