This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-08-26 09:38:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The Cellar

In this dark, dank, cellar I sit crying the tears of the innocent My crime, this time, spilled milk yesterday he struck for another ilk The mighty cage of his ribs heave  but he moves with unusual speed I stare at the candle‚Äôs hellish glow and feel pain from his fracturing blow Above me I hear his staggered footsteps as I wonder what he really expects I hear springs groan as he sits on the bed and dolefully think of tomorrow with dread.

Copyright © August 2006 marilyn terwilleger

Additional Notes:
written after reading about an abused child

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2006-08-28 20:39:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mazza If not for your note, I was happily (?) thinking was about an abusive spouse. Again I have to note an increased depth and complexity to your work, which I really enjoy. Good to see you pandering to the demands of your audience :) . This line jarred, however "yesterday he struck for another ilk". It's the kind of line that, I feel, one would like to keep because it has an interesting cadence to it, but what appears to me to be a lack of "sense" overpowers its utility as a "nice line." "Staggered footsteps" (as oposed to "staggering") however is very nice, as it unexpectedly implies an intentionality to the behaviour which tries to pass itself off as randomness and unpredictability. Two other lines seem to me need some tweaking: "as I wonder what he really expects" and "and dolefully think of tomorrow with dread" ... they are both a bit "ordinary". I'd suggest playing with the diction to play up the sense, in contrast with my feelings about "yesterday he struck for another ilk", which seems to need playing with the sense to play up the diction. Sorry if I sound picky. Overall I realy like it, but think it would benefit from some tweaking. Lotsa MAH

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-08-28 15:02:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82759
Marilyn, So a serious issue that definitely needs to be addressed instead of swept under the carpet so to speak. You've done such an admirable job with this well penned write; and all just from reading an article... Your writing sent chills down my spine as I pictured the isolation, the solitary confinement that often follows a ev normal childhood event that is filled with the pitfalls of abuse. I will never understand the abuse of children regardless of the reasons that cause it... Enough, just let me say this is a well laid out and accomplished piece that will imprint on all who read it. Bravo, kudos! Best always, Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2006-08-27 06:59:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, Wow, you really climbed inside the mind of this one! I might have thought this was a personal account without your note. Nice end rhymes and slant rhymes. The couplets work perfectly since it's a dance between an abuser and the abused. Love the imagery of the "mighty cage of his ribs," which shows he is more of a prisoner than the abused. The tension builds with the darkness, the casual mentioning of beatings, and the dread of the coming beating tomorrow. You nailed this one, Excellent! Of course, I wouldn't expect any less from a poet such as yourself. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Warm regards, Don
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2006-08-26 10:42:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95000
marilyn--A gutwrenching persona poem (poet writes from the viewpoint of a- other person or thing). This, in my opinion, is the most horrific of man's misdeeds: the abuse of children. These couplets are vivid in their rendering of what has become the "status" or "status quo" for many youngsters.The rimes and verbiage fit well the title/theme/tone of this somber offering. Thanks for addressing this undesirable social issue. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2006-08-26 10:26:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
At first I thought it may be about you and/or that child they recently found in Europe who escaped her captor after 10 years. yesterday he struck for another ilk I find the above line a bit awkward. Perhaps you can re-do it? Definite touches of empathy here written in two line format which brings out the most in the short space.
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