This Poem was Submitted By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-09-04 13:05:57 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Tempest Fugue
Soon, I will tell you sea tales,
tantalize you with sagas
of typhoons and cyclones -
yarns so vertiginous
you will fall overboard.
Splat!
Then
I will carry you ashore,
resuscitate you,
until you undulate
in sea rhythms
and become salted
to my taste
Afterward
I will marry you
to adventure
you, who is lounging,
so deliciously,
on the blue couch
hypnotizing my cat
with yarn
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Copyright © September 2003 Rachel F. Spinoza
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2003-10-07 14:42:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Oh my, this is punny and delightful and whimsical. The "Tempus Fugit" (and it does turn to a fugue with all sorts of idea interweaving) wordplay starts us off and the last word, "yarn", is another great pun for both tall tales and a ball tail. I like the way you keep focused on the marine element, from the staged rescue to the "marry you to adventure you" which, of course, is what many sailors used to do.
"Splat!" is such fun. This is a playful and refreshing diversion from the more serious works we so often read or write.
I will carry you ashore,
resuscitate you,
until you undulate
in sea rhythms
and become salted
to my taste
Damn, this is a great passage. Even the "salted" double entendre fits well. "Undulate/in sea rhythms" is sensual as well as visually evocative. "Salted/to my taste" can mean more than one thing, of course.
In the end, there's the blue couch and the return to land, the mundane affairs of living, the calm waters of "normalcy". Yet ... there's that tall tale being woven to please both the cat and the cat's owner. It isn't possible to entirely retire from the wanderlust and the ocean's allure.
you, who is [are] lounging,
so deliciously
The poem itself is delicious. I'm just leaving work, so my time's up, but I just had to comment. Thanks for a great read.
Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-10-01 13:17:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95238
Hi Rachel,
I love it! It is exuberant, lively, lovely and enticing. I find the verbs you've
chosen for this piece especially delectable. The joyous, unrestrained qualities
of this piece are contagious.
Soon, I will tell you sea tales,
tantalize you with sagas
of typhoons and cyclones -
yarns so vertiginous ----WONDERFUL!
you will fall overboard.
Splat!
"tell/tales/tantalize/typhoons" and "vertiginous" are rich with witty 't' sounds
Then
I will carry you ashore,
resuscitate you,
until you undulate
in sea rhythms
and become salted
to my taste
Above, "resuscitate/undulate" are especially luscious, droll and completed with
the sensual suggestion of the lover becoming "salted/to my taste."
Afterward
I will marry you
to adventure
you, who is lounging,
so deliciously,
on the blue couch - "lounging/couch/deliciously" soft with splendid assonance
hypnotizing my cat
with yarn
It's impossible to read this and not become infatuated with the tangy, zesty
promises of "adventure" and playfulness. The "siren" who speaks to the "sailor"
or mermaid invites her into exhilarating companionship and affection. Sometimes
life is very, very good. This is one of those times. (Within the poem, and for
a reader who enjoyed every syllable.) Kudos!
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-09-26 00:06:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.20000
Hi Rachel,
The exotic beauty of words truly radiates in the entire poem! From the title itself “Tempest Fugue”, the wild orchestra of imageries are already visible!
“Soon, I will tell you sea tales,
tantalize you with sagas
of typhoons and cyclones -
yarns so vertiginous
you will fall overboard.
Splat!”
--- I like your introductory word “Soon” for it adds mystery to your already mysterious and sophisticated subjects. I enjoyed the combinations of “sea”, “typhoons”, “cyclones” to “tales”, “sagas” and “tantalize”. The spellbinding-nature of your words is very much evident here!
“Then
I will carry you ashore,
resuscitate you,
until you undulate
in sea rhythms
and become salted
to my taste”
--- The enchanting kiss of your words is mesmerizing! You continuously captivate your audience with your fine choice of words like “sea rhythms” which I enjoyed most! Lyrically done!
“Afterward
I will marry you
to adventure
you, who is lounging,
so deliciously,
on the blue couch
hypnotizing my cat
with yarn”
--- Again, your words allow us readers to submit and surrender ourselves to the power of your temptation. “I will marry you to adventure” is an undeniable force that touches our sensation in a very magical way! You complete and satisfied our desires. Truly inescapable!
Kudos on your fine work here Rachel! This is a smart piece with a lot of mind-boggling ideas but truly entertaining and skillfully done! For me, this is a rare piece of art! You made a complex presentation from a simple and common scenario of life! Outstanding!
