This Poem was Submitted By: laura j dean On Date: 2005-10-28 10:36:12 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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try again- Wild Daisies
Her house is on this road
It dons a lopsided porch
which bows in the middle
Beneath it fans out a blanket
of tall grass and wild daisies
to cushion her feet
I search for her
Heavy drapery
suffocates her shadow
I feel her
somehow I know her
The door creaks
and she allows daylight to touch
the shadows on her face
A wild mass of brown hair
breaks free from the hard lessons
learned in docility
Allowed to cascade down her back
the mane speaks
when her mouth is tight
Warmth of sunlight
touches the fresh bruises
They show colors of healing
Gently she opens her eyes
which then gaze into mine
to search my soul
I look upon a spirit
marred from battle fatigue
and try to comprehend
this choice she has made
She knows my mind
and allows me no doubt of her strength
Her life is not for me to understand
The message closes her door
I pick a posy of daisies
and leave them upon her porch
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Copyright © October 2005 laura j dean
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2005-11-01 21:06:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You've painted a vivid portrait of someone here, albeit just giving us a glimpse. You are conservative enough in your description to arouse enough curiosity in the reader to read each subsequent stanza anxiously. It is subtly poignant because you touch so much on the senses with your verbage; "a wild mass of brown hair breaks free from hard lessons". This one line covers a great deal of the subjects life in one little line. Feelings that the subject has been abused can't help but fill the reader's mind; "the warmth of sunlight touches the fresh bruises". These assumptions are confirmed in the last paragraph with: "Her life is not for me to understand".
My only suggestion is that maybe try to replace the "touch" in the the third and fourth stanzas. Somehow this could enhance those lines a bit and it would be more in sync with the strong phrases in the rest. For example how you use "breaks free from the hard lessons learned in docility", "Heavy drapery
suffocates her shadow", "colors of healing" and "marred from battle fatigue". These messages are powerful and I believe you could choose some similar tones to replace "touch" there.. such as "allows daylight to caress the shadows on her face". This would simulate someone who is desperately in need of affection. In the fourth stanza, maybe "Warmth of sunlight soaks the fresh bruises". Just quick suggestions, but you get my point! The simple word "touch" somehow seems more shallow compared to the way you've dressed the other lines.
This is a creative piece Laura, with touching subject matter which reaches out to the spirit in all of us. The theme has such endearing quality. Bravo!
Cheerz,
Terrye
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-10-29 14:42:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95000
Very graphic. Very descriptive of a life in the shadows. This poor woman has to hide. But why did she open the door in the first place, and why didn't she invite you in? No, her life is not for you to understand but to have empathy...that's what counts and it appears that you have done so. The leaving of the daisies tells me you have the compassion. Great title leading into a poem that was well written with an easy flow about it.
Thanks for this.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-10-28 15:55:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Laura,
First let me welcome you to TPL...we love new poets. I find this poem very intriguing and mysterious and expertly written. I was totally engrossed in it from the first two lines. I don't know if you are actually writting about someone you know or God forbid yourself but you have done a masterful job and I don't say that lightly.
The door creaks
and she allows daylight to touch............this stanza is just wonderful...the image you have painted of
the shadows on her face ............this woman is supberb
A wild mass of brown hair
breaks free from the hard lessons...........
learned in docility ...........these two lines are really amazing and unusual
Allowed to cascade down her back
the mane speaks
when her mouth is tight.
I find myself feeling such sorrow for this poor woman. And one does wonder why she made the choice she made and why she still does. I'm sure there are many reasons why a woman stays with an abuser but it is hard to imagine any of them are the right ones. You have addressed a serious problem and one it well. Bravo!
Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marsha Steed On Date: 2005-10-28 12:46:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Greetings, This piece elicits both emotion and thought. It is a powerful piece that can pull a reader into a scene without the hitches that firmly flounce them back in their seat before it is through. Without telling exactly what we are to feel, you make the reader feel.
Suggestions would include to look over some of your word-choices and perhaps rethink some that may be tired or not quite hitting the spot you were aiming for. For me, an example would be "Allowed to cascade down her back
the mane speaks
when her mouth is tight" - So many instances of describing lovely hair use these very images. Reach for something new and fresh and your meaning will simply sizzle.
This: "A wild mass of brown hair
breaks free from the hard lessons
learned in docility" - is exactly what I mean. This reaches out and captures thought instead of allowing old cliche' to settle comfortably around like a fog of familiarity.
Very intriguing work.
MS
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