This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-10-14 15:54:33 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Hopless Light (Rime Royal) I stood beside the pulse of wavy seas
and listened for the sounds of muted oars.
I felt the breath of twilight’s bluest breeze
and heard the voice of sandy yellow shores,
my heart was lost because you left the moors
and sailed ships astray in deepest night
I waited your return in hopeless light.
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Copyright © October 2007 marilyn terwilleger
Additional Notes:
This poem is a Rime Royal. There are 7 lines written in iambic pentemeter. The rhyme scheme is
aba bb cc
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-11-05 21:38:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62500
Marilyn,
You are getting sooooooooo good.
You follow 'the rules' and still spit out a good piece.
To me, that deserves a big hurrah!
Your emotion slips through all your works.
Good going,
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-11-05 20:38:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn,
this is a fine piece. The vision is complete, both of the sea farer and the longing heart. Once you reach “hopeless light†there is little else for us to do but to watch the waves beat home.
“left the moors†sets the moment to a place both Irish and alive. I think “sandy yellow†can use some editing. It is .. quaint, but overused- I have read your verse- there is so much passion within, I am sure you can exchange the phrase-
and of the “hopeless light†– the “muted oars†carry this verse to another place. I can hear the “lost†because he/she left.
A passionate piece, an excellent read.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-10-18 11:16:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Good Morning Poet....first of all I want to thank you for the notes........always a pleasure to find your work here on the link and this one is no exception. Well presented, enjoyed the images and memories you created with the flare of your pen. My memories take me back to being a teenager and my dad going out in the boat. He has been gone now for forty two years..........wonder if there is a typo in the title Hopless......Hopeless? Just wondering.......love the sea so I certainly love the thought of pulse of wavy seas and muted oars......I felt the breath of twilight’s bluest breeze
and heard the voice of sandy yellow shores,(beautifully done).....thanks for posting this great piece, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul H. Roefs On Date: 2007-10-17 00:39:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.00000
Marilyn,
I have never seen this a rhyme scheme before and I find it very nice to read. Your imagery
is great. I can see her there waiting for his return. Each day of waiting brings less hope
of that moment at which they would be reunited.. I want to thank you for your description of the
the rhyme scheme. Perhaps I may try to write a poem in the format. Thank you for your poem and for the wonderful metaphors used throughout this writing. God bless you, Paul
This Poem was Critiqued By: Naome James On Date: 2007-10-15 16:32:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Thank you for the notes on this style of poem. It was helpful in understanding your scheme. I always like to hear of different styles of poems.
When reading this, I found myself at the shores edge waiting for something/someone to return...you have created a very eloquent piece.
Thanks,
Naome
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-10-14 19:44:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
Simply delicious in visage and perfect in form/count...This was a delight to read and definitely brought an air of soft wistfullness to the fore, very enjoyable.
Best always,
Lora
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