As always,
Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-09-25 17:23:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
Dear Rachel,
Oh, Mermaid!
Splat! sure does add a silliness to this poem. Hee.
I will carry you ashore,
resuscitate you,
until you undulate
in sea rhythms
and become salted
to my taste
So sexy.
A very fun poem.
I hear a husky voice.
Jane
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-22 16:56:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55556
Rachel this is so wonderful an adventure filled with images of sea creature carrying off the lady in distress as she sailed off on her little boat.......the water, the mist the sea gulls over head swooping down, all are there within reach......to fall overboard, splat.....indeed you can see the water rise and fall again and hear the body as it touched down......hehehe.....I bet those sea tales are worth sitting and listening to as well.....even in dream form......love the term become salted to my taste.....how deliscious a sound this is to one's emotions.......in closing this has been a wonderful read, strucutred very well and the words, how they just rhyme over and over again, falling into place as this reader travels on....would love to find more if you have any.......thanks for posting, sharing and again, be safe, God Bless, Claire
Rachel, you are one of the most talented writers I know.........
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2003-09-11 10:32:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Rachel,
This is all about rhythms to me. They tie the piece together in sonata form.
It begins Allegro or Appassionato"
SOON: sets the mood,...anticipation of tension - release motif, tantalizing melodies
"so vertiginous
you will fall overboard."
Ending with a Crescendo, SPLAT!
THEN: a development in Adagio carrying the theme forward and recapitulating the
motif via the wave like breath of the composer
"until you undulate
in sea rhythms"
to her musical taste.
AFTERWARD: In LEGATO the motif and the development are "married" and resigned to the
comforting rhythms of the sea blue couch
"hypnotizing my cat
with yarn"
What a marvelous concerto. Congratulation maestro!
Rick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Morales On Date: 2003-09-10 21:33:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
But…but…you don’t have a cat. I remember the blue couch. But you’re not talking about me, are you? Not sure about being salted to your taste anyhow.
Love the title, and the teasing!
Really though, you need a cat. Want me to bring you one?
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2003-09-09 21:58:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
"Soon, I will tell you sea tales,
tantalize you with sagas
of typhoons and cyclones -
yarns so vertiginous
you will fall overboard.
Splat!" [WOW, Rachel, did you ever get my attention here! Splat!, I like that! I do wonder who is the object of your intent here...someone whom you want to fill their head with enough storm sagas, allowing you enough time to spin yarn's web within their mind in order that you might cause them to become dizzy, fall overboard, in order for you to rescue them!]
"I will carry you ashore,
resuscitate you,
until you undulate
in sea rhythms
and become salted
to my taste" [ok, now under your spell, you will have your way with him...this is sensual, I especially like the 'undulate in sea rhythms"/salted to my taste'...[is it hot in here? LOL]
"I will marry you
to adventure [this is a promising statement; as if you are just the one to free his adventurous spirit]
you, who is lounging,
so deliciously, [I like the image here...he, the object of your fantasy, satisfying your desire without even trying or being aware that he is]
on the blue couch
hypnotizing my cat
with yarn" [I doubt that the yarn he uses to hypnotize your cat is as strong as the yarn you spun to capture him in your subconscious web!]
Rachel, you have used all poetic devices expertly; need I say more?
Your use of 'Fugue' in the title indicates to me that you 'in a disturbed state of consciousness, perform acts in full awareness but upon recovery [from the tempest] can't recall your deeds.' Perhaps its a good thing, if he is not yet aware of your subconscious thoughts!
Thanks for the very enjoyable read,
I can't wait to read the sequel!
Beck
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2003-09-08 22:22:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Spino-
It's so dry here the lizards are moving in. Pretty soon we'll have a dustbowl on our hands and someone will suggest moving west. Take care of your cat. You never know who's coming for dinner.
The Right Stuff.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-09-08 18:29:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Wonderful imagery, "yarns so vertiginous..." don't care for "splat" though understand it...seems almost more an interruption to the wonderful flow.
secons stanza "undulated in sea rhythms until you become salted to my taste" sensuous.
like phrase "marry you to adventure"...sounds exciting and inticing.
Original voice and poem...good reading. thanks.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-09-08 18:27:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
What an enormous composition it is. Great title. The warning of the first stanza builds me up. Then you show me how you modify the form to the desired need and structure preferred. Finally you give us the adventure and will stay and follow it through till the end.
Enjoyed this Rachel. How I know you love your cat...lol
Thanks. Tom
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