This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-08-08 06:19:46 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Voyeur With her feet covered by pebbles
In the sand, she appeared
Cradled in the arms of deception,
As her life ran in water color.
She was astray and somehow
Vacated in her own guile.
She toyed with passion at
Twilight and was left shaken,
Like the tumultuous sea
When light breaks.
I stood in the rocks unseen and
Blazed upon and watched.
Then it was I who felt her
Pure exhilaration before death.
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Copyright © August 2006 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2006-08-13 10:30:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I like that : life ran in water color. It is so apt. Nothing in life runs smoothly does it? All runs together. And the rocks and the sea bring about harder times, and salt to rub in the wounds? Was wondering if this was a dream. This morning I had a dream that awoke me, about a neighbour that called (the voice was clear) and asked,"This is Don. Arnie is that you?" I have yet to go see him.
You wrote: stood in the rocks. ?stood on the rocks.
Thanks for this thought provoking piece.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-08-12 10:43:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn,
A very different type of write for you, most enjoyable. I am in awe of this accomplished smooth flowing work, of your thought patterns with this piece and of the window through which you've provided us a viewing. I can not pick just one line that spoke to me most for they all belong as one...looking forward to seeing more of your new style. A rose for you "M, Lady".
Warmest always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-08-09 17:35:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
It is an interesting device, to project a point of view within and
without (title and ending) that is that of the poet/writer. Even to
have something of an action core (as in a play) come to rest itself
in finality upon the same.
Voyeur in every way.
The phrase, "Blazed upon" is abstract while the rest of the poem is
not. Such a thing hits the reader like a kink in a bicycle chain. I
would suggest changing that.
Other than that, the poem is an expressionist water color itself and
has the artistry to match. The imagery created in the mind while reading
it is wonderful and expansive. I like it very much.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2006-08-09 12:16:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
mt--The whole write is sensuous in its personification: title/theme/tone
of this naturesque gem is captivating and true to the "coign of vantage"/
verbiage;
"I stood in the rocks unseen and
Blazed upon and watched."
Scribe's vividness creates chill bumps with imagery of this alluring sequence
of phenomenona;
"Then it was I who felt her
Pure exhilaration before death."
In my opinion, this is the a superb metaphoric depiction of the transition from
night to day. Sorry, if I've mistated your intentions. A surreal work. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2006-08-08 10:55:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn,
Now you're talking. Can't tell you how much I love "[v]acated in her own guile." But I can tell you, without a proper quantification: I love that line. I also like the personification of "deception" - the first two stanzas are very fine. I love that "shaken" in stanza two also, echoing the earlier vacation. :)
Post this at the Pub.
A nice dark thundercloud, this one. :)
Mark
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