This Poem was Submitted By: laura j dean On Date: 2005-10-28 10:36:12 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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try again- Wild Daisies

Her house is on this road It dons a lopsided porch  which bows in the middle Beneath it fans out a blanket  of tall grass and wild daisies  to cushion her feet I search for her Heavy drapery   suffocates her shadow I feel her  somehow I know her The door creaks  and she allows daylight to touch   the shadows on her face A wild mass of brown hair  breaks free from the hard lessons  learned in docility Allowed to cascade down her back  the mane speaks  when her mouth is tight Warmth of sunlight  touches the fresh bruises They show colors of healing Gently she opens her eyes  which then gaze into mine  to search my soul I look upon a spirit  marred from battle fatigue  and try to comprehend   this choice she has made She knows my mind   and allows me no doubt of her strength Her life is not for me to understand The message closes her door I pick a posy of daisies  and leave them upon her porch    

Copyright © October 2005 laura j dean

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2005-11-01 21:06:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You've painted a vivid portrait of someone here, albeit just giving us a glimpse. You are conservative enough in your description to arouse enough curiosity in the reader to read each subsequent stanza anxiously. It is subtly poignant because you touch so much on the senses with your verbage; "a wild mass of brown hair breaks free from hard lessons". This one line covers a great deal of the subjects life in one little line. Feelings that the subject has been abused can't help but fill the reader's mind; "the warmth of sunlight touches the fresh bruises". These assumptions are confirmed in the last paragraph with: "Her life is not for me to understand". My only suggestion is that maybe try to replace the "touch" in the the third and fourth stanzas. Somehow this could enhance those lines a bit and it would be more in sync with the strong phrases in the rest. For example how you use "breaks free from the hard lessons learned in docility", "Heavy drapery suffocates her shadow", "colors of healing" and "marred from battle fatigue". These messages are powerful and I believe you could choose some similar tones to replace "touch" there.. such as "allows daylight to caress the shadows on her face". This would simulate someone who is desperately in need of affection. In the fourth stanza, maybe "Warmth of sunlight soaks the fresh bruises". Just quick suggestions, but you get my point! The simple word "touch" somehow seems more shallow compared to the way you've dressed the other lines. This is a creative piece Laura, with touching subject matter which reaches out to the spirit in all of us. The theme has such endearing quality. Bravo! Cheerz, Terrye

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-10-29 14:42:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95000
Very graphic. Very descriptive of a life in the shadows. This poor woman has to hide. But why did she open the door in the first place, and why didn't she invite you in? No, her life is not for you to understand but to have empathy...that's what counts and it appears that you have done so. The leaving of the daisies tells me you have the compassion. Great title leading into a poem that was well written with an easy flow about it. Thanks for this.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-10-28 15:55:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Laura, First let me welcome you to TPL...we love new poets. I find this poem very intriguing and mysterious and expertly written. I was totally engrossed in it from the first two lines. I don't know if you are actually writting about someone you know or God forbid yourself but you have done a masterful job and I don't say that lightly. The door creaks and she allows daylight to touch............this stanza is just wonderful...the image you have painted of the shadows on her face ............this woman is supberb A wild mass of brown hair breaks free from the hard lessons........... learned in docility ...........these two lines are really amazing and unusual Allowed to cascade down her back the mane speaks when her mouth is tight. I find myself feeling such sorrow for this poor woman. And one does wonder why she made the choice she made and why she still does. I'm sure there are many reasons why a woman stays with an abuser but it is hard to imagine any of them are the right ones. You have addressed a serious problem and one it well. Bravo! Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marsha Steed On Date: 2005-10-28 12:46:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Greetings, This piece elicits both emotion and thought. It is a powerful piece that can pull a reader into a scene without the hitches that firmly flounce them back in their seat before it is through. Without telling exactly what we are to feel, you make the reader feel. Suggestions would include to look over some of your word-choices and perhaps rethink some that may be tired or not quite hitting the spot you were aiming for. For me, an example would be "Allowed to cascade down her back the mane speaks when her mouth is tight" - So many instances of describing lovely hair use these very images. Reach for something new and fresh and your meaning will simply sizzle. This: "A wild mass of brown hair breaks free from the hard lessons learned in docility" - is exactly what I mean. This reaches out and captures thought instead of allowing old cliche' to settle comfortably around like a fog of familiarity. Very intriguing work. MS
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