This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2011-01-28 12:19:42 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Here - After

like last weeks pizza crust left forgotten, dried, insignificant; stale words fill empty spaces, and night’s cover lays heavy on my chest there is no refuge from memory I long for twilight, when winds are weak, to stand; a crumpled castle of sand only an arms length from sky waiting for deliverance when spring exhales across meadows and dreams ride moonbeams to your eyes your tongue writing symphonies on my skin each breath a moment in the soft dulcet tone of your glance I am unbound, my soul to take atop soft clouds of illusion and laid…    upon warm palms of earth       before Eden elopes with dawn                       â€¦to rest. ©Copyright January  28, 2011, Mad Moon®, all rights reserved

Copyright © January 2011 Mary J Coffman

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2011-02-14 07:38:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Sensual elegance, your trademark, my dear. I would suggest one change regarding "...dulcet tone of your glance". Mixing the senses up like this in not necessary for your success here and jerks the reader. Smooth it out where you don't confuse the attributes of one sense with another. Simply no gain by doing it, especially within any sensual context. But everything else is beautiful. JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-02-05 14:31:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Mary, I love this! This is incredible poetry ~ your words glide smoothly down the page. the images you paint with your pen press into my imagination and i am carried away into the here-after. absolutely exquisite. I am at a loss for words, for you have written this so beautifully. I don't even know where to begin. I wouldn't change a thing! I love how it starts with a concrete image of pizza crust and transforms into more dream-like images like soft clouds of illusion. Splendid! Thank you for posting this. Mandie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2011-02-02 17:29:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary, I think you had another posting this month and it's gone..... drat I looooovvvved it. You write romantically flavored and it is delightful. Love you work. Very fresh! Thoughts new. Good poetry from my book of responses. Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-02-01 17:09:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62500
Hi Mary, The imagery in this poem is outstanding. I found the words to be sensual in content and theme is beautiful. I do have on suggestion. In your third line I think you should drop the word 'and' to the next line for smoother enjambment. Well done. Best wishes, cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-01-31 09:33:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Great imagery. So many lines pop with it. I suggest you use capitals for the beginning of lines and punctuation like a period after "chest" and "memory." You use commas and even a semicolon so I think it is more fitting to use it throughout the piece. The first five lines are well crafted and have an easy meter. The emotion painted is palpable like the "crumpled castle" but I get confused when the narrator changes up that emotion with "waiting for deliverance." It is an abrupt change from the "stale words" and lack of "refuge." What gets the narrator to that point of change? I really liked these lines "and dreams ride moonbeams to your eyes / your tongue writing symphonies on my skin." The first half is completely different from the second half and I think why the narrator changes is needed. Overall it's good and you have a gift for imagery.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-01-30 13:12:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Mary, poignant, very poignant. From S1 of “dried, insignificant” pizza crust, comes an intuition of meals (life) in the past. In S2 you bring home the tale that all lovers know, of “no refuge from memory”. I guess it’s not only lovers and lost love, but of losses that equal the furor of the soul. I recall my best friend Marilyn dying, to this day it hits me like the tears of every lost love. S3, we join you in the dragging by- waiting for “twilight”. Not only from the possible relief but as you go on in S4 “waiting for deliverance”. Dreams are an action for the sore of heart, a promise for recall, whether one awakes in euphoria past or tears of desire. “Moonbeams” and “symphonies on my skin” draw the reader to join you, to empathize with the feelings shed. The “dulcet tone” of S5 where a “glance” unbinds “my soul to take”. “illusion” and not intrusion, a marketable image. Finally, in S6 we share a dream with the writer, of respite and hope and rest. I find this piece to be rereadable, and a go to read when the soul requires empathy and hope. A very fine read.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-01-29 09:46:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.30000
Mary this is beautiful! Inspiring and breath taking words that capture the essence of an event with imagery that is outstanding. There is so much in this post - the delivery of pizza dried up, the constant thought processing that goes on, what you yearn for but can not find peace in, and wanting a release from this hold on your life and doing everything with your artistic form to console yourself. Last two verses really stand out as accomplishments with unique verbiage and strengthens the poems ending. Kudos to you for writing a poem that will help others as it helps you as well. blessings, Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2011-01-28 18:35:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary it is so very good to see you, you are missed. Your poem is so delicate yet in its mournfull cry there is such love, such compassion and then the yearning, the spirit craving its own...wonderful and I'll ride those clouds with you, share my rainbows and stars also. This reaches inside the reader and becomes one with the reader leaving a sense--no a feeling that has no name or description beyond what you've given in your words. Many blessings to you, I can make no suggestion for change for perfection needs none. Lora
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