This Poem was Submitted By: Rene L Bennett On Date: 2010-01-12 01:56:59 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Waiting I fooled myself to thinking
I'm a better person than you
I wear this mask of ego
cause it hurts to see the truth.
This pain is necessary
when growing towards the light
with every dark discovery
strengthens what is right.
Waiting for the day
when I've got the courage enough
to say help me.
Kill my inhibition's.
It's not that I admit them
I'm not a victim
It was just easier that way.
Heavy with frustration.
Learn to let it go.
There's a different compensation
than the ones I used to know.
So, what am I afraid of?
This fear is a disease
Preventing any progress
to evolve beyond my means.
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Copyright © January 2010 Rene L Bennett
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2010-01-24 19:47:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Rene, your sentiments are well understood in this poem of woe however I do feel that your poem would fare better if you'd tighten it up; remove some of the superfluous words that don't add to your meaning and only make your poem wordy. I do sympathize with your thoughts and feelings, they are true and well understood. YOu've conveyed your thoughts very well. Thank you for the read. LOra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2010-01-17 03:29:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Rene,
This poem reads like an entry in a diary, it is the writer talking to herself. If you provided specifics for all the generalities, created imagery for words such as- light, dark, right, fear- you could create a poem that might reach others with new insight.
That the suffering is real, no one would question. But how does this differ from others who have written similarily? If you would give all your ideas- imagery, metaphor, simile, anything to bring the readers poetically to your own unique view of things, then the poem would be more successful and the readers given more understanding into what the poem is about.
Terry
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-01-15 09:43:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Venting out pent up emotions is good for the soul. God knows I've done it so many times. Your poem is a work in progress, with self insight on changing for the better. It's a good poem, but I did hesitate in some areas while reading it - and I think it's because I can relate to the unnecessary words included that take away from the context of the poem.
If you omit a few of "the"s...It - like this:
fooled myself to thinking
I'm a better person than you
wearing this mask of ego
cause it hurts to see the truth.
pain is necessary
when growing towards the light - I would change this - to with growing...and when every dark discovery
with every dark discovery
strengthens what is right.
Waiting for the day
when I've got courage enough - Anticipation, with acceptance shown.
to say help me. - I would strive for something with more impact on this last line.
Kill my inhibition's.
It's not that I admit
I'm not a victim
It was just easier that way. - Another line to reconsider - I understand the message but think it could be worded differently.
Heavy with frustration.
Learn to let it go. - You gain in positives here -
There's a different compensation
than the ones I used to know.
So, what am I afraid of?
fear is a disease
Preventing any progress
to evolve beyond my means.
You have the right thoughts - the right idea - my own personal opinion would to edit some of this and re-post -
We can only learn from our mistakes, but you have now learned - and want to grow from this to something better.
Thanks for sharing, I hope you don't mind that I reviewed this with notes on improvement -
blessings,
Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-01-14 17:37:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Rene,
I have read this poem several times and each time I come away with a different interpretation. What I do feel is the pathos and frustration in the lines, and most likely what lies between them. It is a good free verse poem which has an occasional end rhyme, which may not be intentional. In your line...So, what am I afraid of?...You could say 'why am I afraid' and that will get rid of the word 'of' which just seems to dangle out there. Well done.
Best, cheyenne
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