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This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-05-07 21:31:52 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Heaven on earth

Not often enough it grabs your balls and then you feel the true pain of seeing stars and what they really mean. So fall down, fuck you, get welded into the image. Don't flatter from above saying "how lovely!" when it's finally time to drop your dacks and take the piss. I will deny my words no more. I will strip the bastards and rape them rip them of their shrink- wrapped transparent prophylactic that keeps out this opaque world. This world must infect me, there is no more room for fear. Henceforth I will fuck my fear without reservation.

Additional Notes:
"Dacks" is an Australian term for trousers

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-05-30 17:16:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.37500
I read it, but cannot suggest a thing. Score - be damned. It was another interesting read from your "pen", though.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Anne Korb On Date: 2004-05-28 22:52:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
A true declaration of war! Mark, were you angry? One can read a good many things into this poem, but it really comes down to "I will fuck my fear"......and live my life. "This world must infect me/there is no more room for fear" ....I think I like your declaration and I think perhaps I might just be a bit afraid to make any correction....lol

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-05-25 15:44:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Mark: You have me flummoxed here; how does one go about interpreting this glib, in-the-moment piece when it is so far removed from my life? I find it intriguing and although I will likely miss the intent by miles, I hope you will share your import. "Heaven on earth" is something decidedly special so your theme is about happiness and feeling good, as they say in the smart set. My take is that your poem is a paean to sex without unnatural interference with the pleasure. Or a praise of sex without the prophylactics. Not often enough it grabs your balls and then you feel the true pain of seeing stars and what they really mean. Men have told me that gonad grabbing is quite painful but here it is an affirmative experience, one that occurs without frequency but causes the poet to see stars and understand them. That is one helluva orgasm. So fall down, fuck you, get welded into the image. Don't flatter from above saying "how lovely" when it's finally time to drop your dacks and take the piss. Thanks for the explanation of dacks. I've not heard the word before. The language gets stronger in the second stanza and it is clear that poet is obnoxed and irritated with the other person in the sexual congress. Stop fooling around and get with the effing program is what I hear being said. Anger is strong in every line of the poem. Poet/speaker is vowing to behave in a certain manner, defiant of the safe-sex rules, and he has allowed the behavior of the times to rouse his wrath. (By the bye, I never assume poet/speaker is the actual narrator or writing his own view in a poem). One phrase in this stanza is of particular appeal: "Get welded into the image." I will deny my words no more. ...Nice use of litotes... I will strip the bastards and rape them rip them of their shrink- wrapped transparent prophylactic that keeps out this opaque world. The world must infect me, there is no more room for fear. The longer I read and reread, the more certain I feel that this wresting of the rubbers is symbolic. Of what, I'm unsure. Perhaps those who cloak their true identity? Those who remain closeted? I think the speaker expresses his frustration with the situation of disease transmittal and the manner in which it is being treated. "There is no more room for fear" is quite strong and poignant. Henceforth I will fuck my fear without reservation. The closing stanza says to me that speaker in future will act spontaneously and not bother with preparation or advance armming, if you will. This disease has been such a killer to so many grand people and I relate to speaker's cynical attitude as he has likely lost close ones to the illness. Ergo, I assume the poem is TIC, an irony, a use of hyperbole to shine the light on the problem. I hope this is so and not the risky business speaker avows. However, since I have likely misinterpreted the intent here (a major embarrassment), the poet may be discussing congering or eeling. In any event, I enjoyed the poem as I do all your poems I've seen. This is raw, to the point, no dallying with poetics...just state the message of apparent importance to the poet. This is a brave piece so I salute you and offer "Bravo!" Do take care. Best wishes, Mell

This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-05-11 09:14:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
MAH, I can see the impact John Forbes is having on you with this one. A much more rugged, edgier piece than your usual stuff. It's good to branch out and stretch to find the boundaries, or what's beyond. I think you've climbed the fencepost, flung yourself over, and have hiked a field or two beyond here. That's great. Your tone and language work well here. Even the swearing works. Just make sure that it's intent is right, and not just a cop out or an easy fill in when you use them. Don't let the cursing replace true language here. But, honestly, what you've done here works very well. The image of "screw the world and rape it" was pretty intense stuff for me. Very strong in your writing with that one. I liked the colloquialism of "dacks"...nice! Yes, and men "piss" so you've got the right use there. I have a poem I'll put up here eventually called, "Worms in the Summer Grass" where the main character is a four year old boy. He uses the word pee. For him, it works, but for you, piss is the right word. Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm enjoying the growth journey you are taking here with Forbes' influence. Keep it up and write some more, damnit! Don

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-05-09 20:30:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Heaven on earth [heh heh] Not often enough it grabs your balls and then you feel the true pain of seeing stars and what they really mean. yep yep ... well, clearly, not literally -- but i know what u mean So fall down, fuck you, get welded into the image. okay, okay Don't flatter from above saying "how lovely!" when it's finally time to drop your dacks and take the piss. okay....but don't look up I will deny my words no more. I will strip the bastards and rape them rip them of their shrink- wrapped transparent prophylactic oh! before the enjambment, of course, i read "rip them of their shrink" which would have been more really painful for some neurotics I know - their shrink him/herself being a super trans-parent prophylactic that keeps out this opaque world. This world must infect me, there is no more room for fear. Henceforth I will fuck my fear without reservation. you go mate~! [powerful stuff Mark]

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-08 21:38:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
"Dacks" is an Australian term for trousers "fuck" is an American term for Australians who can't speak English. : : : : (that's an entire tribe, watching from the bush)

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