This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-04-15 07:45:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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japanese verse 45 (Stream)

Hidden rivulet Midst the shoulders of mountains Runs to open sea

Copyright © April 2004 Erzahl Leo M. Espino

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-05-06 22:05:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.03846
Dear Erzahl, Another beautiful haiku, I bow to you the King of haiku! This one is so visual and special to me as it speaks of the sea. I love the sea, hope to someday live within driving distance to it. It is so peaceful and soothing to me. Thanks for sharing, it's another good one! Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-05-05 14:49:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.43750
Hi Erzahl; I haven't had much time to critique lately. I do however have time for Stream as it quenches my thirst for images that provoke reminders of days I spent in the beautiful mountains of British Columbia, by the many brooks that were winding their ways through to their ultimate destiny. I loved the image "hidden rivulet" as it is aptly described. Many tiny streams are often not noticeable with the enormous mountain backdrop, or are covered by leaves of branches that overhang obscuring them. This verse is like all your wonderful work, simple, yet with so much detail to comprehend by your use of carefully chosen words. I am very happy that I did not miss this one before the end of the month. Take care Mick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-05-03 18:49:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70732
Hi Erzahl, I love the picture of the stream, splendid! Like the phrase "shoulders of mountains" as well. Erzahl's fresh verses Midst the wonderful garden Blooms to readers' mind Thanks for sharing, Erzahl. Goodluck! Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-20 23:00:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.39535
Hi ee- you march on with your Japanesisms. picking lilac lace wind over your left shoulder suddenly your ear tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-15 19:30:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Erzahl--(it's me again--hope you don't mind!) The middle line 'makes' this poem for me--with its metaphorical shoulders of mountains--actually I've never read a piece with mountains personified before--but it's a great idea and make s a refreshing 3 lines poem. I know syllables didn't allow you to say runs to the open sea--but it's BETTER, it's just 'tighter' and more like the poetry you are representing here. The hidden rivulet, even though it's hidden, we, the reader, can see this, like by some "magic vision"--we see, and is so appropriate to what happens in nature--the little rivulets disappear for a time and then pop up somewhere else. We have those in Wyoming also-- little streams that absolutely go underground for miles and then pop back up, so I can relate very well with your first line. Again, your middle line is the 'metaphorical masterpiece' that draws me irrestibly to this piece. Thanks for another great submission to keep fresh reading always ahead of me. !! Marcia
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-04-15 19:20:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Erzahl--As you can see you've inspired numerous postings of Haiku/Senryu. This is actually good for the site as well as the poets: practice makes the writtings better and the more postings the more popular the form becomes. I like them for many reasons: they helps me to write more compact/ concise and to select more precise words; I enjoy reading and reviewing them for my own edification. Well, enough about your influence and more about this excellent piece-smile. This one reminds me of hiking here in Arizona and finding clear cold springs pools high in the mountains with water trickling down cutting crevices as it goes to lower areas and pooling again. This simple direct verbiage produce quite a visual image for the mind's eye in a straight forward common manner. On the other hand, this could easily be metaphoric for something/someone seeking and finding freedom or release from a difficult situation(s)/problem(s). Still further, I could be totally off base and mis- stating your intentions for the verse. However, I did enjoy what I took from it. Thanks for sharing. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-04-15 13:09:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Erzahl: It is so clear - as clear as the water in "Stream" that your genius for haiku is nothing short of a gift from God. I find this one so inspiring as to defy my ability to describe my responses. In terms of 'critique' - that is, framing suggestions and ideas for change - I have none. In my view, this poem is 'perfection' as it is, and meant to be received as a gift. Such short, intense poems have always been a favorite of mine. It is unnecessary to give the kind of verbose, at length comments that I customarily write for this excellent work. But I will comment on some of the delights and imagery which springs to mind for me: Hidden rivulet Midst the shoulders of mountains --wonderful alliteration of m's Runs to open sea The assonance you employ in "hidden/rivulet/midst" is truly lovely. The i's are like the flowing sparkles often seen in water. There is a hint here that the things which are hidden are often the most powerful; for after all, who or what else "runs" on the majestic "shoulders" of