This Poem was Submitted By: Michael N. Fallis On Date: 2004-06-25 15:28:20 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!
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Copyright © June 2004 Michael N. Fallis
INSIDE MY HEAD
As I grow old I canít believe
And wonder how it fits
All the stuff inside my head;
Fragmented little bits
Sometimes I guess thereís just too much;
Spills past my lips from head
Replaced by memories of what just slipped
with regrets for what I said
Sometimes good things will filter out
And make me quite a hero
Sometimes theyíll gush & blush my cheeks
And make me feel like zero
Thereís stuff in there that shines brightly
And Demons in dark spaces
Whichever one works itís way out
Depends on what my face is
I wonder in my twilight
Why my head has not yet burst
As I drink-in every tidbit
With a never ending thirst
What strikes me most in whatís up there
Is not how much it holds;
Itís the fact I thought I knew it all
At just 18 years old!
Just for fun....
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-07-01 11:13:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.57692
Since it's "[j]ust for fun":
I liked the idea of the head holding things. 'Tis true. Sometimes a straw would be better than a tongue. Or a pen. But that wouldn't be as much fun. Quite ugly, actually.
See, critiquing can be "just for fun" too. Good point. Necessary, very, at times. Especially here.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-06-30 16:37:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Welcome to TPL.
I am on a quest to write some short and pithy commentary on the wonderful works here this month. The summer time is a slow time on TPL, so I hope that you won't get too discouraged with the small number of critiques you might receive during this season.
First...writing anything for fun is my passion, so I can relate to heavily rhymed poems like this that reek (in a positive way) of humor.
Your story in a poem of realization sounds all too familiar, yet it is written in your unique fashion and therefore provides me with connecting imagery...form a personal standpoint, I thank you for bringing back the memories...good and bad damn you!
The beats in your rhythm are excellent. The four line stanzas work well...and the painful truth of what you write is cleverly disguised as amusing. I hope to see many more of your offerings.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-06-29 15:04:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.90000
This is now forever a favorite of mine. I loved it!!! It had me nodding in agreement and then it made me laugh out loud. I loved the lighthearted rhyme scheme that I could almost tap my foot to. This is a poem that I can easily see circulating the world in emails. Is it okay if I print it out and read it to my spouse, my mother-in-law and my eldest son, please?
Iím sorry I canít find any thing wrong with your poem. I donít have any suggestions for improvements. I think itís perfect just the way it is.
Thank you for writing and sharing this awesome poem! Iím still smiling.
Karen Ann Jacobs aka Kay-Ren
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-06-26 12:35:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70588
I want to welcome you to TPL as I don't think I have done that...hope you stay with
us! You are right this piece is a lot of fun. I read it more than once and found
myself relating to every line. Why did we think we were so smart at 18? But then as
we grew and matured our parents suddenly became ever so wise. I am a grandmother (married
when I was 12...just kidding) and sometimes I too think there is way too much stuff
inside my head and then some I know is there and I can't get it out....'there's stuff
in there that shines brightly and demons in dark places'..love these lines as the
sound of ringing truth is ever so loud! Your ending is perfect as it personifies the
thoughts of all of us over the age of 18! Thanks for making my day with this witty
and fun piece!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-06-25 17:19:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I've not seen your poetry before today but I've been out a lot myself.
Happy you are here if your poems are anything like this one. Great title:
"Inside My Head"....making me hopeful of a metaphysical journey.
Stanza2, you ruminate about getting all the message, all the musings,
the bits, the regrets contained in one small space.
Sometimes it's worthy material that must be cast aside and sometimes.
it is a sentence here, phrases there that burst and you feel a zero.
S4, line 3: no apostrophe in its.
And you wind down with:
I wonder in my twilight
Why my head has not yet burst
As I drink in every tidbit
With a never-ending thirst.
Your epiphany in the final stanza is sweet as the focus being on how much you thought you knew
at eighteen when the common question is what is there. I hope I got this correct. Your poem
can be interpreted in diverse ways, using differing formats but I like the one you chose.
This is quite appealing to me and the poet obviously does a lot of thinking on the state
of the universe. I hope to find more of same.
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