Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-02-09 21:29:56 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

Insects and Other Tiny Nations

Once when the light of day melted from blue to silver, a little girl floated away from Earth. She observed tiny beings busy with work, playing in the wind, caring for relations. Earthworms wiggled, black crickets chirped, orange caterpillars crawled, green beetles ticked on dancing leaves, while yellow Monarchs and red dragonflies flew in dazzling displays. And when they all arose to where she waited, they told her tales of all that lived in air, in dirt, in hives - of hopes and tiny homes sometimes poisoned - of bodies pulled apart. Though they understood that they were often food for frogs, birds and other tiny nations, they didn’t know why they were being stomped, swatted and pulled apart. As the child watched, a globe appeared; like a magnet it drew them into a living sphere of insect races. Then Grandmother Moon molded them into a glittering star, a gleaming phosphorous light. Now moths and bees and crickets lit the night and gleamed the sky with prayers and graces.

Additional Notes:
Inspired by "Peace to All Beings" by judy Carman; dedicated to my granddaughter Beatrice. This is a 'working version' and all suggestions are welcome.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-03-07 22:30:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne, I'm out of time, mad at the "system" for robbing me of my weekend's critiquing, and on my way to get some sleep .... but I have to tell you what a delight this is! The visual detail is just so engaging. S2 is like an animated painting of the insect kingdom! S3, the pivotal strophe, introduces an element of horror into this happy busyness. The insects then assume metaphorical proportions and become, well, us. Perhaps a child might not quite grasp the parallel, but we do. The globe that draws in its admirers then offers a hope of redemption, which the closing lines affirm. Harmony is possible, although not always conceivable unless we dream with passion and expectation. I love this poem. It speaks to me, and to all who long for something better than what we've made of our own world. The "living sphere of insect races" seems Utopian and lovely. I've read that insects will survive mammals and eventually inherit the earth. If so, I pray that they will use her well. Gotta go ... good luck with this one tonight! Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-07 12:43:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70833
Oh joanne i am crashing and the review i did of this marvelous poem is gone so let me t csects and Other Tiny Nations great title1 to silver, a little girl floated away from Earth. [small girl-for the rhythm and assonance?} playing in the wind, caring for [family?]. Earthworms wiggled, black crickets chirped, Oh janorange caterpillars crawled, green beetles ticked on dancing leaves, while yellow Monarchs and red dragonflies flew in dazzling displays. WONDERFUL nd when they all arose to where she waited, they told her tales of all that lived in air, in dirt, in hives - of hopes and tiny homes [great] sometimes poisoned - of bodies pulled apart. [yes-that is what they would report] Though they understood that they were often food for frogs, birds and other tiny nations, they didn’t know why they were being stomped, swatted and pulled apart. [find a new way to say this here] As the child watched, a globe appeared; like a magnet it drew them into a living sphere of insect races. [wonderful[] Then Grandmother Moon [too ordinary]molded them into a glittering star, a gleaming phosphorous light. Now moths and bees and crickets lit the night and gleamed the sky with prayers and graces. yep- the just so story poet indeed that is how i will think of you -that and the star-poet great piece..sorry - lost the old reviewi

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-03-07 08:46:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Wonderful fantasy, children will automatically understand the implications, that's because they believe in the impossible. Just a hint Joanne, you have a great opening, carry well the middle of the poem, and close strongly. The one absolute in writng for children is truth, something they know based on the lyrics, or vocabulary relating to their understanding, once we dip away to adult input, we love the children, they like truth in their fantasy. This a great opportunity, for I'm completely taken with the mystic side of the poetry, identifying of how there is a place, a sense of being for every living thing, and you capture the essence of that so well here, your Granddaughter is so fortunate to have Gram, the srtist, the in love person, who acknowledges so freely that life can be, and is a fantasy, just depends on the reader to become completely engulfed in the story, and excellent presentation. In other words this cosmic being is completely in love with your poem. Love ya, Jo