these mineral giants? What other force could traverse these immense formations, gradually deepening the crevices, so that each time the small rivulet "runs to the open sea" a better pathway is made? This poem could be a metaphor for making the effort, though we are small, to pursue our goals, to follow our soul's urgings, even though the way may seem impossible. We, too, have "shoulders" to support our journey. Our Lord gives us strength and purpose; these mountains can be a metaphor for our own "mountains" which can be moved only by our faith, or which we someday can overcome only through faith, just as the small rivulet eventually will join the sea. Perhaps the sea can be a metaphor for heaven. In any case, this poem is "heaven-sent" and for this, please accept my thanks! Bravo!! Superbly well-done! All my best, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-04-15 12:25:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
Erzahl: You may recall that I rarely critique haiku as the construct gives such sparse words to examine. I , being verbose, cannot seem to find the flavor of seventeen syllables. Your metaphoric "Stream" has the taste of creme brulee for me. (My favorite rich dessert). In succint and terse terms, you render a depth (de profundis), an image that can be interpreted in countless ways. Hidden rivulet Midst the shoulders of mountains Runs to open sea I like "rivulet" and that it is "hidden" but with protection from the personified mountains, it bravely runs to the receiving arms of open sea. I see your sibilance, assonance, and read aloud, your vocables are harmonious. However, in "Stream", it is the message/theme which stimulates my spirit. This magical, mystical poem shows the poet has a wild and metaphysical heart, if you don't mind my saying so. Anyone who conjures the feelings of readers in this way shows something about his own character. (IMO). The open sea can be a metaphor for numerous things but those of us enchanted by the sea can see it as sheltering, comforting, and regenerative. "Stream" could represent a person's epiphany...discovering an important truth for the first time, seeing the world in a new light. It is reminiscent of someone's turning on a light in a darkened room. "Stream" might also signify a soul reuniting with God, running to Him as the ultimate optative factor. Your poem also gives me the image of a child hurtling to the open arms of his mother, his sanctuary. I'm reclusive as your rivulet and perhaps that is the reason your words spark such flames within me.` Sincerely, it has been a rare occasion when a haiku captured me in this manner. Don't misunderstand, please; I read every word you write and each of your poems demonstrates the stroke of genius, the skill and art you bring to your writing. But "Stream" absolutely shouts to me from the page. Last month, I wrote a lengthy review of "Fiasco" but it got lost when TPL wavered momentarily. I lack the strength and health to repeat and rewrite at this time when I am not well. I thought it engaging and worthy and it should have placed higher on the winners' list. We all know that the list lists, tilts, wobbles, and shifts according to who has the most voting power and as has been said repeatedly, some of the finest poems do not find an audience. Personally, my poems which I truly love may not do well at all when my poems with less quality/strength jump to the top or even win! Forgive my verbosity of analysis but I needed to tell you of the magic of your writing and particularly "Stream", an exquisitely-written piece. Bravo! Best wishes, Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-04-15 11:38:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Ezrahl, This is nice. The assonance of hidden/rivulet/midst is musical. Your second line builds on the first and clarifies the how of it. And the idea of mountains having shoulders provides an endearing image for this reader. Runs to open sea gives me an image of the sea opening welcoming arms to the stream in a loving bearhug. Very nicely done. Thanks for the wonderful images you've given us within these few short lines. Blessings, Jennfier
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-04-15 11:34:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Dear Erzahl, I can't believe have surpassed yourself...this is the best haiku I have very read! Perhaps it appeals to me so much as I write a good deal of nature poems as I think nature is the one and only contant we cen rely it is beautiful. hidden rivulet...believe it or not I have stood beside and drank out of many mountain rivulets. They are crystal clear, cold as ice, and the taste is so pure that it is difficult to get enough with one drinking midst the shoulders of the mountains.....shoulders is an apt description of the sides of mountains (amazing descriptor) mesas have distinct shoulders as they round down the sides to make a perfect shoulder..why have I not thought of that? runs to open Wyoming we are too far inland for water to run to the open sea all at once. It will usually run into a river which will carry the water to a sea Now you have my atrophied brain smoking...wouldn't it be something if one could trace just one little drop of water from a rivulet, to a river, a lake, or to the sea? I am leaving Saturday for Florida for a week and I should be packing..but how can I with this burning question running through my mind? See what you started!!?? Thanks for sharing this amazing accomplishment with us. Peace...Marilyn
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