This Poem was Submitted By: Debbie Spicer On Date: 2004-11-01 12:54:59 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The day you said goodbye to me I watched you turn away. The stream of tears fell down my cheeks Efforts made to not dismay. Now you are in my dreams I reach out to you. As I wake you are not there Your distance becomes so true. I close my eyes, rest close to you Wondering where we could be. Reality comes one more time You are gone as I now see. My mind consumed with thoughts of you In everything I do. Intense with enduring love Never to find this true. When you took your love away Shards of life remained. My inner being fell apart New love now abstained.  Time goes by so slowly My heart breaks more each day. Turning back the hands of time Is all that seems okay.

Copyright © November 2004 Debbie Spicer

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-12-01 14:15:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
A sad poem about someone you once loved...but you can never turn back as you suggest in the last stanza. I really like the line "shards of life remained." It was cutting and oh so final. Thanks for letting me read this interesting piece.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Amour Stakwi'a Dresbach On Date: 2004-11-11 11:57:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Debbie, Much feeling in this one. Love is such an important subject- one which for a long time I apparently thought the only one worthy of writing about considering it was the only thing that I wrote about. I sincerely hope that your heart is okay because I know this feeling. I've known it more than once. Anyway, I'm supposed to be critiquing your poem, lol! I like the simple wording of this work and the flow of the rhyme scheme. I appreciate the honesty for poetry is all about life's experiments and being honest with ourselves as well as honest and open with others about what we think, feel, breathe, and see.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-11-09 17:42:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Debbie--There's nothing complicated about this poem, IMO: straight forward language combine with true end rimes so aptly bring strong heartbreaking feelings into light. The title indicates a departing with a history coming to an end. The descriptive sub- sequent verbiage vividly depict the bittersweet one-sided lamenting of an intimate relationship gone bad. Although no blame placed on/for demise of this, the protagonist seem to only relish the past with no intentions of moving on, thus, no redeemption afforded/accorded. If this is a true incident, IMO, the scribe should seek counselling. And, if this is a figment of ones imagination, then, I say bravo because the piece duly touched special emotions. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2004-11-09 16:39:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Debbie, Man it is tough to care for another! And to have them turn away is brutal. Poetry helps get your thoughts out there to understand yourself.[for me] If I want to examine my viepoint, I just start writing. The poem exresses well your torment. the one thing that might help is to watch your syllable count. It's a bit uneven. The day you said goodbye to me[8] I watched you turn away.[6] The stream of tears fell down my cheeks[8] Efforts made to not dismay.[7] Now you are in my dreams[6] I reach out to you.[5[ As I wake you are not there[7] Your distance becomes so true.[7] Keep writing till he's gooooooooooooone.[your web sites very nice] Love Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-11-09 10:26:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Debbie, This is a lovely poem about loss, it is soft, tender, and I can feel the longing in each word. I think that break-ups, wheather it be divorce or an relationship, is even more difficult to bear than death. The person is still out there but not with you and that alone causes a different type of heart-ache. 'The day you said goodbye to me I watched you turn away'..this line sets the tone for what is to follow but it also stands alone as the melancholy and forlorn state of the poets mind. Now you only have your dreams to sustain you but when you wake the situation remains the same.... you alone without him and the pain, at times, is unbearable....'when you took your love away shards of life remained, my inner being fell apart'...I can feel the pathos in these lines and they are my favorite because of their intensity....'new love now abstained' (I am not sure of this line so please help this poor old lady!) The last stanza is really sad to me...time does seem to stand still when we are trying our best to give something up when it is the last thing we want to do. Much like an addiction. I feel this piece may be in refrence to that same professional man you spoke of in your Oct. poem. But no matter who it is and even if it is not your personal grief, it is grief in every sense of the word and therefore hurts every fiber of your being. I admire you for posting this very personal poem and hope it helps just to put your feelings in writing and if it is not about you then I apologize. Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-11-01 16:33:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Debbie, Hi, I've just gone through a break-up, a three year relationship so I feel confident about responding to this poem. Your poem, is everything I feel right now - especially the last two lines. I'd give anything to turn back, to resolve some of our issues, to appeciate what I had in front of me instead of finding reasons why it wasn't working out. I just lived this poem last week - him turning away - the tears I tried to hold back, that awful numbing sensation and restless nights since then and feeling exactly what you describe " my inner being falling apart." I'm working on it all - I'm keeping myself as busy as possible - because I don't want to fall apart. I just want my honey back. This was a good read - uncomplicated wording that lets the reader understand the emotion of writer. Good luck, with everything. Sincerely, DeniMari
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