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This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-11-30 12:24:32 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Autumn Tambourines

Traveling down this long road Flipping pages through my mind The Autumn breeze blows Through the trees Shaking the leaves like a thousand tambourines As I watch the sun reflect off of the gold hues In front of me I feel complete Into it’s beauty I rest An enchanting view the hymns of Angels Serenade around this sight And I move on from this into the night The pages still flipping The night air is cool, While I take a dip into the mysterious pool Of life.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-12-05 12:06:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear DeniMari, This is so refreshing I feel like I could run a marathon after reading it! "Autumn Tambourines" is a lovely name and I can hear the percussion of the instrument as I read this one. I enjoy the way you have the lines in short bursts like the playing of a tambourine, keeping time to the music. And you did a wonderful job tying this all into a book with flipping pages, again short bursts like the music suggests. It is even reminescent of the way this time of year the sun comes through the tree branches creating a strobe effect as we drive down a tree lined country road. My favorite part is where you tye it all to the Creator with: "An enchanting view the hymns of Angels Serenade around this sight" I wouldn't change a thing about this. It's lovely! Kudos, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2004-12-03 09:17:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
DeniMari, a fine snapshot of an Autumnal journey, connected to personal existence, incorporating some wonderful rhyme schemes. Love " Autumn breeze blows through the trees shaking leaves like a thousand tambourines" The short lines paint a quick picture for the reader, and the final "dip" is well done. Enjoyed the entire portrait. Happy Holidays, Peace, Paul

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-12-01 14:27:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni--Some great images produced by these decriptors of a memorable nature trek undertaken by protagonist. I love the simile/phrase; "The Autumn breeze blows through the trees shaking the leaves like a thous- and tambourines" (WOW!). There are other parts that show excellent potential and (IMO)with some tightening, the piece can become an even better read. It is not my intentions to rewrite anyone's effort, but your twenty four line post uses 'the' a total of ten times: at least three of these can easily be done away with, i.e., starting with lines 17 thru 24; Suggestion/Option/Example "And I move on from this "And I move on into the night into the night The pages still flipping with pages still flipping The night air is cool, by air of cool, While I take a dip as I go dipping into the mysterious pool into mysterious life pool." Of life." This is just a SUGGESTION/OPTION/EXAMPLE of what can be done to make some of it more concise/terse. Some times less is better. Thanks for sharing. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-12-01 11:39:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.30000
Enjoyed reading this one very much, lots of images to stroll through my mind, all my tambourines have fallen and need to be collected although the wind is sharing them with the neighbors, now its time for me to return to that mysterious pool.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-11-30 16:37:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear DeniMari: This is delightful! And congratulations on your publication of "New Hope Shopping" which I enjoyed a greatly. I am feeling a sense of pride that it is going to be read by many more. I love this poem, too -- and will make some minor suggestions, but again, please don't accept them unless they fit your vision of the piece. I love your metaphor of "flipping pages" as one goes through life, with intense appreciation and a keen ear for the music that surrounds us. You alert readers of your poems to be present in the moments of life, to the sights and sounds, to the spiritual dimensions of an experience. Reading your poem is like "traveling down" that "long road" with you. Traveling down this long road Flipping pages through my mind The Autumn breeze blows Through the trees Shaking the leaves like a thousand tambourines --My favorite line! Reminds me of the "thousand tambourines of glass" from "Romance Sonámbulo" by Garcia Lorca. A suggestion: trimming extra words, like 'the' or 'is' can intensify the effects of a poem. In L5 above, see what you think of "Autumn breeze blows" or "Autumn breezes blow" without the article "the". As I watch the sun reflect [off of the] gold hues In front of me I feel complete In[to] (its) beauty I rest An enchanting view the hymns of Angels Serenade around this sight--Wonderful! And I move on [from this]--maybe not needed? into the night The pages still flipping The night air [is] cool, While I take a dip in[to] the mysterious pool Of life. It's purely a stylistic choice, I think, rather than a grammatical one, but I would consider using 'in' instead of "into" where marked with brackets above. See what you think. I love where this poem takes me -- with the reflected sunlight on the leaves of trees, reminding me that "the hymns of Angels" are around me at all times -- perhaps most strongly, in moments of beauty such as this. Inspiring and refreshing! Brava, once more. My best always, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2004-11-30 15:03:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.96552
D, First and foremost your title had me hooked. I hoped from that point the “verse” would not disappoint me, and it did not. Traveling down this long road – I have always liked the analogy of movement “traveling” and the passing of life. Maybe it’s just me, but I have never seen time as a “existent as is” rather as a moving, almost living entity. Your seeing this as the “long road” ah, I have been struggling with this lately, it seems to me that road, rough as it has been, seems a little too short for my liking, but a well said metaphor anyway. Flipping pages through my mind - Here is the consummate definition of memory, nuff said, you “nailed it”. BRAVO!! The Autumn breeze blows – autumn, one in their near winter eves, and those breezes from past gone to tomorrows soon to end, warm, yet with a chill. wonderful Through the trees Shaking the leaves – Leaves like the pages that are turning. Each leaf with it’s own setting soon to be known, yet still remaining to the life line. I wonder how well the flutter transfers the leaf from one existence to another. like a thousand tambourines – I though about this line, about clutter getting in the way, of things wishing for attention, as life now shortens so much that much that remains has no chance of arriving, all I know is, I know those tambourines, and I love, and hate the music. As I watch the sun reflect off of the gold hues – I wonder how many false gold memories over time have softened and now bring a smile and are encompassed in the golden hues before my eyes. I feel complete Into it’s beauty I rest An enchanting view the hymns of Angels Serenade around this sight – the beauty of the sunset, heralding the night, but also another, “new” day. Resting in the hands of fate, of “God” if you will, to the hymns of Angels, no doubt in rhythm to the tambourines. Serenaded, I have not this peace, I really don’t have a reference, other than when I am often lost in the beauty that surrounds me. And I move on from this into the night – this I view as your bridge, your transition, and there will be transitions to follow, but the transition is of little value, it is a vehicle, so “moving on” works well!! The pages still flipping The night air is cool, While I take a dip into the mysterious pool Of life. – while I read your poem several times, I found it too familiar, and a bit to close. I love the pages flipping, I love the cool autumn air, I love the mysterious pool of life, and the irony, (a secret only you and I will know), without the spring, all those pages are blank, and the pool has no mystery, and without the fall, one could never appreciate the story. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. thank you for sharing.

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