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-26 21:19:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.36667
Excellent with all the interior, slant and ending rhymes, the consonance, alliteration, etc. I would try to "doctor up" some of the imagery. Though quite good, I think it could be stronger in some spots. Maybe some of the color in the second stanza could be shared with later ones, or deleted. Most of us know monarchs [are yellow and black]. And when they all arose to where she waited, - ["And" seems unnecessary; leave the "a" off arose? they told her tales of all that lived in air, - [...tales of what lived...?] in dirt, in hives - of hopes and tiny homes sometimes poisoned - of bodies pulled apart. Though they understood that they were often food - [delete "that"?] for frogs, birds and other tiny nations, they didn’t know - [maybe a substitution for "nations"?] why they were being stomped, swatted and pulled apart. As the child watched, a globe appeared; like a magnet A wonderful rendition. I hope to see the final version. Best wishes.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-02-25 03:55:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Joanne, Always a consistent writer of beauty, of loveliness of nature… You always make it sure that you write in perfection, with quality, truly a winnable entry. Even with the title itself, I know you have spent a lot of time establishing and choosing the right words to bring impact, the best out of the poem. If there is a contest for a title and title alone, your work would also be an undisputed winner. As always, you bring out the beauty of nature. The world (I love how you defined it as “Nations”) of nature out there could be mysterious to others but for you, it is total familiarity. As if you are the lady Tarzan in friends and family with nature. “Once when the light of day melted from blue to silver, a little girl floated away from Earth. She observed tiny beings busy with work, playing in the wind, caring for relations.” --- “day melted from blue to silver” – you have immediately sets the phase / tone of your nature-inspired poem. I love visualizing this! --- “little girl floated away” – I loved the innocent description you created here. “Earthworms wiggled, black crickets chirped, orange caterpillars crawled, green beetles ticked on dancing leaves, while yellow Monarchs and red dragonflies flew in dazzling displays.” --- To add “earth” for the worms, “black” for the crickets, “orange” for caterpillars, “green” for beetles, “dancing” for leaves, “yellow” for Monarchs”, “red” to dragonflies and “dazzling” for displays - it just add beauty to what might be just a common / simple imagery. In short, I find some “specifics” a great add-on, a great color / shade for the images. I appreciate this a lot! This is very clever! You have completely filled our hunger and thirst for imageries. And you are very good with this. “And when they all arose to where she waited, they told her tales of all that lived in air, in dirt, in hives - of hopes and tiny homes sometimes poisoned - of bodies pulled apart.” --- I like how an innocent child, with her trusting observation submits to the “fantasy” stories of these magnificent creatures. I like the use of “air, in dirt, in hives” with “of hopes and tiny homes”, it symbolizes its natural habitat with such delicate touch. “Though they understood that they were often food for frogs, birds and other tiny nations, they didn’t know why they were being stomped, swatted and pulled apart. As the child watched, a globe appeared; like a magnet it drew them into a living sphere of insect races.” --- This is a scene in the “Lion King”, where when Simba’s friend open a laid down bark tree, a world of insects surprised them. “they understood that they were often food” - again, from the quote of Lion King “circle of life”, it applies here. For the “they didn’t know why they were being being stomped, swatted and pulled apart.” – I feel sorry for them and a bit guilty for myself. :) --- the use of “magnet” then “sphere”, then “races”, I can feel that too much “science” words are properly interrelated. “Then Grandmother Moon molded them into a glittering star, a gleaming phosphorous light. Now moths and bees and crickets lit the night and gleamed the sky with prayers and graces.” --- This is magic! I like the use of “Grandmother Moon”, so original, so very you Joanne! Only you can pull this off beautifully and not to sound “trying hard”. To add “phosphorous” with glittering and gleaming just made it perfect. “Gleamed the sky with prayers and graces”, ahhh…just wonderful ending! I’m speechless! You have done it again Joanne! Always entertaining, always with quality, always with a heart! That is what I “always” see in your poems. Always a “more”, never a “less”! Thank you for this! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-02-18 16:02:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.64706
Hi Joanne, After reading this poem the first time I thought 'I wish Joanne and I lived closer together as we share the same love for nature and the beauty God allows us to see' To begin with don't change one word of this beautiful piece of work...I don't know how old your granddaughter is but as she grows and matures she will savor this knowing you were thinking of her as you wrote it. Once the light of day melted into silver...what a lovely image of sundown these words paint. the following are descriptors of living beings living with us that we don't notice near enough! earthworms wiggled, black crickets chirped...perfect adjectives orange caterpillars crawled, green beetles ticked...I never thought of beetles ticking but that is exactly what they sound like especially when you hear them at night on dancng leaves...love this...while yellow Monarchs and red dragonflies flew in dazzling displays....what a lovely array of words you link together to put the reader right there...perhaps sitting on grass watching this orchestra of sound and movement. Then they all arose