This Poem was Submitted By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-02-12 18:09:53 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Water Spirits

they  swallowed  the Atlantic to be free leaped  over inhumanity to sink  into  the loving arms  of their  mother

Copyright © February 2005 Latorial D. Faison

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-03-02 01:41:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Emotionally packed within these two stanza's ....Water Spirits......a title which fits right in..... your word flow allows for images from the beginning of perhaps many things represented to many readers for we do not all see nor feel the same as everyone me this represents the struggle for survival after disaster yet those not having suffered turn their backs perhaps and extend not a helping hand.....thus these people turned away die in their struggle to survive and become water spirits returning once more to the loving arms of their mother.........interesting thoughts , feelings and above all the courage to either survive or die with take on this one, thank you for posting, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-02-17 13:13:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93333
Latorial–My thoughts went directly to the boats of Haitians who were turned away by the USA: first stanza inference these people subsequently drowned; “they swallowed the Atlantic to be free” The second stanza alluded (ambiguously ) to the atrocities they were fleeing and ultimately going/returning to watery fate/home of their gestation; “leaped over inhumanity to sink into the loving arms of their mother” This metaphoric piece theme (IMO) indirectly, echoes the selective process used by the strong to come to the aide of the weak: what can/have you done for me lately; no oil no influence no leverage! Sorry if I’ve misstated your intent. Powerful pausity worded effort. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandee L McMullan On Date: 2005-02-15 00:44:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
title: Water Sprites Title is beckoning the reader offering a fantasy play on the word – sprites. And any water poem is a delight, most times, so I take jump in for the read. Simplicity is the strong point here, delivering the message 30 syllables. Perhaps this is a revised form of Tanka. 5-7-5-7-7 but not quite. Content is in past tense, present tense of swallowed may bring this into an immediate moment as of happening right now. Pull the reader into the action. Some vagueness about who their mother is … I ponder and want to add the word ‘sea’ to the end of this or some other reference to maternal – mother sea. I like the sense of freedom as the purpose. Inhumanity is an abstraction here, I am left guessing as to what is the cruelty. Perhaps it is the capture or the imprisonment as opposite to freedom. Water Sprites could be used here as an abridging title; starting with “swallow”, something to think about as I see the pronouns (they, their) maybe are not needed. An emdash can give a natural linkage and pause to import the image of free with leap but of course your way is so fine also. No punctuation suits this form. title: Water Sprites swallow the Atlantic to be free – leap over inhumanity to sink into the loving arms of mother I enjoyed this little thing, there is a comfort in the ending, nurturing and maternal protectiveness delivered in few syllables, very haiku like even -- good one a pleasure to read. It could even be tightened up more if one chooses to, by dropping "to"; depends what the narrator is seeking to accomplish, either way it works. . . . . regards
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-02-14 17:58:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
Latorial, I think: What is the author's main point? The idea of this piece is to say someone/or many drown in the water because of cruel acts of inhumanness. [to be free?] maybe immigrants coming in boats? Purpose: The purpose of this piece is to show this person/or person’s all right or saved. ‘Sinking into the loving arms of ‘their’ mother.’ [mother earth-mother god?] The underlying assumption of the author: is a wrong was righted by God's saving grace. No argument or support presented for the piece. My reaction: It is well organized, a little vague, easy to read. Thought provoking. It feels like the sinking of a ship. Possibly wartime. Good job! my best to you. I tried a new way to critique on you? Hope you find it helpful Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-02-13 13:36:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mysterious. Somewhere, someone (several someones) faced death by drowning rather than face some atrocity. Interesting. There are several historic incidents that this could apply to, but the specifics are not what is needed here. What makes this poetry is that any specifics are omitted. Here, only the sacrifices made are given any import, and related in such a way as to be universal, becoming less about people drowning at sea and more about the pain of injustice and inhumanity and the suffering and loss it causes, but at the same time, the glory for those returning home. Beautifuul. What I like best about your work is that your ability to say more with less is improving, and also your work is becoming more thought-provoking. Keep it up! charlie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2005-02-13 13:28:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Latorial, well done, multi-leveled meaning piece with short, powerful verbiage. I have become a student of and believer in the "less is more" school of verse, and this is on that page. It gives the reader thoughts to ponder both in the lines, and between them. The short, quick verse drives the reader to stop and re-read, and re-think. The eradication of inhumanity, or the leaping over it as you say, is always the goal. That it is allowed to occur, has always been the puzzlement. The verbiage speaks volumes in few words of the struggles of many people thru the ages. Thanks for the post, Peace, Paul
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-02-12 18:34:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I am not quite sure where you were going with this one Latorial. Could be the African slave trade, or the Cubans, or even the first settlers to N.America. I vote for the Slave trade that you're after here. Can't really say much because there is nothing much to say in the 12 lines and 18 words you have here. Kind of haikuish. Water Spirits is a good title though. Thanks for letting me read this one.
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