This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-04-24 08:58:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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See Yourself Found

Deep in your eyes I can not see lies Yet they're there clouded over by time passing by Everyone tells a tale For what reason their own None are pure who walk the journey Without sin before going "Home" Some dwell in regret Others choose to forget Some live to hurt others But what reward do they get Creating yourself from birth spans A whole life time Once gone it will fade Your life and personal design We should step every step Capture lifes' best in each day Remember all good sending darkness away Life, not a game and rules can be changed It's here and gone after seasons of rain You're lost until you see the light The treasures you hide can be brought out to sight The climax should be surreal As you're taking your last breath What you did in life should be remembered By the people you touched Long after you've passed into death

Copyright © April 2009 DeniMari Z.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claus Michael Ranswill On Date: 2009-04-29 14:58:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
very very good love the rhyme and structure great love song\ the second line is rough they’re there very reflective of life, love, death and purpose makes us think of our own life and what have we done with it very good, one of the best this month

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-04-26 11:41:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Hi DeniMari, A philosophical look at our journey of life...I like rhyme...and I like lyricism in poetry though to be lyrical, one must be extremely cautious. Firstly, we need to ensure that our rhyme is not too obvious (using slant and subtle rhyme helps) and secondly, when limiting ourselves to meter and beats, one must ensure that lines are not forced and structure flows uniformly. Here, the last verse is a complete break from the others that flow before it. Here is a good example of subtle rhyme that stands out from some of its forced cousins in your poem : Life, not a game and rules can be changed It's here and gone after seasons of rain Looking forward to see a revision of this. The thought behind the poem is good... Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-04-26 10:28:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You have something worth saying. You've a natural ability with subtle rhyme, illiteration and poetic language...BUT none of that's here. Ever wonder why so many poems of structure end in a final verse wholly devoid of any yours here? Because, DeniMari, when you try to really say something, as opposed to shaking a rattle at meaning, you want power and not sing/song, striking at the heart of the matter and not contrived to a two-line rhyme scheme and meter count. I know we have some people that seem to think all poetry should be "lyrical". Hell, some people even still think the earth is flat. Even today, if you can hear the lyrics to some of the most popular songs, they've abandoned structure. To opt for POWER. Do we really want to sing/song to a final verse that alone breaks us out of defeating enhancing meaning? Or do we want what's suited just as much to the mind as it is to the ear? Throw this thing away. You have and will do much, much better. Focus on imagery. JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2009-04-24 18:51:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni, Some heavy duty words here and some very sage advice...ah--but we humans often put it off till tomorrow as if the end will never come...Thank you for shareing with us and for the reminder. God Bless Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2009-04-24 09:18:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Interesting piece of art you have here my friend and it reminds me of something I wrote some time ago. I do believe it was entitled.......Life is a Journey........I do agree it is a journey we begin at birth and end at death and all that is between is of our own choosing.......good word flow, images, thoughts and indeed much to think about. Hope you are well and winter was not too rough on you. God Bless, Claire
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