This Poem was Submitted By: Debbie Spicer On Date: 2004-11-01 12:54:59 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Good-Bye The day you said goodbye to me
I watched you turn away.
The stream of tears fell down my cheeks
Efforts made to not dismay.
Now you are in my dreams
I reach out to you.
As I wake you are not there
Your distance becomes so true.
I close my eyes, rest close to you
Wondering where we could be.
Reality comes one more time
You are gone as I now see.
My mind consumed with thoughts of you
In everything I do.
Intense with enduring love
Never to find this true.
When you took your love away
Shards of life remained.
My inner being fell apart
New love now abstained.
Time goes by so slowly
My heart breaks more each day.
Turning back the hands of time
Is all that seems okay.
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Copyright © November 2004 Debbie Spicer
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-12-01 14:15:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
A sad poem about someone you once loved...but you can never turn back as you suggest in the
last stanza. I really like the line "shards of life remained." It was cutting and oh so final.
Thanks for letting me read this interesting piece.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Amour Stakwi'a Dresbach On Date: 2004-11-11 11:57:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Debbie,
Much feeling in this one. Love is such an important subject- one which for a long time I apparently thought the only one worthy of writing about considering it was the only thing that I wrote about. I sincerely hope that your heart is okay because I know this feeling. I've known it more than once. Anyway, I'm supposed to be critiquing your poem, lol!
I like the simple wording of this work and the flow of the rhyme scheme. I appreciate the honesty for poetry is all about life's experiments and being honest with ourselves as well as honest and open with others about what we think, feel, breathe, and see.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-11-09 17:42:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Debbie--There's nothing complicated about this poem, IMO: straight forward language
combine with true end rimes so aptly bring strong heartbreaking feelings into light.
The title indicates a departing with a history coming to an end. The descriptive sub-
sequent verbiage vividly depict the bittersweet one-sided lamenting of an intimate
relationship gone bad. Although no blame placed on/for demise of this, the protagonist
seem to only relish the past with no intentions of moving on, thus, no redeemption
afforded/accorded. If this is a true incident, IMO, the scribe should seek counselling.
And, if this is a figment of ones imagination, then, I say bravo because the piece duly
touched special emotions. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2004-11-09 16:39:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Debbie,
Man it is tough to care for another! And to have them turn away is brutal.
Poetry helps get your thoughts out there to understand yourself.[for me]
If I want to examine my viepoint, I just start writing.
The poem exresses well your torment.
the one thing that might help is to watch your syllable count. It's a bit uneven.
The day you said goodbye to me[8]
I watched you turn away.[6]
The stream of tears fell down my cheeks[8]
Efforts made to not dismay.[7]
Now you are in my dreams[6]
I reach out to you.[5[
As I wake you are not there[7]
Your distance becomes so true.[7]
Keep writing till he's gooooooooooooone.[your web sites very nice]
Love
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-11-09 10:26:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Debbie,
This is a lovely poem about loss, it is soft, tender, and I can feel the longing
in each word. I think that break-ups, wheather it be divorce or an relationship, is
even more difficult to bear than death. The person is still out there but not with
you and that alone causes a different type of heart-ache. 'The day you said goodbye
to me I watched you turn away'..this line sets the tone for what is to follow but it
also stands alone as the melancholy and forlorn state of the poets mind. Now you
only have your dreams to sustain you but when you wake the situation remains the same....
you alone without him and the pain, at times, is unbearable....'when you took your love
away shards of life remained, my inner being fell apart'...I can feel the pathos in these
lines and they are my favorite because of their intensity....'new love now abstained' (I
am not sure of this line so please help this poor old lady!) The last stanza is really
sad to me...time does seem to stand still when we are trying our best to give something
up when it is the last thing we want to do. Much like an addiction. I feel this piece
may be in refrence to that same professional man you spoke of in your Oct. poem. But
no matter who it is and even if it is not your personal grief, it is grief in every
sense of the word and therefore hurts every fiber of your being. I admire you for
posting this very personal poem and hope it helps just to put your feelings in
writing and if it is not about you then I apologize.
Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-11-01 16:33:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Debbie,
Hi, I've just gone through a break-up, a three year relationship so I feel confident about responding to this poem.
Your poem, is everything I feel right now - especially the last two lines. I'd give anything to turn back,
to resolve some of our issues, to appeciate what I had in front of me instead of finding reasons why it wasn't working out. I just lived this poem last week - him turning away - the tears I tried to hold back, that awful numbing sensation and restless nights since then and feeling exactly what you describe " my inner being falling apart." I'm working on it all - I'm keeping myself as busy as possible - because I don't want to fall apart.
I just want my honey back.
This was a good read - uncomplicated wording that lets the reader understand the emotion of writer.
Good luck, with everything.
Sincerely,
DeniMari
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