to where the little girl waited and told her tales of all that lived in the air...wonderful fantasy..but then some of the reality of how cruel Mother Nature can be when all she really wants to do is keep all living things alive and thriving. bodies pulled apart even tho they understood that they were often food they still didn't know why they were stomped, swatted and pulled apart...sad for a grownup let alone a little girl. But back to the fantasy..a globe appeared and drew all of them into a living sphere and Grandmother Moon molded them into a glittering star....ah yes I love the fantasy here which has always been a weekness of mine. The ending...gleamed the sky with prayers and graces' could not be more perfect, sweet, and soft, and beautiful. I even rent chuldren's movies sometimes as my grandkids are all to big to go to them...don't tell anyone!!! I almost cried when I saw "Babe" as I just loved that little pig! Wonderful work which took me on a mental journey that was so much pleasure. Blessngs...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-02-15 18:37:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne: For me, this is a lilting, delightful children's poem with such imaginative happenings and one with appealing insects and "nations." Grand title, IMO, but then you excel with titles! I marked all the poetics (a plethora therein) but was so riveted by the story, it superceded technique until I had read it numerous times. The pace is perfect for adult or child as I couldn't wait to ascertain the next event and the outcome. You asked for suggestions, so I will try and offer a few. I am not familiar with the Carman book referenced. "Once when the light of day melted from blue to silver, a little girl floated away from Earth. She observed tiny beings busy with work, playing in the wind, caring for relations." Great opening stanza and I love the blue to silver notion and every child will love the adventure of a child floating away from earth. Very unique idea, good assonance with the girl/earth/observed/work. The sole suggestion I have here is the use of "relations" seems off somehow and that family, others, tribe members, etc,etc would make better sense to a child. Your word makes me think one of the worms is into PR work. I refer to this as a "children's poem" as I think it would be of enormous appeal to children but like Harry Potter et al, there's certainly an adult audience as well. "Earthworms wiggled, black crickets chirped, ....ecru earthworms??.... orange caterpillars crawled, green beetles ticked on dancing leaves, while yellow Monarchs and red dragonflies flew in dazzling display." Your poetics sing in this stanza, one of my favorites. Line four is unbelievable with "dragonflies flew in dazzling display." Allits (four) are lovely and the idea of a beetle's ticking on a dancing leaf is exquisite. I love that! Of course, there are my hard K sounds, six in all, which make crooked Nekk long to dance with the beetles. (Chirping is the only realistic possibility.) "And when they all arose to where she waited, they told her tales of all that lived in air, in dirt, in hives- of hopes and tiny homes sometimes poisoned- of bodies pulled apart." This is so sad and I know children are sufficiently resilient to deal with the reality of what happens to insects but I'd prefer "destroyed" to "pulled apart." This third stanza is critical to the theme of the poem...the ecological damage we are wreaking...and I can live with "poisoned" but not the precious little-green-beetle bodies torn asunder. And speaking of your theme, this is a great teaching poem for children, to instill respect for all forms of life. You write evocatively, Joanne, for here I am, ready to defend the beetles, worms, etc. "Though they understood that they were often food for frogs, birds, and other tiny nations, they didn't know why they were being stomped, swatted, and pulled apart. ...oh, no! not again!... As the child watched, a globe appeared; like a magnet" Nice enjambment from S4 to S5. Your metaphor of small creatures as tiny nations is so superb! (I wish I had your gifted imagination and Bea is very fortunate!) You subtly tell us insects are smarter than humans...they accept the food-chain concept... but all the needless destruction of lives is senseless. Ta-da! The epiphany of the poem for me because man continues to destroy environmentally and kill other humans if deemed in his best interest. "it drew them into a living sphere of insect races. Then Grandmother Moon molded them into a glittering star, a (glowing) phosphorous light. ...you use gleam in last line... Now moths and bees and crickets lit the night and gleamed the sky with prayers and graces." Great ending; with the help of Grandma, all turns out well. "Gleamed the sky" is a wondrous phrase and one I wish I'd penned. The word "star" seems misleading because of our notion of starness. What do you think of orb or ball or globule, etc, etc?? "and gleamed the sky with beams of flying graces"....presenting another option only. What happens to the little girl? Does it matter to the poem? I think not. Are you going to do a series of these with the little girl floating for adventures and increasing ecological wisdom and knowledge in general? I HOPE SO!! This is simply outstanding and hugely entertaining. I really related to the insects as you so neatly described them and made us care. I mean, I felt ready for war with anyone who would tear apart one of the critters...like pulling wings off flies, just for fun. ARGH! You always have a new idea, a novel concept, a unique slant on a topic which you bring to life for us and in the process, while we were not watching, you have taught a very vital message. This poem would make a lyrical storybook with illustrations, the first of many to be published. You are frabjous and of the TPL royalty. Queen mother, queen auntie, or simply Queen. I enjoyed this as much as anything you've ever written in the same vein. Keep the poems flowing, please. Standing ovation! Encore! Nekk

