This Poem was Submitted By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2006-01-10 06:55:19 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Open Up
Let's hold hands, as we run
along the pearly beach
Entine our lives, as we laugh
and make a desparate reach
Grab a hold, of ancient times
while we pass the cliff
Will hold you high, adoring you
I make a reckless lift
Take me too great places
I've not been before
Take me to where your heart will live
just open, up the door... |
|
Copyright © January 2006 Thomas H. Smihula
Additional Notes:
Something written so long ago...
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2006-02-06 13:47:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Thomas
This is a passionate plea for more life, for a life lived more fully. And it always seems so close, just beyond the door.
This is neat and tidy. As good as this is, I think the last one of yours I critiqued had a bit more unity to it. But then again, what sometimes feels here as a little choppy might just be your exuberance in the pursuit of life.
Regards
Mark.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2006-01-23 12:57:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.20000
I like this one a lot....so much I wish you would continue it and make it longer. But of course that's up to you. The flow of the poem isn't perfect but that's not important. The lines are still intriguing and original, and I connect with the desperate feelings of human emotion tied into the peice. I especially like the lines "...Will hold you high, adoring you....I make a reckless lift" including the previous rhyme. My suggestion would be to embellish between the second and last stanza and allow the final stanza to remain the conclusion. Just a mere suggestion..great potential here; run with it.
- B.G. Petit
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2006-01-15 17:15:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Thomas,
How can I pass this one by? It may have been written long ago but
it has weathered well. Your end rhymes are spot on and the unforced
meter has my toe tapping.
I see some tiny things and I'm mentioning them because this lyrical
piece is highly publishable. Delete the comma in Stanza 1 and the
comma in S 4. Delete 1st comma in Stanza 2 and Stanza 4 has a typo
in line 1 where too should be to. In line 3, delete the "to" which
evens the meter.
I know this is really nits (ask Marilyn about my nits) but an editor
will trash the poem because he likely has 200 submissions and will
print only fifteen. Any poem with errors, typos, anything that needs
changing, will give you a bounce note.
Get your Poets' Market and find a home for this little gem. And, before
I forget, desparate should be desperate. I'm not acquainted with the word
ENTINE and I cannot reach the dictionary so mayhaps you will share the
import with me in your reply.
This poem enchants me. Now get busy and send it out.
Best wishes, Thomas,
Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-01-10 15:00:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Take more care, Thomas, in short poems, to avoid spelling errors and
figures of speech that, though common usage, can ill-effect the impression
of poet as "word merchant". "Ent(w)ine", to "great places" and, just open the
door, instead of, "just open, up the door...". Grab hold..., if you must, Grab ahold.
Poetry is all about compactness. Only expansiveness is otherwise appropriate
and, only that, when their is some reason for it. There could easily be an
opportunity for you to do that here with something modifying "cliff" instead
of causing the reader to wonder are you passing under or by this cliff in
question. As well, you might capture for us what inclines you, the poet, to
be this wonderful gallant...what draws such fascinating ardor. And that might
draw us, the readers, more in to this poem.
JCH
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!