This Poem was Submitted By: Patricia Gibson-Williams On Date: 2004-11-13 04:30:54 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Winter Waltz
We gather here in joyous praise;
of bitter nights and frosty days.
By blustery winds held aloft
caressing whispers
sooth and waft.
We mingle dancing
feather light
till morning smiles
shining bright.
Then with a silent sigh we fall
to answer nature’s needful call.
On wispy breezes we are carried,
gently
lightly
downward
ferried
to nestle on the rocks and sand;
on boughs and branches ‘cross the land.
We coat and cover barren brush
and comfort with the purest blush
We settle there
till springs first break;
nestled together
flake to flake.
Then with the warmth we sadly melt
(Ne’r cursing
the cards we’re dealt)
and gathered by
sun dappled rays;
rise back to heaven
singing praise.
June 7, 2004 |
|
Copyright © November 2004 Patricia Gibson-Williams
Additional Notes:
Sigh… It’s getting cooler here, and I hope this years (as every one for as long as I can remember) that I will finally get to see snow. (other then in pictures or the little flurries we had in Miami, long ago)
This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2004-12-07 07:34:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Sometimes I think people at this site have forgotten what true poetry is all about. It doesn't have to be fifty-cent words, suicide notes, or lost love heartbreaks. Poetry, great poetry, TRUE poetry is stopping to smell the roses. It is the breathing of life into the inanimate. It is the beautiful in the ordinary, the common, the everyday. All these you have accomplished with this piece. It seems the poetic zeitgeist of the day is that good poetry doesn't rhyme. What a crock! I love this poem's lyrical simplicity. Just like a gentle snowfall, these words meander lackadaisically, but with purpose. If a snowflake could describe its life, these would be its words. Very beautiful and well-written. Definately one I'm voting for, and one of the most refreshing submissions I've read here. Thanks for helping justify my own poetic beliefs. By the way, I'm sure ther will be plenty of snow in NC, come on up and check it out! C YA!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2004-12-03 21:42:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Patricia,
This is lovely, lovely. The diary of a snowflake, it seems. Altho you use this font
often, it is perfect for this flawless piece. It adds to the sensual grace of falling,
the gentle flow of the poem, the reader can almost smell the cold damp air and sense the
mystery of falling snow for it is one of earth's most beautiful sights. All the lines
are favorites, but I love that you used "ferried" for their delivery to us. That is
just a glorious choice of words.
Your rhymes are exact, you are an artist at using motion/action in your poems with uncanny
accuracy and vision. I really enjoy everything you write.
You have ended your downward spiral perfectly with the snowflake's "rise back to Heaven
singing praise."
I wish you the best,
you have a special talent.
Always,
Wanda
This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-11-29 15:05:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
This one charms me, it just flows so well and up here in Pa. we get snow every year. I'll build a snowman/snowwoman for you. Thanks for letting me read and comment.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2004-11-28 17:57:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81481
Patricia,
What a nice waltz........rhythmnic sweet dainty delightful.
I see winter cold, dark, lonely, and fruitless. Maybe I'll think different after the dance.
[spacing good visual of snow falling/floating]
On wispy breezes we are carried,
gently
lightly
downward
ferried
to nestle on the rocks and sand;
on boughs and branches ‘cross the land.
I enjoyed the ending of the snow melting.
Then with the warmth we sadly melt
(Ne’r cursing
the cards we’re dealt)[we always want what we don't have]
and gathered by
sun dappled rays;
rise back to heaven
singing praise.
I think I'll tolerate the snow better/thanks
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-11-20 14:47:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Patricia:
This is an exquisite hymn to the intense, pure beauty of snowflakes.
I love the way you have written this from their point of view, as
if each element in nature is singing praises to the Creator. (I
believe this is true.) Though you may not be blessed with snow
in your environs, you are obviously well-acquainted with its
magic. My guess would be that you grew up in a place where it
snowed in winter. The poem is full of charm and grace, and I
love the way you've formatted it. I can see it as a delicately
painted illustration, also -- perhaps done with a Japanese
brush. I have two tiny suggestions, only because I think
this is one of the loveliest of poems I've seen this fall.
We gather here in joyous praise;
of bitter nights and frosty days.
By blustery winds held aloft
caressing whispers
(soothe) and waft.
I think that 'soothe' is what you meant, as 'sooth' is pronounced
like 'booth' and also, because it has a different meaning. I love
that the poem begins and ends with praise. It brings the whole of
creation into a worshipful response to the Creator. We can feel
the snowflake's exultation in their natural state of deep cold,
and experience the "blustery winds" as refreshing and celebratory.
The softness of the sounds you've chosen artistically express this
atmosphere of perfection. For example, the soft fricatives in
"frosty/waft" and the sibilance and gentle 'wh' sound in
"caressing/whispers."
We mingle dancing
feather light
till morning smiles
shining bright.
Then with a silent sigh we fall
to answer nature’s needful call.
