This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-04-23 09:48:44 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!
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Copyright © April 2004 Erzahl Leo M. Espino
japanese verse 46 (Hyenas)
Snatching cheetahs' meal
Scavengers of savannah
Chuckle in laughter
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2007-04-05 15:40:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I love the use of the soft "s" sounds throughout this little haiku, which as I think you know is one of my favorite poetry forms. very well done my friend. I am just over here checking some of your poems out. hope you don't mind. Nancy
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-01 07:32:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16418
i hear the desert sigh
a sigh deep to heart
and ankles crack in the stretching dawn.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-04-30 20:29:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.57143
I couldn't help but say hello and comment on your newest haiku. I have come to love this form of poetry and wish to thank you for insipiring me and teaching me love this poetry form.
Great alliteration, and full of imagery and sound.
Thanks for sharing,
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-04-25 00:40:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.64000
Erzahl--This most certainly is traditional/basic haiku: 5-7-5 syllables/three lines/nature themed.
The descriptors definitely fit the despicable hyena. Although sneaky/crafty, this has to be one of
the laziest if not biggest cowards in the wilds, consistently taking advantage after other animals
have worked hard to make kills. And, to add insult to injury, appears to always have a ridiculous
sarcastic laugh before, during and after it's dirty deeds. Thanks for sharing another of your great
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-23 15:25:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62121
Hi [again] on this one, Erzahl. I see you have changed it a little, and you now have my undying support on it. So - there were more than one cheetah. Aha, must be quite a pack of chuckling, laughing dogs, though. Just kidding, not complaining. Thanks for [re]posting.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-04-23 12:06:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
This is funny! I chuckle with laughter as well like the hyenas
but I am not a scavenger ha!
You are so clever on this one! Have you personally seen hyenas
and cheetahs? I only see cheetahs on tv, in mountain dew ad!
Man, thanks for sharing this!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-04-23 11:41:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.30769
Really nice scene setting for this poem, Erzahl but "chuckle" is sort of sweet and I associate it with a baby or self-effacing conservative pundit and it does not, for me, really describe the hideous mocking laughter with which a band of cheetahs greeted me at the San Diego zoo years ago.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-04-23 11:09:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This is a perfect example of why I love reading your poems. With all the assonance and
alliteration of your poetics, you would expect this to be a smooth, flowing piece.
But when I get to 'chuckle' it is more like the effect of a clanging cymbal. The fact
is, a hyena with it's laugh doesn't blend in to it's environment well and you have portrayed
this aspect of the hyena with your poetics. Very nicely done!
I would suggest you lose the capitalization of savannah, unless this is a specific place
you are describing. I assume you are referring to any grassland where we would find a hyena,
but is that correct?
An enjoyable read and I Thank you for sharing this.
As always have a blessed day,
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