This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-07-16 16:54:51 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Nocturnal Fantasy

Beyond the dawn a storm doth form           And love for you my soul shall mourn All night engulfs me now and light is gone           Hence stirring birds shall trill a song Wither must I wander to find you again?           When land be-calmed I drift in vain I look for you in melancholy nooday           Your rune I sing o'er a broomy lea Mourning winds whisper among wobbling trees           And bring pouring showers to billowing seas Ere the crimson rays of day be done           And the storm unfurls o'er slumping sun Erelong I embrace nocturnal fantasy           And stay my lifelong quest for thee

Copyright © July 2004 marilyn terwilleger

Additional Notes:
Mark H. told me how to re-write this into a sonnet but I could not give up some of the words I liked the best! Thanks anyway...Mark...I know I am hopeless!


This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-08-03 14:32:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn: Per your additional notes: re-writes are sometimes difficult, because of two factors. One, it is hard to "kill your darlings", as a famous writer whose name escapes me once advised; Two, as our beloved poet Rick Barnes has written, sometimes a poem just IS. It has an identity and life of its own. Even with these things in mind, my fingers itch to type suggestions for ever so slight changes because though I think the poem is excellent, it is so close to 'perfection' that it calls out for tightening and trimming - at least to this reader. That said, please know I am a fan of your writing. You have a way of reaching into a reader's heart, whether you write with formal diction, as you have here, or free-wheeling free verse. I think that the immensity of the feelings *behind* the writing of this poem ask for a formal container, and also seek the distance of linguistics of an earlier age. I am uncertain if this works completely in this poem, but nevertheless, it moved and moves me. You show us the anguish from which this poem is born; though "she" speaks to us formally, she reveals her heart and soul. The only changes I will suggest, therefore, are ones of spelling or grammar. I won't touch the 'soul' of this piece, for it is a poem of mourning, and as such deserves the reverence with which it is written. Beyond the dawn a storm doth form And love for you my soul shall mourn All night engulfs me now and light is gone Hence stirring birds shall trill a song In the first two couplets, the speaker addresses one who has gone on, passing out of life into that greater life which we cannot witness. It is as if the very light has gone out of her life, and storm clouds and darkness overwhelm her. Still, she hears the trilling of "stirring birds" which suggest that just out of sight and hearing, she senses the presence of her beloved. (Whither) must I wander to find you again? When land (becalmed) I drift in vain I look for you in melancholy (noonday) Your rune I sing o'er a broomy lea Her spirit is restless, as she seeks to find her loved one; though the storm is over, she continues to "drift in vain." She looks for him in full daylight, at noon, and sings to him over the grassland. She sings a poem or mysterious song to him. It is as if in striving to instill her singing with the melancholy she feels, she believes that he surely will hear her. This poem is deeply affecting, for as one who has lost a beloved one to death, I never lose the thought that somehow, contact is possible. Everything reminds me of the loss. Though this poem is formal, its human sorrow is immensely poignant. Mourning winds whisper among wobbling trees And (brings) pouring showers to billowing seas Wonderful play on words, with "mourning" suggesting "morning" as well. The trees are "wobbling" as if weak with anguish. The "pouring showers" are like a heavy rain of endless tears, enough in quantity to fill the "billowing seas." There is a quality in this poem that is like that of dirges sung by widows of those lost at sea. In the watery element one can find comfort and expression. Only the movement of water seems enough to contain the emotional upheaval of the mourner. Ere the crimson rays of day be done And the storm unfurls o'er slumping sun Even the powerful sun is "slumping" with the intensity of this grief. It is overwhelmed by the "storm" of emotions. The very spirit and life of the mourner seems to withdraw into a nighttime reverie, where the beloved may be embraced in imagination's realm: Erelong I embrace nocturnal fantasy And stay my lifelong quest for thee This poem demonstrates that intense grief creates a "lifelong" yearning in the mourner to once again embrace the one who has gone. The quest will not end, you show us powerfully, though days come and go, storms rage and calm. Beautifully and delicately written, with an air of timelessness. Kudos! Peace to you, Joanne