There is almost a fairy-tale feeling to this -- chanted in rhythm, as
if by an enchanted being from "A Midsummer's Night Dream" or from
the "Blue Book of Fairies." The doubled l's are liquid and soothing.
On wispy breezes we are carried,
gently
lightly
downward
ferried
to nestle on the rocks and sand;
on boughs and branches ‘cross the land.
The above stanza is my favorite! The way you've allowed the words to
seemingly drift down the page echoes the movement of the snowflakes.
And the rhymes are sublime, as in the entire poem -- but "ferried/carried"
casts a 'spell' on this reader. I love the words 'wispy/nestle' and
"boughs/branches" as they remind me of the approach of winter and of
Christmas. One can snuggle into this poem -- it feels inviting, though the
season is cold. What charming contrast!
We coat and cover barren brush
and comfort with the purest blush
We settle there
till springs first break;
nestled together
flake to flake.
You've captured the cozy feeling that snow lends to the landscape. It seems
as though the brush is dressed in finery, in "purest blush" as a choir
member singing praises.
Then with the warmth we sadly melt
([Ne’er] cursing
the cards we’re dealt)
and gathered by
sun dappled rays;
rise back to heaven
singing praise.
Ahhhh -- the metaphor for humanity. Though life may be filled with sadness or
cold, we will be gathered again by the nurturing sun
and "rise back to
heaven" again. I love the spiritual implications here -- that we originated in
heaven, and will return. It is subtle, not preachy. The divine origins of all
on heaven and earth, and the cyclical nature of our existence is illustrated
brilliantly in this lyric poem you have given us.
Thank you for this most welcome and elevating artistry!
Brava! Grace-fully done!
My best, always
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-11-14 13:04:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Patti:
So grand to have a poem by you on my list! You never fail to deliver and
this is, on the surface, a nature poem, a tribute to winter, an elegy
to snowflakes. I like your alliterative title which paints a picture in my mind
of a couple of snow faeries on a frozen pond, doing a beautiful waltz.
There is a great deal of rhyme here, mostly end-stopped, no locked-in number
of stanzas nor their line length. This free-verse type of structure seems to
fit your poem well and gives you the needed latitude to speak as you will.
"We gather here in joyous praise;
of bitter nights and frosty days.
By blustery winds held aloft
caressing whispers
sooth(e) and waft."
A great amount of sibilance used here to convey your message in whispery,
blustery Sssssssssssssss words.
I think it genuinely unique to tell readers about winter from the pov of
a snowflake. Of course all I know is what I have studied and learned and
the experts seem to hold the device of personalization in high regard.
Your snowflakes seem perfect for personilization but likely becaue you
do it so well.
I do not understand the last line of S 2.
S 3 is your loveliest with a nice placement of words showing downward
movement. It is also perfectly rhymed and metered.
S 4 continues with placement of snow in your unique descriptive ways.
The line I favor here is: "nestled together...flake to flake."
The flakes tell the readers that when it becomes warm, we sadly melt
but with no bitterness as that is nature's way. The flakes are gathered
by the sun and they rise back to heaven, praises sung.
There is a yearning feeling about the poem and as I read your end notes,
I see that you live in Florida where snow is rare. We rarely see snow in Dallas but have at least one ice storm every year.
Not having seen much snow nor winter waltzes, you do a nice job in writing
about same. There is a comforting warmth herein which I greatly enjoyed
and your revelation seems to be: And that's the way it is, so we accept
our roles in God's plans. A metaphor for human lives and our acceptance
of our places therein.
Nicely done, Patti; a fine read and a poem to which I'll return time and again.
Best wishes,
Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2004-11-13 11:36:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Patricia,
From the first words, to the format of your verse, and your choice of vernacular, I found this piece appealing. I felt as if I was looking out my window to my favorite time of the year, and that I was not disappointed.
caressing whispers
sooth and waft.
I like this pairing, sooth, that of the calming of the soul and waft, that tells the particulars of "coldness" which can intrude on that serenity. The physical meets the metaphysical. Well Said.
Then with a silent sigh we fall
to answer nature’s needful call
Once again you end a stanza with duality, “silent sigh” and fall (itself a dual meaning word in this context), to answer “nature’s needful” call. I shared in that moment, where fall and winter gently, silently “sigh” in unnoticed, but even in the most stark face of each, it is nature’s need for spring that the fall “clean up” from the past years extravagance.
gently
lightly
downward
ferried – (this form, though I am not a form type of guy, fits so well I could feel the wafting of breeze and leaves to their layered bed on the ground. Excellent!!)
Finally you end as the snowflake itself, an embodiment of winter. Your dualism of “humans huddling” together is almost a parody in your lines “nestled together ,
flake to flake”.
I smiled to hear the flakes, “winter” bemoaning the “cards they are dealt”, and knowing spring will once again end their reign.
Excellent piece, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Voting list piece.
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