This Poem was Submitted By: hello haveaniceday On Date: 2005-04-13 18:30:19 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Ever Over

If ever over summerís clover Winged Carolina wrens could stay A moment longer for my brushes I might paint this soft sweet day Enter now the day and breathe it In from homeís false stuffy smells Zest of new and primal scents of Dewy cloud crunch earth and vales Why is this so simple see it Why canít I set self aside Why is there a smell attached To fear adjustment run and hide Make believe I love you lover Make believe we wing along Over gritty cityís sidewalks Over this thin world of wrong One eye sees the safe path taken One eye drifts a wider view Cross them now and you have nothing Clear to set your compass to Back to painting back to seeing Gaps of thought flash huge release Wait I want that inspiration Tell me how to make my peace She is lovely she is simple Seven mouths to feed and train In her nest on my geraniums Tell me wren, sing my refrain

Copyright © April 2005 hello haveaniceday

This Poem was Critiqued By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-05-01 00:30:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.26087
The first stanza truely makes this piece. Stunning! 'over gritty city sidewalks' - wonderful 'gaps of thought flash huge release' - flows so smoothly from the tongue And finally your last line ties it all together. Great work, Audrey

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-04-29 16:44:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54167
Barbara, I love this! While painting: It reminds me of a safely married woman, thinking of missing out on life. So her one eye wanders a bit! For the adventure but not to make change. [mid life crisis possibly] She's torn by the double life. No peace...... Back to painting.... of the mother Wren, dutifully feeding her offspring. lovely, simple, uncomplicated...... But we're complex humans! What catches me is the false smell of home....[that's a tough road to travel] Being true to oneself is always the path. Intermission? Poetry is such a healing tool, use it often. And renewal is your inspiration.... I love your work, it's vibrantly alive as you must be.................. My applause and best wishes, Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2005-04-22 09:34:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This was going along pretty well until I hit the "it" at the end of two lines. I think that needs to be addressed. "It" stops the flow of the piece. Otherwise, a lovely sentiment and construction that fits the piece. Overall one of the better submissions to date. tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Gerard A Geiger On Date: 2005-04-14 12:31:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Barbara: a delightful work overflowing with the exuberance and action of a budding spring. The author as witness cannot help but be sucked in to the experiment..commenting on all the distracting wonderful aspects of the natural world surrounding her while attempting to jump start inspiration. In the close she realizes that the nest of seven baby wrens on her Geraniums is all anyone (she) needs for her inspiration..her grounding,... her refrain. Delightful Work... MY word processing program capitalizes every first word in a line....sometimes I like it ...other times I don't.... anyway you want to do it is fine with me, Barbara... I like this work.... Always your friend, Gerard
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2005-04-13 21:10:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Barbara, This is just musical, should be a hymn. I love the naturally soft tone it has and the way the lines flow into each other in perfect rhythum. I don't think I have commented on your work before. I have been absent so you may be new, if so, welcome to this poetic space. You will love it here. There are so many favorite lines, "If ever over summer's clover-Winged Carolina wrens could stay-A moment longer for my brushes-I might paint this soft sweet day." What a marvelous beginning for this piece. I would say, don't change a thing. Another wonderful line, "over this thin world of wrong" and your choice of "geraniums" for her nesting place is truly special, my favorite red flower, just the word is like a gentle pat on the heart. This is much worthy of the voting list, Barbara. It's been a pleasure to read your work. Best of luck! Wanda
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