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-02-14 09:32:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Joanne, You say it is a work in progress? I think it is lovely just as it is. I am sure that the more technical people might be able to find something that should be changed, but probably not. This is a unique insight into a different world. A perspective so totally unlike any that I have read and so interesting, touching and loving. I am sure that your granddaughter loves it. Your colorful imagery in stanza 2 is amazing. You can both see the colors clearly and also hear the tiny insect noises that they are making. To see their existence in a small childs eyes is so distinct! That they are creatures created by God and are here to serve their own purpose in life. God cares for them also! Sometimes I think we as humans forget that, he cares for the sparrow and even knows the number of hairs on our heads! What an amazing concept. The goodness of our Father shows through. I loved the imagery of the "mother" moon creating a little star to help light the world. I just have always thought of the moon ad male. You know the man in the moon thing? Anyway, all this rambling just to let you know how very much I loved this, it flowed, it sang and it made my heart fill with joy. Thanks Auntie for another beautiful inspiring poem. Love, Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-02-10 09:52:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Auntie Joanne, This is a wonderful piece which seems to appear as a legend of stars and other heavenly bodies. This is a working version? Let me see, if I can give a little suggestion, I am afraid I could not! The title "Insects and Other Tiny Nations" is intriguingly cute. It is catchy that way, so I don't think it needs a revision. I read this several times but still I couldn't arrive at suggestions. I apologize... One thing that popped in my mind is the stanzaic format which is a little hinder. But I think the influx of words is grasped already in that format. Anyway, the poem is a fun and as you read it you will get excited and somehow amazed of the story or the legend. It is like a story that a child loves and for that it serves a purpose since this is a dedication to your granddaughter. How blessed she is to have a grandmother like you. I obseved that you have been into tale/legendary poems. Just like last month you have Day Lilies from her Fingers Grow. Your theme is getting wider. And it is a talent to widen the scope of poetry themes. Congratulations for being a prolific poetry writer. Blessings, Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-10 08:04:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Your inspiration has created a wonderful adventure for children of all ages and this is one that belongs in book form with pictures to bring it all to life or even perhaps a cartoon story that would be seen my millions.........wow poet you should think about sending this one out....it does not take much to do it either.....just put in envelopes, address to the major companies and sit back and wait.....but seriously this one is filled with class and character, love it from beginning to end and you do leave us wanting more.....perhaps you might be considering a sequel....your granddaughter must adore it especially dedicating it to her......very special, very nice......good structure , nice word flow, great characters throughout along with images and emotions too for these little characters have a life of their own though small as it might be........and for those of us that sit out in the spring, summer and fall and watch these little critters at work or play........understand where they might be coming from...hehehe..... Grandmother Moon.....how tasty a choice for a grandmother.......can you not see her each night as she wakes and puts her children to bed......lovely my dear just lovely..... Thanks for posting, for taking time to share with us this wonderful story ......be safe and God Bless. Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-02-09 23:39:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
A very airy, dreamy, floating peaceful world you've created. Only two suggestions: Title: Tiny Nations Eliminate the duplication of "pulled apart" by using another term in the second instance: "de-winged" or something! Very nice, Joanne. perfect pedi-poem! t

Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!