This Poem was Submitted By: Jacob W Roberts On Date: 2004-07-06 19:51:22 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Trust Dewy grass greets our bare feet
When we wake with sunrise
While camping near the riverside
I cradle logs summertime has dried
My knees pop your knuckles crack
Circling rocks around a soon-to-be pyre spot
Our axe snap-crack-thuds through dead tree stubs, now firewood
Stars snap through black, moon illuminates our firewood stack
You lay twigs and needles and assure they’re combustible enough
“Strike the match, spark the wood, it is not so tough”
When dawn arrives to kindle our eyes
You’ll point at the blackened dusty coals
And say, “See, I told you so.”
|
|
Copyright © July 2004 Jacob W Roberts
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-07-31 14:08:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Hi Jacob,This piece has lots of alliteration/rhyme and consonance....but the sequences feel strained to this reader. It is like you took a subject and buried it, leaving the tone of the poem shakey instead of flowing.
The cadence is off, try looking at the line placement to pull this piece together. It is not a bad poem, it is just one in need of revision to make it sing. Using enjamed words and end stopped lines makes it easier For example: to read and make more sense of the rhyme.
stars snap through night IMHO, these are just suggestions.
moon illuminates firewood stack
You lay twigs and needles
assured they are combustible
enough. "Strike the match,
spark the wood." It is not
so tough when dawn arrives
to kindle our eyes.
You will point at the dusty
coals and say, "See, I told you so."
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-07-28 15:08:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Re: "Trust"
The writer "sparked" a blaze in this wrinkled old reader, who lives amid the boreal forests
of N.E. Ontario. This has afforded the privilege pointing a canoe to begin a trip more times
than I can hope to recall. Hence, the camp fire smoke that lingers on me. :o)
This poem's narrator insinctively knows that it was good burning wood, and further realized
the importance of a precice kindling. Moreover, the incident was told in a fresh fashion often
characteristic of good poetry. Congratulations!
Len McIntosh
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-07-18 18:59:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ah camping. Something I haven't done in years but I did love it so. I liked the line
the axe-snap-thuds, which gives this poem the visual sounds.
I find that, although the poem is basically sound, it does lack rhythm mainly because ehe
metre is off in the style you chose to write it in. I would suggest that the last two lines
be eliminated or written somehow into the poem. Thanks for submitting.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Molly Johnson On Date: 2004-07-14 16:18:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jacob,
What an amazing sense of sound this piece has. Because of the appearance on the page, my brain wanted to make this a sonnet and before I even got to counting lines your internal rhymes and onomatopoeic (sp) constructs grabbed me. I love that the sounds emulate a crackling fire. Because of the run-on nature of the lines, you might want to re-think the formality of the capitalization. In line eigth, you might want to look at taking "firewood" out. It might be implicit enough. Thanks for the interesting read.
mollyj
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-07-11 17:22:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Jacob,
the minute I began to read this piece I said to myself....ah yes I have done this in just
the very same way...'dewy grass greets our bare feet'...I used to love that feeling when
my husband and I roamed the hills and fished the streams...'when we wake with sunrise'
that is such a refreshed feeling one that cannot be captured in any other setting but in
the outdoors. The smell of the trees and grasses is exquisit...'my knees pop, your
knuckles crack'...I smiled at this..if my husband were still alive and we were still
roaming the hills and mountains in the rockies this would surely be the case! You have
painted a perfect image with your pen of a camp site so much so that I can think back
and remember the snap and crackle of a fire of dried wood and the wonderful aroma that
it emits...'stars snap through black'...love this line. You have given a perfect ending
to your story...is that your wife saying 'I told you so?' Thanks for giving me the
opportunity to sit beside your fire and experience all those wonderful smells and sounds
of the outdoors.
Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-07-08 09:44:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
good structure, enjoyed the 'trust' factor within the lines knowing the morning fire would spark due to the wood gathered and how it was placed.......the images of the fire burst forth along with the smell of smoke that is filling the air around you.......nice job......and good ending in See, I told you so.
Thanks for posting and sharing with us, be safe and God Bless, Claire
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!