This Poem was Submitted By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2009-07-08 15:45:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Leftover Pieces

A little girl with tears streaming And from her deepest depths screaming Anguish crowded to overflow Inside out and with nothing left She could understand no comfort Everything of living was wrong Where did music go with its song? Young, powerless to evoke change Breaths filled with hopefulness faded 

Copyright © July 2009 Dellena Rovito

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-08-07 09:50:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Gerunds are good to use sometimes, Dellena. Try, understanding "no comfort" in order to break up the too prose-like syntax. Try this poem without the statements. "Ornament" with the imagery I know you can find. I sometimes use "And" at the beginning of a line for my own emphasis for reflecting back on former content. Don't use it in short poems where it will not work for this sort of merely becomes an encumbrance. This poem is well worth a rewrite. JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-07-28 09:47:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Good emotional impact with this poem Dellena. It's rather haunting; the image created of the little girl; she's not defined in appearance but it doesn't lessen the feeling of the piece. She seems lost, scared and with hope gone - seeking with every breath a new venue to follow. It's not just the past bothering her, it's the present and what will be causing her pain. Love the line, Where did music go with it's song - because I associate so much with musical lyrics and the meaning in them. The music is only paused for her; it will play again - loud and clear - The only change I would make is ending it with "fade", as opposed to faded. The title is catchy - blessings, Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2009-07-20 10:13:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dellena, Your first part of this piece brought me into the poem but then the rythme faded. Seems like one portion overflow, left, and confort made me feel as if a break between lines was needed. Just a thought. Thanks for sharing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-07-09 23:13:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Dellena, A touching piece about hopelessness. I can relate. It certainly is high on emotion and the rhyme scheme carries it forward pleasantly. You are aware by now, I'm a fan of rhyme and assonance and this poem has it :-) Is this a particular form, you have chosen to write in? Just checking. I would prefer going with an even number of lines. You have 9 here. I also felt that some of the imagery could be spruced up with a little more freshness. Nevertheless, and as always, your poem like all your others have a rawness of emotion and sincerity in expression that is a strength in itself. Duane.
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