This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-11-01 03:11:11 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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My wretched shower

My wretched shower cried on me today Just when I thought you’d gotten over me. I knew not what was wrong till I stepped out, Reflecting on the face you used to love. At first I was amazed and then perplexed: There was no shame, no fanfare, no alarm, No warning that my shower’s innocence Would take my shoulders both to cry upon. Its tears found all those places you had kissed And underneath their motions I could sense Your million lips of moisture over me, Those sad unsalted tears that washed me clean. I don’t think I can bathe in there again Or contemplate, perplexed, again that face Unless each drop could take one drop of me And wash me all away eternally.

Copyright © November 2004 Mark Andrew Hislop

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-12-03 13:50:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Man, that was some shower. So you are wretched are you? I loved how you turned this into something more personal. Your million lips of moisture over me, Those sad unsalted tears that washed me clean. Wonderful lines. Thanks for posting.

This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-11-29 10:49:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
This one sounds regretful of something perhaps that could have been that somehow was allowed to go, and makes me think that there are those things that can not be washed away. Thanks for letting me read and comment.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2004-11-16 17:56:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mark, Isn't it interesting when tears come when you relax and let your gaurd down? Voluntarily they fall and catch you completely off guard. I've had such a shower too. I just wish 'it' could get washed away and be gone but it doesn't seem to work like that. Sometimes I wake up crying my heart out.[poo] Hope your battle scars fade soon. You compltely captured 'the experience' I liked it all! Thank you for sharing Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-11-09 13:32:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mark: The speaker, with original voice, relates the experience of a shower which appears to express the grief he feels. He seems a bit detached at first, but becomes less so as the poem develops, with the final strophe expressing an almost unbearable anguish. This superb poem demonstrates how everyday acts may be like walking mine fields if newly separated, divorced, or bereaved. Nothing remains the same, and ordinary acts of eating, sleeping and bathing become painful reminders of the absence of the other. As a personal aside, I used to label those events which triggered cataclysms of grief as 'finding snakes' --unexpected, jarring reminders that the world had turned upside down for me, to remain so, as in your final line, "eternally." I think this poem works exceedingly well -- and that anyone reading who can identify will do so, and those who have not had their first great loss will begin to comprehend meaning of such personally devastating events. My wretched shower cried on me today Just when I thought you’d gotten over me. I knew not what was wrong till I stepped out, Reflecting on the face you used to love. The ironic second line shows the speaker's projection of sorrow to the missing other. The crying of the shower is a brilliant metaphor for overwhelming weeping, externalized. It is as if the speaker was numbed so that he didn't 'feel' "what was wrong" until he "stepped out" of the experience to gain perspective. I imagine him glimpsing himself in the mirror, dismayed at his own expression. This poem has a greater, more powerful impact because of its perceptual synesthesia. The water drops felt as tears, finding "all those places you had kissed" is heartrending without being maudlin. Here I have to restrain the comfort I want to give, as I understand that it isn't the point of the poem to elicit sympathy, but rather, to express what roils inwardly. I think that other readers will find this to be as poignant as have I. Superior writing, once more. Bravo! My best to you, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-11-08 18:07:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
MAH: I first thought this was a nasty storm with a shower following, 'crying on you' being the simile. But as you stepped out, and looked at your reflection, I got the import. Your thoughts feel masochistic, cruel to self, and pessimistic. You mention that "she" once loved your face. Your reflection amazes and flummoxes with no shame, you tell us, with "No warning that my shower's innocence Would take both shoulders to cry upon." I think you mean this literally and figuratively. So far, this is an elusive, surreal read for me. The shower is a metaphor for sadness/tears in my manner of interpretation. Your 3rd stana is the loveliest IMO with its tears finding all the places she had kissed, and underneath you could sense those million lips of moisture, the sad tears that washed you clean. Your ending brings this piece full circle. You'll not take a shower there again or wrestle with the emotions looking at the face brings; unless the shower delivers an adequate amount to wash you away. I think I went astray in the 1st stanza and never got on the right course thereafter. It's the polished, quietly sophisticated writing I've come to associate with your work but I'm off my game today with the pain controlling me in lieu of vice versa. Last review I did of your work, your reply addressed my calling your meter "near-perfect" and requesting that I explain what I meant or to which instances I refer. I've thought about this point several times and arrived at a conclusion which I think is accurate. You are an Aussie, I believe, but have more in common with the UK treatment of English than do we. (I cannot find the poem and I cannot save this page to look it up). I think one of the words was "readily." In Texas, we pronounce the word with two syllables: "read-ly." The Queen's English would likely say all three syllables: "read-i-ly." So this word and many others would cause the line to have, say, eleven beats to me, ten to you. This poem is perfect pentameter, unrhymed. I know the disparity lies with me and my Texas accent and therefore, I am embarrassed that I called foul when there was none. My apologies. If I see any more instances or light shed on your meter, I will let you know. Metaphysical writers and poets are usually profound and bring the reader along with them so they can follow/understand. It's one of my favored forms because I must use my gray matter which is rare in everyday life. I would rather think and learn something new any day than plow through rhetorical nothings, my specialty in composing poetry! However far I may be from your meaning (?), I greatly enjoyed the write. Best wishes, MellO
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