This Poem was Submitted By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-02-10 08:42:46 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Falling

The sun is innocent of  the raindrops that fall from heavy clouds to  the raging ocean. Birds are unaware that their dung falls atop roof when they're high above  misty clouds. Workers have no knowledge that debris falls from buildings under construction.  Trees are unconscious that its wilted leaves  fall to the mud. The wife bereaved feels not her tears as they fall from lonely eyes. The flower's unaware that its pollen grains fall and  wooing bees are there to catch 'em. The Physics of free-falling bodies applies to every worldly thing but in the absence of science  my heart still falls hard for you. 

Copyright © February 2004 Jordan Brendez Bandojo

Additional Notes:
Revised. Thanks to Rene, Marilyn, Robin, Erzahl, Mick, Tom, and Claire.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-07 11:18:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69565
Jordan I already critique dhtis remarkable poem once but it seem sto have been lost. LEt me try again before my computer crashes The sun is innocent of  [-the] raindrops that fall from heavy clouds to  the raging [good a assonace with raindrops]ocean. Birds are unaware that their dung falls [on roof tops] when they're high above  misty clouds. Workers [are oblivious to ]  debris [that ] falls from buildings under construction.  Trees are unconscious that itheir] wilted leaves  fall to the mud. The [the bereaved wife does not feel] her tears as they fall [-from lonely eyes]. The flower's unaware that its pollen [-grains ]falls and  [wooing bees arrive]  to catch  each grain [this would make that remarkable thought even stronger] The Physics of free-falling bodies applies to every worldly thing but in the absence of science  my heart still falls hard for you.  wonderful ending which brings it all together.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-02-28 18:24:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52632
Dear Jordan, This is a very different type of poetry. To take the items that you list as falling, and then turn it into a love poem is very unique. I like the images that the stanzas bring out. Falling debris, fallen leaves, pollen, rain. The sun is innocent of the raindrops that fall from heavy clouds to the raging ocean. This sets the stage, from the beauty of the sun high above the storm clouds, down to the raging ocean. I really liked that! The wife bereaved feels not her tears as they fall from lonely eyes. Another powerful statement. It also has a beauty in the words, (hot tears), (lonely eyes.) What goes up must come down, and that is exemplified in this writing very well. Ha! Then you get to the love part, and tied it all in so sweetly. but in the absence of science my heart still falls hard for you. Sometimes there are no explanations for why we fall in love, but it is there and it is wonderful! Thanks for sharing this. Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-25 21:48:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.26316
I'm falling for the artistry of your "pen" in this work. The assonance in "bereaved feels" and "pollen...fall" is great. It soothes the reader with the association with nature is caught near the end, preparing him/her for the surprise ending of your expression of love. I would question ending so many lines with a preposition. Is it intentional to extend the automatic hesitation at line endings? If so, then I apologize and will read this as intended. I have a tendency to attempt connecting the preposition to its phrase immediately. The only other minor detail I see is the "roof". Should this be plural or be prefaced by the article "a"? Oh, well. Other than this, I see nothing needed here. Great piece of work, Jordan. I'll continue to read your poetry - and learn.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-02-19 11:22:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.47059
Wow. Another excellent poem inspired by physics/physical principles. I really like this as a subject matter. It's difficult for me to tire of it. I like this one because it evokes the emotion near the end, and the topic is well fleshed out during the beginning lines so by the end the tension is built up. It's a interesting comment on the lack of awareness we have as humans, and yet the blamelessness expressed here seems only to fall on the shoulders of the animals and plants. They lack any awareness of anything but "law of the jungle" and so do their actions out of not only a lack of perspective, but a desire for survival. On the other hand, the worker willfully does his bidding upon the earth, taking more than is needed. Aside from rant above, it's a very effective poem in many ways. For me, this is a crowning poem of your style. It has all the elements that make your work so enjoyable- the emotional thread that always runs through them, and the inspiration that is so aptly described. Thanks, REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-02-10 18:12:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Jordan, I can't help but not commenting this one again. This is a superb, superb piece! I've seen that you arranged and add some other items to perfect this entry. Again, I "fell" in-love with your first line "The sun is innocent". This alone is already a beauty! You have enumerated the normal (scientific) meaning of "Falling" in subjects like raindrops, bird's dung, debris from construction workers, wilted leaves, tears from a bereaved wife and pollen grains. This enumeration alone signified and emphasized your smart and clever writings. But the most striking and intelligent of all is the last part: "The Physics of free-falling bodies applies to every worldly thing but in the absence of science my heart still falls hard for you." --- The metaphor meaning of "Falling" here is the most unforgettable phrase of all! This has been a common subject about love but you brought great impact and difference! Very original! Again, you never dissappoint! This is a wonderful and inspirational offering for the love month! Keep them coming Jordan! For me, this is a winner! :) As always, Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-10 13:18:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jordan this is now superbly done.........what wonders a little adjustment can do for a read and my friend you have found it all......again, the structure is good, solid and allows for a nice easy flow of the words chosen and the images you created with the flare of your pen indeed bring it all together.....I like the way you changed the ending too.....you have been open and free and have done a great job in your revision. Thanks for posting this once again it has been worth the read......be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-02-10 11:16:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
This is great. Very simple statements set the thesis, create the images necessary for the antithesis and the sythesis (unstated, but obvious). Love. It ain't rocket science! Love it. tomās no mas.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-02-10 10:21:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi again Jordan; You posted your revisions quickly...and apart from the typo, I thought your first version was great. I hate to do this now...lol...but I think a grammatical error exists..."trees are unconscious that its wilted leaves fall to the mud". I am not an English major, but I always thought that its is the possessive for singular and plural would be "their". Alternatively, you could write "A tree is..." Again...forgive me if my advice is incorrect (I am unsure if "its" can be used for plural subjects) Regardless of the minor adjustments, the cadence, imagery and wonderful love story you have created here make this poem a winner. Mick
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