This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-07-01 17:53:29 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Sleepless in Colombo

There’s my bed, a siren Of a streetlight flailed across, vague  And strangely hard for beer’s  Machismo spirit to subdue. French windows, guillotined By a diamond grille, Transfuse night’s dark blood, morphine To this insomniac: it brings No satisfaction. It’s not me that’s high. Some clockwork dog goes off Off, off,  Every bloody hour. My eyes’ canopies flicker Like old men threatening to die Awake, asleep, awake, they’re mindless Or should be. Time for a new lover, that old siren’s  Been working too hard. This time Make sure she’s cold, black Overpowering And utterly forgettable.

Copyright © July 2004 Mark Andrew Hislop

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-08-04 18:07:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
MAH, Fortunately, i've never suffered from sleeplessness: perhaps I don't have a conscience. No - I think i do. I'm not trolling (or trolloping)for sirens. Yeah, that's it. Oh. Splendid poem. I felt like i was there . . . young man. Awake in Philadelphia, MSS

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-08-03 19:18:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Mark, From the utterly romantic to that of love gone astray. I hope this was not the last poem, but rather a prelude to that I just read. But I guess without the pain we would not appreciate the love. Doesn't make it any easier though, does it? Sleepless nights are but one price we may pay for sharing our soul and entrusting it to another..but we keep trying...take care...and never give up.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-07-30 21:07:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mark! Please forgive the inept way I critique, the technicalities of poetry escape me. I would like to tell you what your images say to me. This poem is cold...the coldness of sleepless nights where Ambian is not your best friend. The bed is cast with shadows and the siren of desire is anything but present and her allusiveness touches every nerve in the body (and the reader.) I love the cadence and diction of this poem and the way it is free verse with rhymes here and there. Truthfully, I cannot pick this poem apart and tell you which lines or stanzas I like best...that would be like picking out the eyes of Christ. The whole poem needs to be intact...it is wonderful...the last line says it all....."and utterly forgetable"...but this work is quite the opposite of that! Bright Blessings Jana
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-07-28 16:42:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88000
Hey, Mark! Sounds like a hard night. Nicely done; seems like a flashback, except for the "Colombo". ;>) I loved the many metaphors, very different and creative indeed. What an "un"forgettable ending, too. Superb job, sir. The only change I would even consider possibly making would be to join the last 2 lines of S2. I do not think it would damage the flow, or the thought. In fact, I think it makes that last phrase more emphatic, but it is yours, and this merely something for you to consider - maybe toss in the "round file" [delete]. Excellent post, and rewarding read. Thanks, adn best wishes. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-07-16 17:53:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.20000
Hi Mark, Well...this is a dark poem and a little depressing. It is clear to me that you are disenchanted with someone and even when sleep does come it is constantly disturbed by inner struggles. Who is she that torments you so? 'There's my bed a siren of a streetlight flailed across'...I use he word 'flailed' a lot but I rarely see it used...I like it here. 'Transfused night's dark blood, morphine to this insomniac: it brings no satisfaction' I wrote a poem and posted it here about insomnia. What is more frustrating than being elluded by sleep?...'my eye's canopies flicker'....love this descriptor...canopies... very inventive or should I say poetic? ...'some clockwork dog goes off, off, off, every bloody hour'...anger here added to the frustration...'time for a new lover'..this line tells it all...to me anyway....'make sure she is cold, black(,?) overpowering and utterly forgettable' I have been single for so long that I would run like the wind if anyone tried to get too close to me...I like my independance...but that is not for everyone. So I wish you luck in finding that person that can give you a peaceful sleep. Even tho this piece is dark and somewhat sad it is well done and I am glad I didn't miss the opportunity to comment. Oh yes...I posted 'Beyond the storm' but gave it a new title.. it is now 'Nocturnal fantasy' and I mentioned your name!! Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-07-12 07:10:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
MAH, This is a very fine poem. You have crafted an excellent pattern in your stanza that you repeat and alter to fit the topic of each new stanza, building on the one before. Your language and your diction flow nicely, you have a good use of aliteration, enjambment and endstop. I must confess I'm irked by the ending, but I think it's true to the character in the poem. So, by irking me, I am saying you did your job well as a writer. It's just a bit too sadistic, or pessimistic for me, but again, it's true to the character, so what you have here is right on. Good work, my friend. I haven't seen a lot from you lately. Glad to see some more stuff posted on here. Thanks for sharing it. Warm regards, Don
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-07-05 18:32:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
I’ve never really had trouble sleeping, but after reading this poem I can sympathize better. This poem really places the feelings on the page. So much so, that I can almost feel the inability to sleep myself. My spouse sometimes has trouble getting to sleep. I feel bad and try to wish him to sleep. Gods, I can feel the frustration of laying there, looking around when you’d rather be sleeping. Working on the phrases to describe what you see and feel instead of being allowed to rest. This was my absolutely favorite verse. It just stood made my eyes feel heavy but sore with fatigue. My eyes’ canopies flicker Like old men threatening to die Awake, asleep, awake, they’re mindless Or should be. The ending was perfect. It was an eloquent turn of phrase that encapsulated the longing to sleep. Thank your for sharing this. I hope you get some sleep soon. Kay-Ren
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-07-01 21:34:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Yes. With reversible outerwear. And a grilled smile.
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