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Traveling down this long road, flipping pages through my mind, the Autumn breeze blows through the trees shaking leaves like a thousand tambourines. Watching the sun reflect off gold hues in season complete I exhale and embrace this enchanting view Angels serenade Heavenly music 'round the leaves floating down n'er sound between the breeze I move on from this to cooler air of night the pages still flipping with what lingers in mind's sight Sun sets down over the mysterious in life.
You might just have to read this one every Fall season. Old write; posted back in 2004 - I reworked some of the imagery - tightened it up a little -
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-10-23 15:23:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You can still improve this, end with "over mysterious life". Last line, first verse, look at the difference in meter when you simply put, "shaking like a thousand tambourines". (Tambourines don't shake leaves.) First line, second verse, improve meter with "golden" instead of gold. Add to rhyme with the more perfect,"these enchanting views". See if you like these changes better. I wouldn't do this if I didn't think you were onto something grand. JCH
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