This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2005-11-08 09:58:25 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

Autumn Sundae (Cinquain)

~ Ablaze, cinnamon flames lap at blueberry skies. Vanilla veiled peaks wear whipped cream  garnish. ~ 

Copyright © November 2005 Mary J Coffman

Additional Notes:
I was looking over the neighboring farm's red maples, through the morning mist, at snow capped Rockies this morning..... I love autumn!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-07-11 09:36:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Oh Mary I just happened to be looking up someone who did a critique of my latest poem and scrolled down to see others that he has done as well..and there it was, this little gem of a cirquain. Oh how I love this tight structured forms, and I couldn't resist taking a peek. I am here to tell you that I think this is such a wonderful example of the form. It is simply delicious!! in color and images and I could see so clearly and poetically the scene you have presented here. "cinnamon flames lap at blueberry skies." favorite lines. I love your use of personification, it makes this alive for this reader in more ways than one and gives it such vibrance with our choice of words. I know how hard this are to write and write well, and I want you to know that I appreciate this little venue more that you know!! BRAVO! Nancy P.S. I know this is an older write of yours , and won't count for this months standings, but I love to hear positive comments on my work no matter what..take care!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-12-03 21:49:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mary, What a delectable poem!!! Not only do you adhere perfectly to the form, but the imagery is so well developed that we progress from the flame (reminds me of a baked Alaska type of treat!) to the cinnamon, the berries, the whipped cream ... those luscious "vanilla veiled peaks" sound yummy, and they look it. You combine visuals with the unforgettable taste of the fruit, sweetness and spice. This is such a fresh metaphor for the season. It's not easy to find originality in describing autumn, but you've succeeded here. Much enjoyed. Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2005-11-24 22:24:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25000
A very pleasing picture. But I'm full of Thanksgiving dinner. I'll pass on the ice cream. tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-11-21 03:45:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mary, Perfectly rendered form and exquisitely delicious. This is a sundae worth eating over a dozen times. Within the constraints of a form such as Cinquain (2,4,6,8,2)you've appetised our imaginations, tickled our taste buds and done justice to the importance of imagery in poetry, the delicate aroma of cinnamon adds a fine touch too. I like your rendering of effective alliteration too with the 'v' and 'w' sounds (vanilla-veiled and wear-whipped). Thanks for capturing this amazing view. Take care, Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-11-11 05:24:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Mary, as I read and reread this piece, I received such a blast of childhood recall, of ice-cream trucks and swimming pools, and rainy days of Risk or walking through the creeks- (euphemistic term for drainage ditches), and I felt good. Autumn Sundae – A well placed title, that automatically makes the reader like what you like, and creates for us the Shenandoah autumn. ~ Ablaze, - Mary, I have met so many who have never seen a “real” autumn, that is “ablaze” as you describe. There is the multicolored leaves and salient breeze. Ablaze carries with it the impulse of living, of life, of character, well chosen word. cinnamon flames – It is the mix I think, of the burnt sienna wink with the orange and yellow framing, and in the wind, certainly the flames sing the song of winters advent. A celebration time is pertinent to the season, and its regale. lap at blueberry skies. – I took a short walk to watch the tinted sky, different from the less angled sun of the summer, and that deep “retinue” of sky to clouds- to tint, is almost as much a pleasure as the season. Vanilla veiled peaks wear whipped cream garnish. – garrulous I say, simply garrulous, the opulence of the view, and the view topped with richness and character. I watched clouds with my son, and there are still the inhabitants within. Mary, thanks for a delightful view!!
This Poem was Critiqued By: stephen g skipper On Date: 2005-11-09 18:05:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Mary i dont normally review as i'm not that confident a poet to judge/pass comment on anothers words....but This i love! I'm there with you, you have given me a delicious vision of what you see (feel as if i'm there with you) The contrast of the burnig maples reaching into a cold blueberry (love that usage) sky is very strong! comparing the mountains to an ice cream superb. (i could eat these words) usage of the word garnish its great! As i said dont know enough about the style to comment on things such as count etc but reading this has made me want to read more, such a lot said in so few words! This is really lovely and it took me away from my world and let me glimpse yours thank you steve
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-11-08 16:39:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary, Your count is right on with your cinquain, at least for me. Some may say that the words ending with "ed" should have the "ed" counted seperate, however, I disagree because that is not the way we speak so I don't feel they should be counted unless it sounds seperate.....OK, I know that was as clear as mud...LOL. I love your imagery, never thought autumn could make me hungry, and I like how you called it a Sundae, like the ice cream desert instead of the day of the week. I apologize if I'm rambling, this put me in such a brighter mood than where I've been all day..... Thank you so much for this DELICIOUS afternoon treat. Warmest always, Lora
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to Database Page!