This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-26 18:04:18 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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The Times Sleep now
through this century overrated
where lives lie limp
and dreams die
in dormant destitute
unborn
unexecuted.
Sleep now
escape monotony’s bite
where the visionless and vain
and all those contrite
construe mystery for madness
leaving brilliance bitter
and behind.
Sleep now
and romance times raging-
revolutionary
raw, ripe and ready
to revive our insides,
tame the tin tides
and confide
with youth’s devotion.
Sleep now,
leave today for the
hollow hounds
that pound mute sounds
through reckless lips
and pass judgment
through fingertips.
Sleep now
sweet child
unborn
unexecuted-
wake in Tomorrow’s time
Your time
to live free
wide-eyed and in wonder
of what is and will be.
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Copyright © April 2005 Audrey R Donegan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-05-05 12:42:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Audrey,
Let me first say that I'm glad you are at TPL. You bring a new, fresh style of poetry for me, and I love it. We all get so used to reading each other here, and this is the second poem of yours that I've read.
You are a "true" poet. I had to read the first stanza of this poem again because it stunned me so. You are one of those persons that I read 1.) Just because you poetically piece something together that "sounds" so wonderful. Your words are not only pleasing to the ears, but also to the tongue, and I'm not trying to flatter you. This is my favorite kind of poetry to read, and while you write it well, you address issues in this poem so subtly, but yet so abruptly.
It's almost as if you are treading on higher ground with just a little bit of caution. Your words leave readers stung (as I've written in one of my older poems). This is real poetry.
When this poem began, I first thought you were referring to someone who was dead and gone (sleeping through this generation), but as the poem nears its end, I think more that you are referring to babies still in the womb. I don't know what your intent is, but I think that these are two wonderful themes to connect subliminally in the poem. Life and death, infancy and being elderly.
Finally, what I loved most was "sleep now" and how it begins every line, sets just the right pace for the poem. It also sets the mood/tone. I would even use it as the title "SLEEP NOW."
Great job. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope you'll submit this for publication. It's a wonderful, wonderful poem. Keep on writing, and I'll be reading.
Latorial
www.latorialfaison.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-05-03 11:31:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.73684
Audrey:
As I've said before in response to another of your poems, you were born to write!
You may do many other things, but this is something I feel strongly. There is
much commentary on the contemporary scene here in this rather sardonic piece,
but, as well, there is a wealth of poetry-craft and some lines to die for.
These poems do not feel belabored, but sometimes the best poems *seem*
to have flowed effortlessly from the writer's pen, while in reality they
have been revised and reworked carefully, to make every word and syllable
count.
Sleep now
through this century overrated
where lives lie limp –wonderful!
and dreams die
[in] dormant destitute
unborn
unexecuted.
Dual interpretation of “unexecuted” yields many possibilities – not performed,
incomplete, unfinished, not ‘killed’ or put to death. ‘Unborn’ yields potential:
Some life remaining, forming, but not allowed to mature, to birth, breathe.
Poets seem to be the ones who can see and articulate the times in which we
live, as you have done here.
Sleep now
escape monotony’s bite
where the visionless and vain
and all those contrite
construe mystery for madness –indeed!
leaving brilliance bitter
and behind.
Sleep now
and romance times raging- (time’s raging?)
revolutionary
raw, ripe and ready –delicious phrasing
to revive our insides,
tame the tin tides –exquisite!
and confide
with youth’s devotion.
Your alliteration of the ‘v’ fricative in L4, 5, and 8 above lends vigor
to the work. “tame the tin tides” is a line I wish I had written!
Sleep now,
leave today for the
“hollow hounds “ – marvelous! (“You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, howlin’ all the time.”)
that pound mute sounds
through reckless lips
and pass judgment
through fingertips. –- critics at the keyboard?
You end this intense poem with hope. “Tomorrow’s time seems to hold much more
for the “sweet child” who is yet “unborn, unexecuted” and who will live “free and
“wide-eyed” and “in wonder” of “what is” and “what will be.” Splendid writing,
once more! Brava!
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-04-30 19:51:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Audrey,
I been reviewing all night and came across another of your poems on my list. Wow, more great, sharp, thoughtful writing.
The title, "The Times" when set against the unborn, makes me think of "these times" and I find myself agreeing with a lot of what you are saying in this poem. At least what it speaks to me. It's funny how different responses can be to the same poem.
I love the idea of sleeping and waiting to be born into just the right time for you. Why come into a world that lacks the passion of decision making it used to have before a bunch of crooked politicians took over? Why come into a world where achievement is not seen in the quality of a person's ability to think and reason, but in their ability to hit a golf ball? Why come into a world that cares more about American Idol than the elderly standing in line to get basic services they need to survive and keep themselves from the death spiral. The insurance companies use that term, based on age income to describe the probability of one's life expectancy. They call it the "death spiral". Why come into a world of death spirals?
You use alliteration and assonance so well in your writing, my favorite being, "hollow hounds that pound mute sounds". Great auditory effect here.
I especially like "tin tides", to me I see a sea of vehicles.
The following lines, wow!
"romance times raging-
revolutionary
raw, ripe and ready
to revive our insides," this is great crafted writing!
Sleep now
sweet child
unborn
unexecuted-
wake in Tomorrow’s time
Your time
to live free
wide-eyed and in wonder
of what is and will be.
This stanza makes me want "Tomorrow's time", yet I feel an underlining irony in "to live free", based on what that is becoming to mean, to me, in this world that includes "death spirals". I am ever optimistic that "Tomorrow's time" will come however.
I apologize for jumping back and forth, but I kept seeing things that I liked and wanted you to know that I appreciated your writing. I think you direct style is wonderful and doesn't waste words. I like free verse. I think it's less like a crossword puzzel in its possibilities. You writing is very good and I enjoy reading it.
Thanks again,
Troy
This Poem was Critiqued By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-27 09:24:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.70588
Hello Audrey,
WOW! Now let me catch my breath...! This poem speaks the truth about what has transpired this century.
Yes, it is true that this century has been overrated dramatically. War has encompassed our world where "lives lie limp and dreams die in dormant destitute."
Yes, life is monotonous and no one seems to see what's really out there for them. Madness overcomes them and they are blinded to what really is here.
Yes, true romance was left in the dust while the young try to bring it back to life.
Yes, in your fourth stanza, the government has left wasted lands and no one can hear them through muted sounds and "pass judgement through fingertips". The world is confused and the Governments of the world are not helping.
And as you have stated in the last stanza, somewhere in the future the children of tomorrow will "live free wide-eyed and in wonder of what is and will be.
This is such a powerful piece, hope it wins!
BRAVO!
Helen C. Downey
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