This Poem was Submitted By: Drenda D. Cooper On Date: 2003-12-10 17:27:27 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Snow ( A Rondolet ) Soft, falling snow
White feathers floating to the ground
In silent flow
'Til rising winds begin to blow
And whirl with wailing, mournful sound
Flurries of fragile flakes around
In sunset's glow.
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Copyright © December 2003 Drenda D. Cooper
Additional Notes:
This is my first attempt at a rondolet, so be kind............I had to write about "snow" 'cause I have rarely seen it.............drenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-01-06 21:30:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
Drenda:
I could swear that I've already critiqued this! I've read it several times,
and admired, and responded with remarks - but only "in my head" it seems!
I hope you won't mind this last minute response. I love this piece!! It
happens that where I live (you may be hearing about it on the news) is
deep in snow - in some areas, blizzard warnings are still in effect - and
the loveliness is breath-taking if hazardous. You used sound like a
master musician here - to great effect.
Soft, falling snow
White feathers floating to the ground - exquisite!
In silent flow
'Til rising winds begin to blow -- splendid assonance of 'i'
And whirl with wailing, mournful sound - and consonance of 'w'
Flurries of fragile flakes around -- WONDERFUL!
In sunset's glow.
Simply lovely in every way possible! I can 'hear' a melody in this,
and wonder if you heard one when you wrote it, as well. You left a
trail of beauty with your words. The rhythm is perfect and the
imagery sublime. If this is your first, I can't wait to read your
second attempt!
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-12-27 10:32:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95000
Hi Drenda!
I just finished reading your wonderful blizard story/poem and now I find a rondelet by you!
You like to dabble in it all, don't you? Well, if you think it's fun to try new forms, I have
to agree. Trying new forms, creating new ways to express ourselves, using language like a
magic wand to dazzle the world is great fun! And I love to be dazzled!
This is actually a "variation" on a rondolet, because you have been extra creative and have
not repeated your opening line on line #3 and #7, which is actually one of the rules for writing a
rondelet. I think by using variation, you are able to keep the piece fresh and retain the readers
interest to the end. I worried when I wrote rondelet, that it would be boring if it was repetitious.
I saw your revised version under this one, but I wanted to commment on this original one before
actually reading the revision so as to get a feel for where you are trying to take us with this.
You really wow us with the fricative "f" sounds of falling/feathers/floating/flow/flurries/
fragile/flakes giving a soft fluttery effect to this piece. I also like the snow/flow/blow/glow
rhymes that your have inserted, making the flow of this piece simply lovely.
Your alternate rhymes of ground/sound/around create a harder sound that when coupled with
whirl/wailing/mournful give balance to this poem in a most pleasing way.
The possible expansion of this piece with your variation rhymes gives a dizzying aray of new
possibilities. So I am now anxious to move on and see what you have done in your revision.
Thanks for sharing this little jewel with us.
Blessings,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-12-16 13:21:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Drenda,
I understand that this was your original piece to
"Snow * Revised into Rondolets*" which I have critiqued already.
Let me just critique this since it appears on my list today.
I have given you some insights on your revision like how the rondelets
appear to me, the form and the challenge it is giving me. So, no more
technical comment here.
Alright, this made me realized that here in the link, we really learn
because of the fellow poets we have here. It is interactive and everyone
is willing to comment and give input to our submissions. This really
a very good ground for us to learn and at the same time to enjoy.
I really love this site, you know.
Thanks for sharing this with us, Drenda. Your presence in the link is also a great
contribution to the life of our beloved link. You know, I am wondering the
number of poem submissions every month is dimishing. SO I need I think to
get more active. I'm just concern. SMILE.
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2003-12-12 09:10:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
D-
I recall trying this in The Forum.
I see that you've done a revision and so will go there to finish.
t.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-12-11 11:29:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Drenda--After a good night sleep, I've changed my mind (please disregard the email).While
not technically a true rondelet, your piece can be readily considered an excellent tribute
to "snow" just as it is written. Dropping of the rondelet moniker, would make this a seven
line true/end rhymed poem.
However, as a true rondelet it's only a tad off (which can be easily corrected). This is a
great effort (regardless if it's the first or the fifth). The rondelet is a bit more difficult
than some of the other forms, but doable. I have taken the liberty of passing along the
information from a site which was referred to me by another fellow TPLer (thanks, JjH).
"The rondelet is a french form consisting of two rhymes contained in a seven line stanza. Line
one is the exact same as the 3rd and 7th lines. The structure is:"
line 1 - 4 syllables - A (the same as line 3 & 7)
line 2 - 8 " - b
line 3 - 4 " - A
line 4 - 8 " - a
line 5 - 8 " - b
line 6 - 8 " - b
line 7 - 4 " - A
*Note; Poet, either of your (three) 4 syllables lines would work great for lines #1, 3, and 7.
My personal choice is the first one: "Soft falling snow."
Problem solved and a perfect rondelet.
As the piece stands, without any changes, I like the music produced by the descriptors/
alliterations in lines #2(...feathers floating...), #5(...whirl with wailing...),
and #6(flurries of fragile flakes...)
Not only does the slant/true/end rhymes (snow/flow/blow/glow and ground/sound/around) give
the poem a conciseness of organization, but in "concert" with the alliterations, they also
add to the nice mellow sound which rolls off the tongue and find it's way to appreciative ears.
P.S. what you've done with this effort is (quite possibly) created two "potentially" outstanding
poems! Kudos for both-smile, and thanks for sharing. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-12-11 09:18:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Drenda,
I am less familiar with the structured poetry then I should be, but this one grabbed my attention and I wanted to comment on it. Snow, we see a lot here, but that is one thing that my son misses by living in the south now. He only wants to see it once tho! He likes the temperate weather down there. (Alabama)
Snow can be lovely, and beautiful to see. I love the first snow of the season, when all is blanketed and sun is reflecting off of it. Then, it goes to dirty slush, then by the end of the winter, we are all ready to have it melt away and be gone!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this wintery subject!
Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-11 08:50:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
No matter how I try to learn what a rhondolet is my friend my cardiovascular problems will not allow my brain to let it all sink in so please forgive me if I am lacking here......I must tell you here in New England I have seen snow, too much at times, when a child I played in drifts ten feet high from just one snowfall.....wonderful it was, tunnels were made and we travelled within them from one place to the next but had to be careful just in case.........your structure looks just fine to me, your word flow brings forth the light snowfall in the beginning and adding to it is the furry of a great northeaster.........those north winds certainly do howl and your presentation allows this reader to see and feel it all. love the ending also in which the snow flakes dance in closing within the sun's rays.......thanks for posting and sharing this with us.....you did a superb job for your first attempt....looking forward to more of the same. Be safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-12-10 18:08:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Drenda,
You certainly did a good job! I like the poem very much. It meets the form of a rondelet, and flows well, leaving the reader unaware it is meeting a form. The imagery is excellent, and it's hard to believe you are not normally conversant with snow. I liked the metaphore of "white feathers" as snow, and the only question I had was if feathers and/or snow "flows". It just caught my attention. I particularly liked the image of the snowflakes whirling about as the wind wailed. I think for a first try, this is at a college level:) Keep on writing them, you're good at it!
Rene
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