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Who are the Terrorists? It is a new courage, this probing thing, set upon seas of doubt, tipping like three in a tub. Where words become more empty, just by being doled out like porridge too predictably. The spewing mouth, bubbling blood like a fountain from a body some bomb has found to sort from life. It might say (were there those to brave little farms and even smaller people at work there, But no longer...and that merciful, it did no last to ask. Where better to ask, who are the terrorists? But you must hurry, before the ground has taken all meaning away. |
Additional Notes:
I hope I did not use any bad words and/or make anyone too uncomfortable.
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2006-08-27 16:18:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
James,
I am not sure if I am reading this right or wrong, but I'm not getting what it is you mean here. Perhaps that is intended? I'm seeing a lot of description in the first stanza, but am unsure of what it means. Abstract ideas like courage, doubt, don't tell me where we are, what's going on, etc. The first concrete image is the spewing mouth, bubbling blood like a fountain. I get that, that's pretty strong stuff there. Not sure what you mean by "some bomb has found to sort/from life." In the next line, is "it" referring back to the body, the blood, or what? Then, with the parenthetical, you don't close the parentheses. I'm not sure if your "those to brave little farms" is correct, or if you meant "those two brave little," or "those too brave little.." My favorite line is "But no longer...and that merciful, it did no last to ask." But, I don't know what you mean by it exactly. Perhaps there are some grammatical things going on here that need some revision? I'd like to help you with revising this poem, but I just don't know what is your intended meaning.
My only desire in writing this critique is to help you as a writer. Please do not be offended by this critique. I would rather that you be offended by my never critiquing your poetry. So, here is my feedback, for what it is worth. Take what you like and leave the rest, and if this is helpful to you, I'd love to see a revision posted so I can better assess your fine writing here. Thanks for posting it, and thanks for taking the risk to share this poem. Warm regards,
Don