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in honorarium... In guilt-ridden pity, self-loathing I wallowed. Left gutted and empty though bitterness swallowed. Dispelled and forsaken with no star to follow pits blood against blood. Hearts grow cold and hollow. Lessons learned with the lash; drove home with the throttle. Through conflict, contention, contempt and a bottle. From the teat early torn and thrust into battle. Resented, rejected, two burdens to saddle. Love but with condition, contentment belied. Constrict with attrition, compassion denied. Distrust and deception bore dissonant sides. With cancer-like cruelty destroyed from inside Then cast out with malice in judgment and blame. To walk among others unworthy, in shame. Alive but not living these cursed bastard sons. That nowhere finds welcome and everyone shuns Their darkness eternal in judgment and doubt. In blindness abandoned unarmed and without. Condemned to stand outside but forced to look in on those who succeeded and what could have been. |
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-10-04 12:57:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Charlie,
I have read this poem several times tryng to dig between the lines to get to the core of it. But first let me say that the rhyming is exquisit! It flows like a well oiled machine...no words out of place. If I didn't know better (because rhyming like this is not that easy)I would say you know this story so well that you just sat down and wrote it and never had to do an edit. I get the sense that this tale is about two brothers who don't necessarily love one another...or were forced into competion early on and never got past it. You write that (you) wallowed in self pity in bitterness, dispelled and forsaken. What a horrible place to be! Lesson being learned at the end of a lash and destroyed from inside....alive but not living these cursed bastard sons...this speaks of illegitimacy and I fell it is you and a brother. I am probably all wrong on my take of this piece. However, it is so riddled with profound emotion that I get the sense that you lived it...and perhaps still are. It could easily be biblical but in my gut I don't think so. If this is you and a brother who were forced to compete with each other it is one of the saddest tales I have read in a long time. No parent should ever do that to a child. All children are worthy and wonderful and should be treated as such. Children are just a blank slate when they are born and the impression that are formed take place as we raise them and teach them how to cope and survive in a world that is full of pitfalls. My heart hopes that this is not your own story but if it is you have my smypathy and also my hope that you can overcome what you lived with as a child. Very well written...bravo
Peace...Marilyn