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This Poem was Submitted By: stephen g skipper On Date: 2005-02-08 17:16:42 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Alone on A Beach

You sit with your head in your hands, all alone on your beach, but think of me and I'll be there. Because I am the sand, golden and warm, beneath your feet in your secluded bay. I am the gentle breeze that ruffles your hair, and gradually takes away your worldly cares. I am the tide of azure blue, deep and restless, trying to wash your toes with my white foam. I am the very air that you breathe, caressing and filling you with life. I am the sun on your skin, drinking in the essence of you. And as the cold mist comes in. I am the sail boat, that you see with your god given eyes, waiting for the day to carry you away. You think of me and I will of you!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandee L McMullan On Date: 2005-03-06 12:27:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52381
Title: Alone on a Beach The title is an image striking a mood of solitude and a vision as comfortable as the beach can be. The couplet format works well here, setting images separate so the reader can absorb and add them to collected scene that is unfolding in the mind. Also, emotes are building as they interact as signified by poetic device – ‘personification’ of nature’s things ei: breeze, sand, etc. This is affective bringing the reader into the poem through appealing to senses. The tone is one personal and direct to another; the memory is strong linking lovingly imo. There is a method of making love using the sea essence and scene to do it with; very effective. A couple of nits as a suggestion or opinion: Some areas could be pruned/cropped/tightened for reading meter and meaning impact. some redundancy in the 2nd line. “all alone” all is really not needed as alone gives us the immediate picture. “but think of me and I’ll be there” could be easily and efficiently – think and I’ll be there. You sit with your head in your hands, alone on your beach, think and I’ll be there [Because] not needed, I suggest go right into > “I am ...” for one line. Any further [I am] could be pruned away, as they are understood after once being said, and goes without re-stating, imo. Example: > > > I am the sand, golden and warm, beneath your feet in your secluded bay. the gentle breeze that ruffles your hair, and [gradually] takes away your worldly cares. tide of azure blue, deep and restless, [trying to] washing your toes with my white foam[.] suggest emdash ( – ) [I am] the very air [that] you breathe, caressing and filling you with life. < < < This line I suggest a minor adjusting to match the couplet format previous for overall consistency with this particular poem. “And as the cold mist comes in(,) the sail boat, you see with god given eyes, waiting for the day to carry you away. You think of me and I will of you. There are many sense devices used with things and actions here to like as moods ignite and then soften the quell. - breeze in hair – always sensual - azure blue and washing toes – sight of blue, again sensual - caressing – affirms - drinking in essence – universal oneness - cold mist – sense to the body - carry away – lulling relaxing - me/you – connection, relation. I enjoyed this visit and traversing the beach with each image. Thx for the moments with a different kind of playful solitude. . . . regards Suggestions are my opinions, do take or leave as you wish.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-03-04 23:25:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Stephen: This beautiful poem in couplets breaks my heart. The part that weeps knows that separation is the hardest thing asked of us earthling. The other part rejoices with your reuniting with Paula. The part of me that believes (but does not see) the very real loved one still near us, still loving us but no longer in physical form. It feels as though Paula has 'spoken' this poem through you: You sit with your head in your hands, all alone on your beach, but think of me and I'll be there. The words are comforting, yet agonizing. I believe them true, yet feel their sting. I do believe along with you that when we think of them, they are drawn near to us. The liquid l's in the second line add to the softness of the beach setting. Because I am the sand, golden and warm, beneath your feet in your secluded bay. This image offers a physical touch, in the mysterious way that contact with warmth has of reassurance to us that we are truly never alone. It may be the echo of memory of that first physical embrace in our mother's womb. This poem has a very real presence about it that makes me reflect upon the physical things which have reminded me of my loved ones who have gone ahead. It hurts to recall that emptiness, and yet -- what you offer here is real. I am the gentle breeze that ruffles your hair, and gradually takes away your worldly cares. I dare anyone to read this and remain dry-eyed. I know you are not trying to have this effect on readers. It's just that your words ring so true, Stephen. All of your poems have had that effect on me. I am the tide of azure blue, deep and restless, trying to wash your toes with my white foam. Exquisite sounds in "azure blue" as well as the rhyme sounds in "breeze/deep" --you've said you've not had training in poetry-writing -- which means to me that you are a natural poet. To think that we (I) may have missed signals from loved ones because of not paying attention! Your poem brings me back to many, many memories. I am the very air that you breathe, caressing and filling you with life. WONDERFUL! I am the sun on your skin, drinking in the essence of you. The mutual exchange of air and sun, and essence -- the heart of a pair merged into one. And as the cold mist comes in. (Maybe a dash here, if you're of mind someday.) But the pause tells me that we are back in the cold chill of mourning. The time that surely comes with grieving, even as we remember others with joy. The proverbial two-edged sword. But you go on to remind us that we must keep looking, keep living --- and recall that nothing is permanent -- including that final separation called death. I am the sail boat, that you see with your god given eyes, waiting for the day to carry you away. You think of me and I will of you! Stephen, I'm at a loss for words right now. You have said them all perfectly here. I hope that with time the anguish has lessened but not the happier memories. I think this poem is strong evidence that Paula is in your heart -- always. My very best, once more Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2005-03-02 16:12:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Stephen: Each time the title tells me it may be a seascape or next to a span of water, I am drawn in if it makes my list. I am still doing my few little crits trying not to lose my sparse voting power. Your poem is laid out in a pleasing format without a definitive rhyme/meter scheme which is what I favor in poetry. You set six couplets then a line singular then another couplet and your final line is also in one line. Supposedly, a singular line is used when it's an extremely important sentence where the reader must open ears and eyes, all senses to the poet's words. The poet/protagonist tells his beloved thst if she sits on a beach, you are there so intrinsicly bonded to her as she feels your presence. You continue you are her all; you are the golden sand and the breeze that teases her hair. My favorite line, for whatever reason: "I am the tide of azure blue, deep and restless, trying to wash your toes with my white foam." Stephen, I don't think I have anything to help you...I find your piece worthy as is. It's got some lovely, longing lines and I know they are from your heart. Please continue to write of your love (of Paula) and it's been said it will become a cathartic experience. Congrats on a splendid piece of writing. Best wishes, Mell Morris

