This Poem was Submitted By: Traci L DeGraffenreid On Date: 2003-08-01 17:52:26 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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My Alter World The world is not mad, no voices converse
Sanity is not a thing I rehearse
My mind doesn’t wander through unearthly miles
My mouth doesn’t long for poisonous vials
My dad is not buried, and I’m not undead
No one is waiting to mess with my head
I am not scarred or bleeding today
My heart simply weightless, no fear to convey
My arms do not know a straight jackets hug
I’ve not been discarded by merely a shrug
Free to be sane and cherish my friends
Free to be me and not Ginger Lynn
Free to explore and discover myself
No knowledge of poisons found on a shelf
A daddy to love and to take care of me
Soft silky skin that others can see
Headstrong and smart, as clear as a bell
Fearful of nothing, no secrets to tell
Someone to hug who will not pull away
and someone who loves me and wants me to stay
This is the world I find in my dreams
A world where reality is not what it seems
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Copyright © August 2003 Traci L DeGraffenreid
Additional Notes:
This was written by me, pretending to be someone else. :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-09-02 15:25:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45833
Traci, Your title really makes this poem. I spent the whole time I was reading your poem experiencing all of the things you claimed not to be experienceing. Sanity is not a thing i rehearse was my favorite line. Your strucure really adds to the message here. The rythmic rhyming stanzas are just right to evoke the surreal eyriness of this poem.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-09-01 22:25:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.29167
Can I come too? This sounds like my kind of place.
If theres anything I've learned in life
it's that we all have our crosses to bear.
I like what you have done with this, Traci.
"My Alter World " --nice name
Your rhyme scheme, structure and meter are good.
You don't mince words and you don't waste words.
This is very cleaver and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks for the read,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-08-29 02:33:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.65000
Hi Traci,
I’ve been reading this again and again, and I can’t help but not to comment on it before the end of the current month. It has this unique attraction to readers that I can’t understand. It’s probably the strong, powerful and truthful images you tried to picture here. Very unconventional and exceed beyond your usual “sweet” poems.
“My Alter World”
--- The title alone is mind-boggling and attention grabber! It works effectively with me!
--- I also observed that you follow a rhyming format (AABB). Again, I appreciate your strict discipline on following such structure. You are such a traditional poet.
In your first stanza, you have immediately set our focus on your perception of life in general. How the relevance of “sanity” and your “detailed character” affects your senses and behavior.
You keep on mentioning about your “Dad”, and I can feel that his presence no longer exist and in your “Altered World”, the freedom to be with him is infinite. I can feel how very close you are to him and to escape the harsh reality of life is a momentary joy unmeasured. I like the sincerity of the line “No one is waiting to mess with my head”. It shows our frailty as human. Adding the “straight jacket” is a clever thing to include especially on supporting the subject “sanity”.
“This is the world I find in my dreams
A world where reality is not what it seems”
--- I believe this is my most favorite part. For you have summarized everything your heart feels. These wishes may be perceived as something childish but these are the facts of life. I think everyone have their own “wonderland”. It only shows how “human” we are. I like your additional notes: “This was written by me, pretending to be someone else” :). With a smiley face at the end of the statement, it only shows how aware you are with the “fantasy” and “reality” world. At least, you can detect the demarcation line between the two. I find it no harm to daydream with our desired world once in awhile. For it makes us stronger and reminds us of how blessed we our, with the things we have for today. It makes us value our family more and our surroundings.
Kudos on your powerful work here Traci! You never fail to entertain us with your ideas and subjects! I can sense the personal touch of the author. Again, thank you for posting this for us to contemplate! I sure enjoy the read!
As always,
Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-08-19 09:59:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Poignant and real, this is really a sensitive and well written personal poem, Traci
My Alter World
The word "Alter" does not really work as a noun here.
The world is not mad, no voices converse
Sanity is not a thing I rehearse
My mind doesn’t wander through unearthly miles
My mouth doesn’t long for poisonous vials
this opens with a strong dramatic punch
My dad is not buried, and I’m not undead (WOW)
No one is waiting to mess with my head
I am not scarred or bleeding today
My heart simply weightless, no fear to convey
[As powerful an ironic description of despair as I have ever read]
My arms do not know a straight jacket['s] hug [interesting verb-hug]
I’ve not been discarded by merely a shrug
Free to be sane and cherish my friends
Free to be me and not Ginger Lynn
Because we [at least I] do not know who Ginger Lynn is at this point the name seems
out of place and stops the movement
Free to explore and discover myself
No knowledge of poisons found on a shelf
A daddy to love and to take care of me
Soft silky skin that others can see
The "daddy" part is much more powerful than the wish for nice skin, I would like to see those last two lines reversed.
Headstrong and smart, as clear as a bell
Fearful of nothing, no secrets to tell [to tell? I think
perhaps you shold find a rhyme with "keep." It is clever
to say "secrets to tell" but it is lighthearted and so not
in keeping with the serious nature of this piece.
Someone to hug who will not pull away
and someone who loves me and wants me to stay
This is the world I find in my dreams
A world where reality is not what it seems
Good dramatic ending!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-08-14 08:19:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.06897
We all have another world we might want to live in my friend.....one that has no pain, no sorrow, no hard choices to be made but unfortunately that is not reality.....today is my dad's birthday and he would have been 94 if he did not die forty years ago.....I would definetely paint him alive in my other world since myt mom is still here at 92....can you imagine? I can.....love the way you structured this too and the choice of words that bring yor other world to life....good job.....images do reach out and touch one's soul......would be nice to make our dream world a reality....thanks for posting, be safe, God Bless, Claire
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