This Poem was Submitted By: Edwin John Krizek On Date: 2004-06-15 19:04:02 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Homesick So far away from home,
so long gone,
this strange place
is now familiar.
My memory lingers
on the streets
of the past
linked to the presen
by struggling coincidences.
When I left
I didn’t realize
it was
forever.
Now I live
in relative happiness,
but still
I wish…
Why can’t my circumstances
be different?
Why can’t
all those I love
be with me?
I feel the pain
of my loneliness
in the center of my soul.
It calls to me
until
I am ready
to cry out
with the agony
of separation
the way
wolves howl at the moon
calling to the lost.
I love two lovers.
I have chosen,
but still
my wounds open
at the sound
of the telephone.
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Copyright © June 2004 Edwin John Krizek
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-07-02 10:53:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.08333
Ed,
I'd say, having read many of yours, that your talent lies more in what Keat's called a "negative sensibility." You do well in entering into the experience of another character and describing it. When you get more lyrical with the I and me, i think your poetry falls off a bit.
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-06-27 21:48:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72222
Hi Ed,
I am quite taken with this poem...reminds me of when I was married at 18 years of age
and left home for the first time. I went from Wyoming to Kentucky which was a whole new
world for me...so different than I had ever known. I feel the pathos in the lines of
this piece...some lines are full of melancholy words...'away from home...long gone...
memory lingers on the streets of the past (great line)...I didn't realize it was forever'
I can almost hear he poet's voice break in that line. 'Why can't all those I love be with
me?' I have felt this emotions so many times in my life....'I feel the pain of my
lonliness in the center of my soul'...here I feel some agony...then the ending surprised
me so I went back and read it again. The poet loves two people but he has made his
choice....perhaps a choice between mother and wife...or wife and a lover..or a second
wife over your own children. No matter really, it is obvious that this poet is longing for
somthing that cannot be and will always hunger for home.
Very well done.
Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2004-06-20 21:30:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Edwin,
You have certainly expressed the feeling of being "homesick' in a most moving manner. I can't help but wonder who the 'two lovers' you have are...however, you have left it undisclosed, as to allow the reader to interpret for himself/herself...perhaps you left one lover for another, or perhaps you left your lover for your love of someting else...either way, you leave the door open to your past as indicated by, "I have chosen,
but still
my wounds open
at the sound
of the telephone."
I especially like these lines, as they solicit much emotion from this reader:
"I am ready
to cry out
with the agony
of separation
the way
wolves howl at the moon
calling to the lost."
Thanks for sharing,
Beck
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-06-16 14:49:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Edwin:
I'm a fan of your poetry, but this may be the first time I've
commented on one. I say 'comment' because I've just vowed to
write short, pithier critiques to encourage other members to
critique more. As a poet, I know that feedback means so mcuh.
So here's my feedback for you. I really like the way you've
formatted this -- lean, narrow lines, dropping down the page,
almost like tears. There's a very evocative flow to this.
So far away from home,
so long gone,
this strange place
is now familiar.
My memory lingers --love the soft r's of "familiar/linger"
on the streets
of the past
linked to the (present)
by struggling coincidences.
I think that the phrase "struggling coincidences" aptly depicts a state
of emotions, a kind of tension that enlivens this work. Also, the g's
in "long gone/stange/lingers/struggling" add a deft touch suggesting
effort expended.
When I left
I didn’t realize
it was
forever.
Now I live
in relative happiness,
but still
I wish…
Why can’t my circumstances
be different?
Why can’t
all those I love
be with me?
I feel the pain
of my loneliness
in the center of my soul.
It calls to me
until
I am ready
to cry out
(with the agony
of separation) --
Wild idea= what if you omitted this? In favor of "cry out--the way wolves howl at the moon"
the way
wolves howl at the moon
calling to the lost.
I love two lovers.
I have chosen,
but still
my wounds open --nice assonance of "open/chosen" and "ound" rhymes in "wounds/sound"
at the sound
of the telephone.
Highly evocative piece. You bring the reader into your emotional sphere. It has
been a long time since I've felt the feeling you portray here, and this poem
recalls it for me. Thank you for this!
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-16 13:20:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Sensitive and emotional read, sir. Excellent images, assonance. Nice surprise ending, though slightly hinted at earlier. I'm sure you caught the "presen-" typo [L8] by now.
I wonder, though, if this isn't just a little too staccato-like for this genre or topic. The lines of single words seem to create pauses when I tend to want to rush ahead for more. Maybe that is the intent. One instance is:
I feel the pain
of my loneliness - [I might drop this one "my"??]
in the center of my soul.
It calls to me
until - [...and, I might put this word in the next line to make that phrase more concrete. Just a thought.]
I am ready
to cry out
the way
wolves howl at the moon - [Nice w alliteration and image.]
calling to the lost.
Thanks for posting this - reminding some of us where and what we have been through, are going through. You are not alone, but you say what you are feeling very well.
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