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2005-03-02 13:11:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Stephen, Ah, I wish I were the one alone on the beach, as this is mesmerizing! I love the imagery used in this poem...makes me feel as if I am alone on the beach now, being wooed by your persuasive guidance. I especially like these lines, "I am the tide of azure blue, deep and restless, trying to wash your toes with my white foam.". A very nice read; one that allows the reader to become rapt in the seclusion and solitude of which you write. I hope the day comes when you can sail ashore and wisp her away. Thanks, I enjoyed the read! Beck

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-02-17 18:44:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Permit me to make a few small corrections, and not to take away the very theme of this lovely piece. You sit with your head in your hands, all alone on your beach, but think of me and I'll be there. You sit with head in your hands, all alone on your beach Think of me I'll be there! I am the sun on your skin, drinking in the essence of you.......drinking in your essence (less is more) I am the sail boat, that you see with your god given eyes, waiting for the day to carry you away. I am the sail boat you see.....I would eliminate all together "god given eyes" It detracts. waiting for the day to carry you away You think of me and I will of you! Think of me as I will of you! Anyway, that's my take on it. Perhaps you could have put in how lonely you felt. Given it a bit more of a "gut wrench." Your two line stanzas work well here, but the whole piece needs to be tightened up a bit. As I said, less is more. Thanks for letting me critique.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-02-14 16:47:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
Stephen, This is a prayer......God is the sun, air, water, sand, breeze. and as the cold mist comes in. I am the sail boat, that you see with your god given eyes, [the body?] waiting for the day to carry you away. You think of me and I will of you! Interesting ending......think of me and I will of you! A different way to percieve. Sort of like live with me and I'll be a part of you. Don't know me, I won't know of you... I think he's bigger than us and he probably cares even if we don't. But your thought is pretty unique. I am the sun on your skin, drinking in the essence of you.[probably does as it drys up the moisture. Nice poem/good job. Your hearts in the right place. Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-02-11 11:45:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
stephen--Just the title conjures up a great visual for this metaphoric "List Poem." Taken as is, this protagonist has it bad (I mean real bad!) and that's good (I mean very good), and even better if most of these feel- ings are reciprocated. These hyperbolic phrases (IMO) could still be apt pick-up lines (smile) and emote/sway potential partner(s). This reader felt that this "list" is meant to be taken figuratively and inference some deeper theme. For sure not an elegy, but perhaps a genuine appeal to a "distant" lover or loved one; "I am the sail boat, that you see with your god given eyes, waiting for the day to carry you away. You think of me and I will of you!" As a reader, I can not honestly select any one of the non-rhymned couplets as a particular favorite------they're all pictuesque images that I wish were lit- eral and or I had thought of. I also have a few nit-picks: an excessive use of commas; line #
caused me to pause/stop akwardly (may be just me-smile). I won't begin to suggest how to re- write your poem, because I do enjoy what I get from it. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-02-09 14:39:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Stephen, I just critiqued your other poem which I did not think was written about Paula...but this one is written about her and in such a loving way that it brings mist to my eyes. It is one of the best you have written about her and your devastating loss of her....'I am the sand golden and warm, I am the gentle breeze that ruffles your hair, I am the tide of azure blue, deep and restless, I am the very air that you breath, I am the sun on your skin, dinking in the essence of you (beautiful)..'I am the sail boat that you see with your god (God) given eyes..you think of me and I will think of you' I wish the living really knew if the departed could actually look down and see us or if they grieve for us as we do for them. Sometimes I would like to believe they could but other times I am convinced they cannot. When my husband was dying he said to me....'if ever you have a terrible problem that you cannot solve and then it just gets better. that will be me helping you.' I have taken solace in that statement many times in the years since he has been gone. You will always have Paula in your heart but there is also room for others so don't shut the door to new things or new people...you have a lot of life left to live! Peace....Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-02-08 18:37:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Another piece filled with your love Stephen.......beautifully written in style, word form, images created with the flare of your pen and the emotions sent forth touching one's heart and soul........I know you miss her so very much and I know that you know she will always be with you till the day you join her for eternity.......and in the meantime you must continue to share these feelings with us or others who too will come to know and feel this great passion shared by you two in a lifetime......short as it might have been......thanks for posting and sharing especially at this time of the year.....Be safe, God Bless, Claire

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