This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-08-03 00:30:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.89474
Marilyn, Sonnet or no, this is a beautiful gift of love from the heart. Once in a lifetime, there is that one person that entwines within our soul and never really goes away. Thank God for the gift of memory, that allows us to re-experience the lost touches and gentle whispers that surround our pillows each night. Just a note to say this is a lovely read.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-07-30 20:46:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Wow Marilyn!!! What rhymes, near rhymes, slant rhymes...and all kinds of rhymes!! This is such a neat poem, the alliteration and consonance are wonderful. I feel as though I should don my sworping dress and get me to the widow's walk....to look for my love! (even though this piece is not about the sea!!)(grinning) I am not the greatest critic and definately cannot critique technically....but I really think this one sings! Is it supposed to be "Noonday?" My favorite lines are" Ere the crimson rays of day be done And the storm unfurls o'er slumping sun Erelong I embrace nocturnal fantasy And stay my lifelong quest for thee Thanks for sharing! Bright Blessings Jana
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-07-19 12:32:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn--This piece has (for me) a elegy like feel: it seems to be a lament about the loss of the speaker's object of affections and through whatever means neccessary will be undertaken to restore this object to it's rightful place (which is at the lamenter's side). Although I enjoyed the read, I did find parts of the offering difficult to follow partially because of your mixture of Old English/antiquated verbiage and probably what I saw as your intentions for the (IMO) oxymoronic like stanzas #2 and 6, which left me twisting and turning. Combination of excellent poetics through internal/end rimes and some fascinating metaphoric language, especially strophes 4, 5, and 7. Thanks for another in a long line of goodies. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-07-16 20:34:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
What a gallant attempt. Love how you made this sing, and I take it to be Old English which was surely different, and enjoy able I might add. Practice makes perfect, and in order to become proficent one must make the attempt and you have here, the form is great, the rhyme and rhythm you incorcorate in the poem is charming, and I'm throughly taken how much you blossom Marilyn, what a wonderful fun poem to read, especially written by you. Don't know what the guys think, but I think it's fun, and your descriptives more then leave the reader understanding the movement, and the feeling, much fun to partake in. Love, Jo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-07-16 18:28:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn: I missed the original sonnet but for what is it you aim with couplets of varying meter and changing accent? Perhaps a lyrical poem and no wasting time on format? I write free verse so from meter and rhyme, I could care less albeit I have learned a great deal at TPL about pacing and rhythm and poetic devices. The construction is important to me as it seems like the skeleton or framework upon which you hang your words. In "Nocturnal Fantasy", you use antiquainted language with doth and o'er twice and so forth and that is not my personal cuppa tea as I favor post-modern poetry. However there are likely ka-zillions of people who adore dost and thy and lo! This is a plangent paean to your lost love for whom you mourn and it seems you search for him at "nooday", S4, line 1, but your ending confuses me so I must be reading this bass-ackards. First of all, I cannot determine if this is a day-long period of time as you begin with "Beyond dawn" a storm is brewing and soon birds will be stirring. You continue that you search at noon (I had to tease you on nooday) and that when there's no storm, you "drift in vain." "Mourning" winds is a nice play on morning and winds are pouring into the sea. (I think you can find crisper descriptions than "billowing" and also "crimson rays"). So now it is sunset and the storm returns to unfurl over the slumping sun. (Slanting? Sloping? Sagging? Surrendering? Slippery?) Then you tell us soon you embrace your nightly fantasy. Is it only I, an obsessive/ compulsive person who nits to this degree or hasn't leared to tell time? Then the next part of my confusion: the ultimate line says you will stay your quest for your departed loved one. Does this mean you will continue your mourning via fantasy? That is quite an individual choice, of course; I just wasn't sure I got it right, and it seems to fill you with anguish. I like "broomy lea" as that conjures up meadows covered in broomweed. I am personally curious which words you liked so much you couldn't toss them, if that's not too rude to ask. Joanne's poem had winds whispering through the trees...it is becoming that susurrant time of year but I envision Wyoming as windy with frequency. We had a windy June which is unusual but now it's just blooming hot (100*) so I doubt you head this way until autumn. It was so nice to log on and your poem popped up first. That rarely occurs with one of your poems as they are quickly devoured. I enjoyed this one and hopefully I'll be looking through me mate Fred quite soon. Take care and continue to grace the site with your jewels. Best always, Mell
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