This Poem was Submitted By: Cindy D. Clayton On Date: 2003-08-05 19:25:12 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Love's Equated Opposites The ferocious energy of this emotion,
Vicelike in its style and temperament,
Compels me to act,
Yet leaves me etenally still.
This dual enlightenment in life and love,
Live segregated,
In unison.
My token possession hold the keys to my release,
The locks of my bondage.
In the very deprivation of isolation do I truly discover what it means to be desolate.
You define my aloneness by completion. |
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Copyright © August 2003 Cindy D. Clayton
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-09-07 10:49:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.67857
Hi Cindy,
Wow, another splendor! I can’t help but not critiqued on your another beauty in poetry, this one just caught my breath away! You write with such grace and easy flow.
“The ferocious energy of this emotion,
Vicelike in its style and temperament,
Compels me to act,
Yet leaves me etenally still.”
--- Like water, this one contains every sensation of my love in poetry. You just know how to choose the right words and combine them with perfection. Unforgettable!
“This dual enlightenment in life and love,
Live segregated,
In unison.”
--- The contrasting meaning of “dual”, “segregated” and “unison” is very appealing! Your work is truly an aroma in poetry! Full of life!
“My token possession hold the keys to my release,
The locks of my bondage.”
--- Invitingly magnificent!
“In the very deprivation of isolation do I truly discover what it means to be desolate.
You define my aloneness by completion.”
--- Of course my favorite part! You end your poem with continuous exquisiteness! Lyrically done!
Kudos on your wonderful work Cindy! It’s nice to see a poem like this in TPL, truly this is a wonderful site to behold! You just know how to keep your readers in-love with your work! With so short poem you overload us with too much beauty! I can say enough more! Outstanding!!!
As always,
Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-09-01 14:04:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.26087
Cindy, this oh so nice and I woud not change a thing.
Perfect title for a perfectly profound piece.
I like your words and phrases alot: Vicelike, furociousness. These speak volumes to me.
Dual enlightenment in Life and Love. Live segregated in unison. Yes, so true.
On this rainy Holiday weekend , it makes for the perfect pondering inspiration.
Nice ending too.
Thanks for sharing this.
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-08-18 13:29:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.35294
Cindy,
I keep reading this. I dare to say, it speaks of a bad relationship to me. It haunts me in a been there done that sort of way. When give and take meet and don't compromise - there is no win-win. You made me think alot with such poetic pain. Thank you for posting.
Andrea
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2003-08-16 10:30:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.20000
Firstup: change the sp of "etenally" to "eternally", but you probably picked up on that
one after you posted it, no? I'm famous for that! No biggie. Reader's would miss it
that subtle faux pas anyway, unless they did the spell checkie. In the third stanza,
first line, did you intentionally leave out an "s" after hold? Wasn't sure about that,
as I felt that word needed one somehow, since "posession" was singular.
Not only do you define love as a mystifying array of paradoxes, but you use
assonance to emphasize the "L" in Love. The "L" sound repeats constantly in the lines of
the poetry. Not sure if you intended this, but I went on assumtion, therefore being that
the words containing those sounds were so appropriately discriptive of love, I chose
not to suggest other words to balance out that effect.
I might suggest altering the third line in the first stanza "compels me to act".
Chosing a less general, more definitive word would accentuate the depth of feeling you
seem to want to take the reader to. From the comparisons the reader is convinced that
to love is to inevitably be willing to risk vulnerability. Possibly using one of
those two words "Compels me to vulnerability" or "compels me to take risk". Of
course a myriad of words might break the word "act" down to where it is more integral
with the deep thought process here.
Your style is interesting, going from a 4 line stanza down to one (or 2 ones).
You could also consider condensing it down a bit so there were 4 stanzas as in
the 4 letters in "Love". The second to the lase "one line" stanza could be made into
two lines by dropping the "do". Such as:
"In the very deprivation of isolation
I truly discover what it means to be desolate."
Then follow up with the last one line stanza for closure. Or, combine the 2 2-liners into
a 4 and forget about the 4-3-2-1 scheme altogether, as that wouldn't at all detract
from the piece, and would trim the aesthetics up a bit.
Just some suggestions to consider, but my summary is, this is a great work standing as
it is, regardless. Visually speaking you picked a most appropriate font for this one!
It is a soulful melody of reasoning.
Cheerz,
T
This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2003-08-13 22:29:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
I love painful love poems with an obscure, "non-greeting card" sort of approach. Interesting
phrasing and good word choices. A hint of mixed emotions, highly characteristic of love. The
feelings of deprivation and "aloneness" strike a chord, nothing like a taste of bittersweet.
Elegant
- Brandon
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