This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2005-07-24 01:06:31 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Cherry Blossom Melody
In my melic heart
music softly
shimmers
a prelude
to symphonic poems
your perfect
splendor
sparks
in my soul
OKAGE
SAMA
DE
I am what I am
because of you.
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Copyright © July 2005 Jana Buck Hanks
Additional Notes:
Okage Sama De is a Japanese phrase usually reserved as a respectful comment to a teacher. Teachers come in all guizes and I love the translation into English. Think of all the people that have been your teachers and not just in school...what you have learned in your life and from whom.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-08-07 23:33:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
Jana, I'm glad I gave this title a second look and read the poem. It is a jewel. This poem blossomed into something lasting and meaningful. The last two lines (last 4 actually) are jewels to be treasured. You have used poetry and creative words to make a statement that more than deserves to be heard.
It's so important to let people know that we are what we are because of them, and you're so right. It's not always teachers. It's not always parents. Sometimes it's people we've met in passing who make lasting impressions on us in some way with their own actions, words, etc.
Great job, and thanks for reminding me. The Japanese is a great additive to this poem, and brings something sacred to the tone. Thanks for sharing this one.
Latorial
www.latorialfaison.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2005-07-31 11:07:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667
Jana,
a minimalist's delight. The translative passes on so much more than the verbiage, and your usage of soft s's, "softly shimmers", and "symphonic, splendor sparks in my soul" sets the stage for the humble thanks given in the final stanza. We are indeed the sum total of our teacher's offerings, some of which I fear we do not heed until the wisdom presents itself after the fact. Thanks for passing on the insight. I will have to pass it on. Another lesson learned.. Peace, Paul
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-07-28 15:53:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
Jana,
How nice this is!
All the teachers of a thousand things, shape you into the outward person you become.
BUT! We are all our particular cores at birth, which determines the choices we choose.
Identical children/treated identically could become such different people.
I think we are what we are because 'God' made us that way.
Your 'he' could be anyone.........
I like your thought filled poem/very nice.
The japanese saying/was an interesting touch.
Hugs
Dellena
[I'm not so afraid of a fellow scout leader!]
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-07-24 12:36:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55556
Cherry Blossom Melody (sets the mood, puts the senses on alert}
In my melic heart
music softly
shimmers
a prelude {ou, shimmers a prelude….yummy feelings of inner peace, grounded, ethereal}
to symphonic poems
your perfect
splendor
sparks
in my soul {absolutely perfect progression, music softly-symphonic, the poems that are born,
{passion sparks in the soul, a splendorous perfection}
OKAGE
SAMA
DE
I am what I am
because of you.
{OKAGE SAMA DE; and in culmination the piece de resistance’, sapient, so well placed within your writing, such a tribute, how honest- I am what I am because of you, what an honor to bestow on the teacher/s.}
Great structure, the visual effect emphasizes, and the verbiage could not be more elegant in it’s simplicity, less is more philosophy , while the cadence is soft, easy and flowing. Bravo! Excellent job, this goes on my list for this month (and all those that follow) A good lesson here in so many ways, writing, philosophy, self rule.
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-07-24 12:19:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90476
Jana--I spent some time at Yokota Air Base back in 1969 and learned of the esteem
given to pedagogy in the Japanese culture. Furthermore, my youngest daughter (30
years old)just returned (march 05) from teaching in Japan. She taught 5th graders
at the Kansai School in Nagata (near Osaka) and allowed my wife and I to exchange
emails with her students (which was great). Your poem is a moving, albeit terse,
tribute to teachers of "all disciplines." These thirty sparse words have been well
chosen by scribe to present a personal and heartfelt poetical gem. Thanks for sharing.
TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-07-24 08:22:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95455
Hi Jana,
This is a wonderful tribute to all the great teachers the world over who have influenced us on a general or personal level. Teachers are in many ways, the roots of our existence and navigate our ships to the shores of knowledge...they may be persons, inspirational books, they may even be life and its experiences.
The piece is indeed music from your 'melic heart', even as you celebrate our great teachers and if you have done a good job in terms of poetics in ensuring that this piece sings. Strong use of alliterative sounds - my/melic/music, softly/shimmers/symphonic/splendor/sparks/soul contribute to the musical sounds of the piece. Okage Sama De adds an exotic touch to this piece and exalts the importance of the teacher being reserved only for this great group of people.
'I am what I am because of you' - a beautiful ending to a well-written piece, final in its assertion that we would nowhere without the guidance of our gurus.
Your title is interesting - 'Cherry blossom melody'. This could allude to the richness of the theme, or the appreciation for your teacher or just a manifestation of the beauty of it all. And you seemed to have structured this to reflect the ebb and flow of a musical note or musical wave.
Well-written, again!!
P.S - I'd love to share some thoughts on life in Calcutta. I will email you shortly.
Take care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joyce P. Hale On Date: 2005-07-24 07:50:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.53659
Jana, a beautiful write! *I am what I am because of you* A line of great respect and appreciation! Again you have touched on the feel of centuries gone with your *melic heart* and *symphonic poems.* Your short piece echoes with the feelings that I would think we all share toward those who have been examples to us, those without whom we would be far different people than we are now. Excellent write, about which I can add nor subtract nothing. Thanks. Joyce
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-07-24 04:47:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72131
This is beautifully penned Poet......good structure, word flow, memories return from my memory through your written word............I tend to turn to think of lessons learned from those I used to baby sit for.......one lesson was not to be so trusting.......of course that involved the husband/father and my return trip home........happened only once, from then on in I walked no matter how late they returned home.....second lesson was to bake a cake from scratch.....young mother of three who was the best........sad to say she became a widow at a very early age and raised her three children alone and did a great job at it too......third lesson was the night I found God, again.....though in a much different way and He has been by my side since.........loved the read and I do thank you for sharing it with us......I see the Lord is moving in you as always....God Bless, Claire
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