This Poem was Submitted By: Carolyn Gale McGovern-Bowen On Date: 2004-06-15 02:22:33 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Electron Self
In Loving Memory of
Malathi Karuven Sandhu
(1939-2003)
~Electron Self~
All is illusion?
We are but electrons knocking about in space
Temporarily seized by earth’s gravitational pull
Taking on human form for reasons unknowable
Living lottery lives of random chance
Subject to the laws of attraction and repulsion
Each mind, body, soul to starve or thrive
To know beauty and hate as destiny ordains
Naturally wired for pure sensual ecstasy
Short circuited by humanity’s ignorance and cruelty
Withered souls cast away like sand in the cosmic wind
Our reborn electron self free once more
To embrace boundless space.
Copyright 2004 by C.G. McGovern-Bowen. All rights reserved.
|
|
Copyright © June 2004 Carolyn Gale McGovern-Bowen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jacob W Roberts On Date: 2004-07-06 20:01:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
As a bit of a positivist mystic, I appreciate this poem's message. I think that playing with the enjambment would make the poem more interesting to read as a poem, rather than just a series of great ideas. The idea being that the poem is about chaos more than it is about order, but the poem itself appears rather ordered, at least after a couple of readings.
Why couplets and triplets?
I also think the more far-out ideas are sort of mismatched with the formal language. Some articles could be removed to call attention to key ideas, like "cosmic wind" S6, L1 might work better without the "the." Perhaps since you're talking about ignorance and cruelty in terms of the random formulation of humanity, just cut out the posessive noun, "humanity's" in S5, line 2. To just say that cruelty exists without an agent would link the randomness you mention earlier to that line in a Sartre-esque way, if that term isn't too pretentious. Perhaps you could then change it from the passive voice, turning cruelty and ignorance into the agents themselves. It would be appropriate since the poem speaks of such large things without mentioning the a loving god there to nurture its creations.
Jake
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-07-01 12:30:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16667
I felt that most of this poem was very free flowing as was the intent. This phrase really tripped me up, “Living lottery lives”. It’s probably just me, but it seemed too clever. It stood out from the rest of the phrases, and I had the thought that it might be a better title or an ending. I hope this makes since. If not please drop me an email and I’ll try state my meaning more clearly. Have you thought about a different word instead of living? Perhaps “animating lottery lives”?
I really liked the message of this poem. The last line felt light, and I am left with a floating feeling.
Thank you for placing this poem where I would have a chance to experience it.
Kay-Ren
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sydney a Walker On Date: 2004-06-23 13:09:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Some interesting philosophy here. I have battled with the meaning of human (our) existence for
years as have many others I'm sure. To think that we are but electrons without purpose and
thrown about and coming together randomly, disturbs me. If there was no purpose, then why don't
we all just loot, pillage and plunder? There has to be something more than just what you
wrote about...at least I hope so. Is there only one electron? Your second to last line "our reborn
electron self......." I think should be plural to "electrons." Okay. Not bad at all. Thanks.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-06-17 00:02:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Welcome. Keep 'em coming. A good read. I got the short down . . . maybe catch you with some pithy next time.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-16 13:00:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Very nice elegy. I see much emotion, then more philosophy than most could place in this many words. Very intriguing poem. Rhythmic. Alliterative. I wonder if it might be even more powerful if stanza lengths were identical, or even if it were a continuum, except the beginning and ending lines. Just a thought. It is very powerful as is, though. I am certain that the recipient would be honored. Well done.
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!